On Corsets

Malin James wrote a wonderful piece On Corsets last week, here's an except but you should read the whole thing.

The thing I’d been taught to think of as a torture tool of the patriarchy had, very ironically, given me access to the social autonomy that my young, insecure self so desperately craved. If I could find strength in something that had, historically, been seen as an oppression, maybe my love of red lipstick and high heels wasn’t such a cop-out either. Maybe real power came from pleasing myself, rather than worrying about the male gaze and what my fellow feminists thought.

A woman’s relationships with make-up, lingerie, high heels – all those things we think of as commercially “feminine” – are intensely personal; it’s too easy to dismiss them as simple bids for sex appeal. While it’s true, corsets have been fetishized, there’s nothing inherently wrong with that, so long as the woman wearing it feels genuinely happy. Corsets are sexy, and I feel sexy when I wear them, but the reason I feel sexy is very specific to me. malin james

I replied,

I loved corsets from the first moment I laced into a little white Vollers waspie (the link is purple, the white is prettier). I have two, wonderful, long line custom corsets I wear for special occasions and they really do make me somehow feel like the grand Edwardian lady I am sure I was meant to have been. But I also have a couple of more practical, underbust corsets that give me that quiet carapace and just slightly weird waist.

I wear my corsets often enough that I don’t really pay all that much attention. Normally I have on a coat or jacket so the interestingly feminine things they do are not obvious. But it is fun to wear a well fitted skirt, a nice blouse or sweater and a belt. I am pretty fit so the three inch waist compression looks “almost” right. But a lot of people notice and I see women especially mentally doing the calculations and coming up with impossible numbers.

Perfect!

On of the nicest things about being a dominant wife is that I wear what I want. When I want to corset, which is quite often, it is not a big deal. Nor is it a big deal that elliot is required to lace me up. Judging from the strain on his cock cage as he does, it is a bigger deal for him.

But wearing a corset reminds me of the most feminine elements of my personality. In a busy life it is easy to lose sight of the small things which elegant women do. Sitting straight, breathing carefully, moving gracefully and deliberately. Wearing a corset, whether full Edwardian or just a little cincher, reminds me of the grace and deliberateness elegant women bring to all they do.

Caging the Male

I was amused to read elliot's reflections on his new chaste reality - basically he is in his cock cage full time, 24/7. It does not seem to cause him any serious discomfort and, rather obviously, it takes no effort on my end other than that satisfying "click" as the padlock snaps shut. I like to do that myself.

Now that I know it causes him virtually no discomfort, except, usefully in the morning when his little erection wakes him up in time to make my tea, empty the dishwasher and stand in his corner, I don't see any reason to take him out. Well, occasionally for my greater pleasure but his little cock really does not do much on that front. Much better for him to keep improving his pussy licking technique and retreat to his corner so I can have privacy for my climax.

Frankly, he is much more attentive and much harder working when he is on sexual edge. While there are those who argue that unless a man ejaculates regularly there may be health consequence, there are also those who argue that the surplus ejaculate is either emitted in a wet dream - which elliot has never had - or is simply absorbed. (Though his testicles are happy, sensitive, full and round after his 17 days in chastity.) And there is always prostate milking to ease the pressure if not the tension. Push the vibrator up his bottom and wait until he dribbles for ten minutes.

However, later in the week I may want my greater pleasure or I might just let him out of his cock cage to fill his little sake cup, lap up his mess and go to be humiliated. I haven't made up my mind.

[I am delighted to see that more wives are using out links to purchase these clever silicone cock cages for their husbands. So far this month we've been selling one a day. For unmarried men who believe that they could benefit from serious chastity discipline - and I am pretty sure most men would be much better off without the option to masturbate - if there is enough interest I might set up a remote keyholder service. Comment below if that would suit your needs.)

What Do Women Want?

The wonderful Julie Burchill understands the confusion:

She continued: 'We’ve all heard about those broads in relationships who mysteriously stop shagging their Significant Other, claiming they “haven’t got time for sex” and, “I’m too tired”.
'How come they’re never too tired to get trashed on rosé wine with their mates on a Friday night, go to the garden centre early on a Saturday morning and spend every weekday on Mumsnet?'
She continued: 'Maybe sex wouldn’t take so long and be so tiring if they didn’t demand the Ring Cycle equivalent of romance first?" daily mail

Miss Burchill has it partially right. There is certainly a level of "romance" required to bring most women along to the point where they want to have sex. And modern life gets in the way of romance in any number of ways. Cleaning the oven is not usually a prelude to a bit of afternoon delight.

Where Miss Burchill is, I think, off the rails a little is that she seems to think that romance is a discrete, finite thing where a husband woos his wife with a few flowers and a nice bottle of wine and, after much palaver is somehow rewarded with a a rigorous poke. If this is the scenario little wonder that wives are getting gunned on rose (yech) and spending hours in the garden center.

Imagine the same scenario - the flowers, nice wine - as a matter of course. At our house we call it cocktail hour and it is the high spot in our day. There is no need to flip the romance switch. Elliot is romantic and wonderfully attentive all the time. And, if you have been reading this story so far, you know that elliot is chaste and locked in his cock cage so he is well aware that even if he does have an ulterior motive, he only has sex when I decide I want him to. That's one part.

The other part, and this is critical, is that I am in charge of our marriage. I like elliot to do his alpha male thing in the business world because I like the rewards that brings. I like to motivate him to work hard and be successful. (Getting him a maid to lust after will be very motivating.) At the same time, I have trained him to be a loving, respectful, romantic husband. As with any course of training what I have done is rewarded the behaviour I want to encourage and punished the behaviour I find unacceptable. Elliot started out a nice, if not quite house broken, man when I met him. I put in the time to actually tell him what I liked. Men are not good at guessing and women, whether in a female led relationship or not need to make their needs known.

It does not take very long before a well trained husband does what you want him to without you having to say a word. And, of course, a man in chastity is even more ready to please.

The question "what do women want" is always to general to be answered. The right question is what do I want? As a wife, dominant or otherwise, you need to know what you want, need and expect and then you need to make that very clear to your husband.

Of course, once you start being that clear with your husband don't be surprised if you end up as the head of household and all round dominant wife. Because men actually are happier, healthier and more productive when they know who is in charge. Most men, after a little resistance, actually like doing what they are told. Miss Burchill should try it with her husband.

Spring is Around the Corner

What fun! Cocktails on the deck under the umbrella. (Served by elliot until we manage to find a maid.) Pretty dresses and play suits. Bare legs.

Giving elliot a really severe whipping has made all the difference in the world. It has cleared the air and reminded him of his place. And it reminded me not to neglect his discipline.

I was amused to see in February clever wives and obedient husbands bought more than a dozen cock cages through our link. I suspect a number of wives will be in for a very pleasant surprise once their husbands have accepted that their cocks have "disappeared" except when the lady of their house might have some use for them.

I have been looking at getting a strap-on for elliot to use when I want my greater pleasure but don't want to let him out of his cage. It would be deliciously humiliating to send him to his corner while I finished myself off and telling him to strap on a good big cock to pleasure me with. What fun...

Naughty and Corrected

The terrible truth about being a dominant wife is that if you have to whip your husband it is often your own fault. elliot was rude to me last night. Not horribly rude but rude and more than that, when I called him on it, I got back chat. I sent him to bed. But I knew I would have to punish him.

I don't especially like punishing elliot. Especially when I know I am going to have to be quite severe. Like most women, I am pretty warm and nurturing and I would prefer to cuddle than to cane. At the same time, part of my responsibility as head of household at our house is to correct elliot as and when required. And I realized last night, after I sent him up to bed, that I had not been taking my disciplinary duties as seriously as I should have.

It is, frankly, much better to cane a man instantly for bad behaviour rather than letting the behaviour continue. Being strict means that your husband will stay on his toes and pay you the respect and attention you require.

But the other advantage of frequent, immediate punishment is that men understand a good hard whipping right after the infraction far better than if you store up the punishments. Which means their errors will be fewer and the need to correct less urgent. So, in a sense, the severe whipping elliot deserved and got today was really my fault for not having taken things in hand much sooner. Even the best husband, and elliot is wonderful, is made all the better with a weekly or, at minimum bi monthly re-acquaintance with the cane or bath brush. Now, poor elliot, would have to endure both.

He describes his punishment over at his blog. I have little to add except to say that the bath brush is going to be used much more often. It is loud but we are now living in the country and it doesn't matter as much. His bottom looked like two red apples in his punishment panties. The other thing to mention is that while elliot seems to think I am using full strokes with the cane, in fact usually only the first half dozen at delivered with any serious force. Canes are finesse instruments: you can leave lovely, tight welts and perfect crosses without doing too much actual damage. Just make sure that you never "wrap" the cane or strike with the tip. The punishment panties actually give elliot some protection in case of errant strokes.

He asked for and took his punishment very gently and submissively. Sending him to his corner with his scorched bottom and my wet panties for company, I knew that he had learned his lesson and, as I sipped my coffee, I realized I had learned mine. Husbands, especially well trained, obedient, submissive husbands thrive on discipline. Neglect their correction or their maintenance and you are not treating them fairly. Yes, you can whip them hard as I whipped elliot today and hit a reset; but it is your own fault for not fulfilling your responsibility as a dominant wife.

Dominant Wife versus Pro Domme

There is a tendency to think that a dominant wife is somehow akin to a professional dominatrix. After all, both have men at their beck and call, both correct as necessary, both have an exposure to BDSM, both cater to the submissive needs of men...

Of course there are any number of differences but the most significant lies in the fact a dominant wife is dominant full time for a single, submissive, man, her husband, where as a pro domme is dominant in session with any number of men who may or may not be submissive. For the pro domme her paid for sessions are theatre. (I discuss this a little in my book "Questions for Miss Jay: An Escort's Guide to Style, Dates and Fun")

To be a successful dominatrix a girl needs to be a good actress and play with the tropes of the BDSM world. Whips, chains and improbably large dildos. Her clients will expect her to dress the part with the leather corset, black leather thigh high boots and all manner of high camp accessories. The key thing is that for an hour or two, a girl can dress and act as a professional dominatrix and make very good money indeed.

The dominant wife, on the other hand, is not playing a role. Rather she is leading her marriage in the way which she has decided she wants to lead it. She is not seeing a client, she is training, disciplining and enjoying her husband.

As I wrote earlier, I don't "dress up" to be a dominant wife. Why would I?

As it happens, elliot had visited professionals before he met me. It turns out that was not at all what he was looking for. Submissive husbands have a particular itch and two hours with a pro domme just makes it itch harder.

A female led marriage meets the deep emotional needs of both the dominant wife and her submissive husband; but it meets them in "real life". While I certainly have fun with official holidays the essence of my marriage is that the man I love loves and obeys me. Whether I am wearing jeans and a crisp white shirt or a pretty dress and hose, I expect elliot to do as he is told.

Female led relationships can, of course, include all sorts of elements which are present in a pro domme session; but they also include day to day marital routine. Plus, if all goes well, they will create a sexual tension which is often missing from more conventional marriages. A husband with his cock in a cage is a very, very attentive man.

As he should be.

Even More Advice to a Young Wife - on Weddings

If you watch happily married couples there is, in even the most "equal" marriage, a dominant partner. It can be very subtle - and should be - but either the husband or the wife makes most of the decisions with the loving consent of his or her partner. And, truth to tell, in the majority of the happy marriages I have seen, the dominant partner is the wife.

Of course, clever women rarely display their dominance. They don't need to and, strategically, it is often a mistake to make a public display of your husband's submission. (Though it can be great fun to show off your control to select girlfriends.) But the elegant exercise of power is based on a decision which a young wife makes usually well before she is actually married. I fear a lot of young women make serious mistakes before they marry which can take years to correct.

Start as you mean to finish!

While it is great fun to date and have sex with assorted unsuitable men when you decide you are going to get married the rules change, or at least they should. While you will almost certainly not be a virgin on your wedding night, if you have managed your engagement properly, your new husband will not have ever had the opportunity to be fully intimate with you. In fact, if you are serious about having a female led relationship, it is very unlikely he will have seen you undressed before your wedding night.

The logic of this is straightforward: female dominance begins when a woman takes charge of her husband to be's sexuality. When you are courting - and what a wonderfully old fashioned concept that is - the clever young wife makes it very clear that the final fulfilment of his desires is at her command. If he does not like this arrangement there are plenty of fish in the sea. At about the third date, when, sadly, modern men think it is about time to get between the sheets, an elegant girl will explain the rules to her potential husband: lots of fun but no intercourse. (I am of two minds as to whether, over a long engagement, the 1950's standby of a skillful hand job is acceptable. It can certainly relieve the unbearable urge and, done with a degree of distain, keep him in his place; but it sends a signal that his urges matter. I am not sure that is a signal a girl wants to send especially if she plans to have a one sexuality marriage.)

The key thing before your wedding day is to establish, beyond question, that you are in charge of the bedroom. Which is where those flings with unsuitable boys comes in handy because, unlike the virgin brides of yesteryear you will have discovered exactly what you like in bed.

As you prepare for your wedding, whether an intimate ceremony with a few friends or the full scale 400 guest extravaganza, you will have plenty of opportunities to start your husband's training. Remember that the secret of an elegant dominant wife is that she makes a point of telling rather than asking. The hundreds of details which go into even the smallest wedding offer you infinite variety of tasks to set your future husband. From fetching your bridesmaids' dresses to serving cocktails at the pre-party for your girls night, your husband should expect to be at your beck and call. And you should make it clear that he is expected to do as he's told. (In actual fact grooms are really at loose ends at weddings - they have to be dressed as you tell them to be and show up, showered, shaved and ready a few minutes before the ceremony. How hard can it be? By giving your groom lots to do you are actually making his role more meaningful.)

Your wedding night is your wedding night. The chances are you will both be exhausted by the days' activities. While it is certainly a wonderful idea to have something wonderfully slinky to wear to bed, this is an excellent point to drive home your position. No doubt your husband will be champing at the bit and, if you are in the mood, it is sometimes quicker and easier just to take him there and then. But even if you opt for that route, make sure that you control the pacing and activities. Now is an excellent time to acquaint him with his primary sexual use - learning to lick your pussy expertly. Don't be afraid to guide him. You know how you like to be licked and you know whether you enjoy a finger or two here and there. Tell him. And, when you are either satisfied or wet enough, have him flip on his back and mount him. The beauty of keeping him largely chaste through your courtship is that, on your wedding night, he'll explode in a few strokes. At which point the night is over for him. It maybe over for you as well. Or you may decide to put him back to work on your pussy or tell him to fetch a favourite vibrator.

The most important thing he will learn on your wedding night is that you are in charge in the bedroom. This may come as a surprise but it will almost certainly come as a relief. Now he knows who he has to please. Men, at the least the ones worth marrying, are terrifically goal oriented. On your wedding night you will set his goal - your pleasure. He will be ever so grateful.