Female Led Relationships and the Single Girl

I don't get this question often but it is an interesting one:

As a young, happily single, woman can I bring elements of female dominance into my dating life?

The answer is, of course, you can. But that raises a host of questions about how? And then questions about "what"? And then, when you think about it for a moment, the question "Why?" is going to really determine how you proceed.

Through Mady I am lucky enough to know several very much younger women. Some of them are lesbian by inclination but four or five prefer, or would prefer, to date men. Sexually, most of these women are experienced but not tremendously so. 

Over the summer we had two "girls weekends" when Mady invited a couple of her friends up to our house and elliot was put to work keeping the wine glasses topped up and the canapes coming. (He has far too much fun serving four women and, as the weekend goes on, serving them in increasingly intimate and somewhat humiliating ways. The girls know we have a female-led household but it takes a little while for them to understand the full implications of this. Mady and I carry on as we usually do. The only significant difference is that while elliot is usually uncaged during the summer, I lock up his little cock in a cute pink cage for the weekend. The girls can ask for the keys as required.)

The conversation often touches on the sheer frustration these girls are experiencing out in the dating world. They find a decent guy, go out a few times, maybe sleep with him and find themselves "ghosted". Or they discover that the perfect gentleman of date two turns into a full-on sexual predator by date four. Or they can't manage to land a date with a particular man they are interested in. It is very much the sort of conversation I had with my girlfriends a generation ago.

If asked, and I always wait to be asked, I am happy to offer advice.

"There are two ways for a woman to present herself in the world," I'd say. "She can try to please that world or she can assume that it is the world's duty to please her. Of course, the third option is to join "Pantsuit Nation" and largely give up on actually being a woman in any interesting sense of the word."

Before the girls come up for the weekend I encourage them to read a couple of my books: Avails: Escorting for the Elegant Woman and Modern Mistress: Lead the Luxury Life You Deserve. For younger women - the Sugar Baby generation - both books are a revelation. The very idea that a woman by dressing elegantly, having very high standards and an enthusiastic approach to sex can make a very good living or be kept in high style is a surprise. And it underscores something I think is very important for women, especially young women, to understand: women hold all the cards. The question is how a particular woman will play them.

For a young woman deciding that she will, implicitly at first, explicitly as her confidence grows, be in charge of her dating life is the crucial first step in developing a female-led relationship strategy. If you take a look at the picture accompanying this note, you see a healthy, strong, slightly remote, young woman who will turn heads where ever she goes. But note how simple her suit is, how plain her clutch is. What makes the outfit, however, are the black leather gloves. If ever there was an outfit which said, "I'm in charge, you'll please me and do what you are told." it's this one.

Everything from a girl's bearing and gait, to her choice in lingerie to how she deploys her makeup will send signals. Her choices, long before she walks into a classroom or an office or a concert, will narrow the range of men who are likely to approach her. 

"The last thing an intelligent, elegant, woman wants is a sub-par man," I tell the girls. "You should be looking for men who excel, who lead interesting lives, who enjoy a degree of success. Dating - which I strongly recommend - is a wonderful dance where a woman has the opportunity to get to know a man, well, men really. And then make a judgement. Is this man worthy of serious attention or should I enjoy his company and his money knowing there is no future?" 

A young lady who embraces her own superiority as a woman will be a refreshing change for most of the alpha males who are confident enough to approach her. And, lucky them, if the young lady likes what she sees, she may encourage that male to get in touch. Or, and this is often best, she may simply ask him for his card and personal number without giving him more than her first name.

At that point she can begin to play a little. Dress well and phone him to tell him to meet her for a drink a block away from his office. Note the word, "tell". A smart girl begins the way she means to finish. This sort of "take charge" attitude will put the girl outside virtually all of her man's previous encounters with dateable women. And when, after a single drink, she says, "You can take me to dinner next Monday. I will meet you here at six," his response will tell her whether he is potentially going to work out as a submissive partner.

Now, as I have always said about elliot, I wanted and have a very alpha man. That he is submissive to me and in our home and, frankly, in public, in no way means he is the least bit wimpy or wishy-washy in business. He would not be a successful as he is were he anything but a pack leader at work. No smart young woman confuses a man's submission to her, his obedience, with any sort of a lack of spine. She wants the man who she will eventually keep in chastity, whip regularly and humiliate routinely, to be worth her attention.

It is usually at about this point that one of my guests will say, as the penny drops, "Well isn't this very much like the way our grandmothers dated in the 1950's?" 

Indeed. Back in the 1950's a girl knew she had a good deal of value and was more than willing to spend a few years enjoying the attentions of suitable young men (and often some rather older ones with a bit more money as well.) These young women did not see hopping into bed at the end of the second date as required or, in fact, as anything other than more than a little slutty. There were plenty of arousing activities which stopped well short of intercourse which would keep a young man dancing attendance. 

So, for a modern young lady who wants to, the first step towards a FLR dating situation is to take charge right from the go. Then, as a possible suitor takes her out on dates, she is able to combine a pleasing degree of strictness with plenty of sexual teasing. What she is trying to do is see if a particular man is, in fact, essentially submissive. While it will be many dates before she takes him over her lap for a good bath brush correction, by the third or fourth date she will certainly be telling her young man that if he misbehaves he will be going over her knee. 

Simply mentioning the prospect of physical correction will often give the girl the information she needs. If her young man brings it up on the next date this is a very good indication that being punished by the girl he loves is interesting.

As I told the girls, there are dozens of things a girl can and should do to see if a man is suitable. One which is always fun is to have him hold and then carry not only your shopping but your handbag. Another, a little further down the road, is to handcuff him - and for heaven's sake use good handcuffs, not toys - slip off your panties and tell him to "Get to work." Some men will baulk, in which case they will not be invited back, but most men in my experience will thoroughly enjoy giving you your pleasure. Of course, they will often expect a girl to "reciprocate". An expectation sensible girls entirely ignore.

So, yes, you most certainly can take the lead in a dating relationship. Best of all, you can make it clear to the men you are dating that you are dating and comparing other men. Men love competition. With your contemporaries, it makes sense to make it very clear that you are, with no particular urgency, planning to marry. 

Now, with older admirers, that is the very last thing they want to hear. Instead, make it clear to them that they exist to ensure you have the nice things like silk chemises, real silk stockings, a really good vibrator and the pampering you deserve. Wonderful food, the occasional short vacation and what Holly Golightly referred to as "Powder Room Money" are all to be expected. Nice things in blue boxes never go amiss.

A girl can be just as in charge with a man old enough to be her father as with a younger man. Those handcuffs will come in handy. But with older men, a girl does not have to be quite as stingy with her favours and good behaviour and really wonderful presents can be the occasion for a controlled ejaculation. The dynamic is very different.

I'll return to the subject another day. But, right now, it is cocktail hour and I'd hate to be late.

Pretty Maid For Summer

I have not written much about my maid Mady lately. I suspect because she is so very much part of my household that I am totally used to having her around. Whether she is exercising elliot or helping me dress or serving cocktails and dinner, Mady has become indispensable.

She is also a lot of fun and a much younger woman who I can play with in a way I can't with elliot. For one thing, she loves clothes as much as I do. Several hours a day she is, of course, in uniform; but in the summer her uniform is really very easy.

During the day I love her in this long, linen, button up the back dress. It's easy, not in the least "sexy" and can go over her swimsuit or exercise gear or a pretty little mesh corset and gorgeous lace tap panties.

Summer is all about comfort. elliot is out of his cock cage for the summer. Mady is in summer weight corsets and rarely required to wear stockings. I like her to enjoy the summer's freedom knowing that she will be in more serious service as we go into Fall and Winter.

What I especially enjoy is that she wears exactly what I tell her to wear. Which, of course, extends to continuing her waist training throughout the summer. Now, truth to tell, a full-on waist training corset which Mady wears most of the day during the rest of the year is a heavy and hot garment. Especially when it is laced down to the point where it is actually doing its job and compressing Mady's already tiny waist. But we are resolved that she will marry at 18 inches and there are still an inch and a half to go. Were she to go corsetless in the summer we would likely lose at least an inch, more likely two.

Our compromise is the lighter weight, mesh, corsets Mady normally sleeps in. Here is an example.

Unlike Mady's regular corsets these are bought, ridiculously cheaply ($15-$20) right from Amazon. I would certainly never recommend them for strict waist training - they would fall apart in a few wearings - but for retention and simple beauty they really cannot be matched. For Mady we order the XS which laces down to 20" out of the box. With a few minor alterations, we can bring a couple of them to 19.5". As it happens, the cups fit Mady's pretty little breasts almost perfectly with just a little easing.

When I feel Mady needs a bit more shaping or if we decide to give the good ladies of our little village a hint at how we maintain our figures, I will put Mady in this more heavily constructed, but still mesh, underbust corset.

It is a bit more expensive and, unfortunately, does not come in white; but it can work very well as outerwear over a dress or a skirt and top combination. Mady is more than a little of an exhibitionist so she loves letting the good ladies see the underpinnings she wears under her uniforms most of the time. The good ladies' husbands seem to enjoy Mady's tiny waist as well and, I suspect, our short shopping trips lead to all sorts of fun when our neighbours get home.

At the same time, I always have to remember that Mady is a very beautiful, very fit, young lady and, to be fair, she should have a few deliciously skimpy outfits to gain a little attention with. Nothing says "Hello" like a barely there cotton sundress with little girl flowers and no support whatsoever. You really do have to be in your early twenties to wear this dress with style. Mady does.


 Of course, in our little village and in the bigger world there are many summer events - the July 1 Canada Day Celebrations, the Annual Summer Tea at our Church, the August Regatta at the Lake and so on. When Mady was simply my maid she would not attend these events but, as my maid/companion it is elliot's and my pleasure to bring her along. But for these sorts of events I want her to be a bit elegant, a bit stylish, while still perfectly girlish.

I love Mady in a pretty polka dotted, boatneck dress with the cute little belt drawn extra tight to show

off her deliciously tiny, corseted, waist. No bra, seeing her pretty breasts running free under the thin fabric of the bodice is a treat and much appreciated by the gentlemen at these events. She knows I am showing her off and enjoys the attention. And, once again, these dresses, while well made, are ridiculously cheap. We do a little hand sewing to ensure a perfect fit but, truth to tell, I've bought Mady half a dozen of this pattern in different fabrications which lets her look different, yet the same, at each of the summer occasions.

And, yes, there is something just a little naughty about having my own, living, doll to dress just like playing Barbies. All the more fun when we all go home and I stand elliot in his corner and undress my sweet Mady and let her slip under my dress...Bliss, in fact.

12 Rules of Nature

I have been very interested in, and impressed by, Canadian clinical psychologist Jordan Peterson's recent book, 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote for Chaos. If you have not read it get over to Amazon right now and buy the book. Peterson is, however, largely attacking the symptoms of chaos rather than its causes. In fact, the causes are rooted in Nature and the denial of Nature by legions of confused, often well-meaning, egalitarians who want to pretend that there are no real differences between men and Women. This egalitarian impulse has led, directly, to the psychological chaos Peterson so intelligently outlines and prescribes against.

So, slightly tongue in cheek, but also with a very real point to make, here are my own 12 Rules of Nature.

1. Men and Women are fundamentally different. Mentally, emotionally, physically we are not the same and the idea of equality between the sexes is a basic and dangerous illusion.

2. Women are primary in the construction of any sort of civilized world. From this Primacy flows virtually all of the social, cultural, sexual and political norms of a well-ordered world.

3. Women are sexual creatures but their sexual triggers are more subtle and more complex than the rude and primitive sexuality of men. Part of civility is bringing men's base urges under the control of whichever woman is in charge of them at the time: mother, mistress, wife.

4. Civilization and civil society arise when men accept that women are in charge of the sexual world and that their male urges and fetishes and needs are best met in subordination to the requirements of an intelligent, aware, woman.

5. Men have no right to sexual expression. Part of the process of maturation for men is to have their sexual lives channelled and controlled from puberty onward. It is a mark of a civilized society that men are only allowed a sexual outlet inside the bounds of matrimony or in the context of a paid relationship with a willing and dominant mistress or courtesan. Outside those two situations, a man has not earned the right to any form of sexual gratification and should be shamed if he, as it were, takes matters into his own hands. Within those situations, however, a man's sexual release remains a privilege to be earned. In a properly understood marriage, the husband is chaste unless and until his wife will enjoy his attentions. Not every husband has his cock in a cage, but many do and it is a growing phenomenon. And more than a few professional mistresses have chastity requirements for their clients.

6. Because of her Primacy in Nature, a woman should be given choices. The decision whether or not to work outside the home should be a choice and, generally, a woman will find it more rewarding to be supported by the work of a man. Prior to marriage, a young lady often enjoys the support of a patron. In both cases, women have the perfect right to demand and receive complete and generous support. In fact, in a proper marriage, a man will tend to turn over all of his earning to his wife and be put on a weekly allowance.

7. When a woman is ready to be supported she may initially opt to provide companionship to a variety of men in exchange for that support but, in the longer run, she will almost always want the stability of a marriage to the best male she can attract.

8. It is entirely Natural for a woman to be hypergamous. Hypergamy is most easily thought of as "marrying up". But that is a very shallow version. A better version is that women naturally want to spend time with and, eventually, marry men who will be good providers, faithful, good fathers and the best men they can be. "Rich" or "good-looking" are passing conditions, but dumb is forever. Women are looking for two very important male traits: intelligence and submission.

9. Standing up Straight, Cleaning Your Room and a number of other items mentioned in Peterson's book are the minimum requirements a woman should have for a man she is considering either spending time with pre-maritally in a paid role, or marrying. The last thing a woman wants or needs is a weak, ineffectual, emotionally challenged little boy dressed up in a suit. And, in fact, the suit may be a social marker which is less important than being a man of real skill in a torn t-shirt.

10. In a civilized world where the Natural order is observed, women will expect, as of right, good manners, deference and a respectful attitude from every man they meet. They will also conduct themselves according to certain basic rules - for example, a single or married woman will never find herself alone with a man who is not either her husband or client. And, yes, this does limit dating quite a bit. Which is alright because, unless there is a professional relationship, a woman will tend to impose the strictest chastity on any prospective spouse from the first date onwards. She will want to see how obedient he is and what level of control he can manage over his baser urges before even considering marriage.

11. As part of her Primacy, a woman will make the effort to be as attractive as she can be. Women are not all supermodels, but good skin care, a reasonable diet, exercise and an attention to clothes and makeup will go a long way towards ensuring that a woman's Primacy is unmistakable. Dressing in a feminine and understated way, avoiding excess, and enjoying the pleasure of being the object of the male gaze are all part of a woman accepting and revelling in her Primacy.

12. In Nature, in a civilized and civil society, women are in charge. A woman should take her natural place at the centre of attention. In situations where her Primacy is not acknowledged, a woman always has the option of leaving, or, perhaps more to the point, of calling a man to order. A woman receives the Primacy she demands.

On Sale Girdles

I must admit I don't know what I would do out here in the country without Amazon. The fact is that there are lots of stores within driving distance but, for example, finding a good firm girdle means a trip to the city and, even then, you never know if a particular lingerie store will have the right size.

I intend to keep elliot in a girdle most days until spring. For men the panti girdle makes the most sense as it is, mostly, invisible underneath their clothing. I like the Rago zipped girdles and they are on sale at Amazon.

For myself, and Mady for Church at least, the open bottom zipped girdle makes more sense under a dress or skirt with stockings.

Both are on sale at $5-25 off at Amazon. I am buying two for me, two for Mady and two for elliot so the savings add up.

The Man in Your Life

Mady has been reading around the internet about female led relationships. I encourage her. She often discusses what she reads with me as she is dressing me for cocktails.

"Ma'am, I very much enjoy the LadiesonTop blog by Lady A." she said last evening.

"So do I Mady, when I have a chance to read it."

"But I was a bit confused with Lady A's last post about "The Natural Order". There was a graphic there with a picture of a girl in business clothes and a guy in a cock cage and a collar standing by a stove. The caption was something like, "She is a successful career woman, he is a piece of property kept at home naked and chaste, to cook. clean and satisfy his female owners sexual needs" I don't like the sounds of that." said Mady beginning to lace up my corset.

"Neither do I Mady. But different women like to led their marriages in different ways plus, different women have different material to work with. If you are silly enough to marry a beta male who is submissive because he really has no other choice, you might think about keeping him barefoot and in the kitchen - but I can't imagine that would be much fun. I mean why would you marry at all if that was all that was available?"

"Yes. Ma'am. But I think women your age had a lot more choice. Most of the men I met in university were so, I don't know, weak? I mean they had no idea what they wanted to do, who they were. It was one of the reasons I spent most of my time with girls. At least I wasn't disappointed. Breath in Ma'am." Mady pulled the ribbons of my corset a little tighter that I wanted but I knew there would be a little give.

"You might very well be right Mady. The fact is that elliot was and is very much the alpha male type. Even though I keep him locked up and chaste, it took my years to first of all realize that was what I wanted and then lead him to the position he is in now. It was a bit of a tightrope. Because I want his complete sexual submission but I don't want him to be any less aggressive in the business world or any less interested in his books or his wine or, frankly, women as sexual creatures. I read on the net and a lot of the time I wonder why some of the dominant wives don't simply have their husbands castrated and have done with it."

"But that isn't what you want Ma'am. And if you could lift your foot for this stocking." said Mady.

"It most certainly isn't. Let me ask you Mady, when elliot dresses you is he indifferent to you sexually?"

"No Ma'am. Quite the opposite. And often, when he has the opportunity, he'll slide a hand up my skirt or down my blouse just for fun."

"Exactly. Now, if he is more active than you'd like you know you can tell me and he'll be whipped and, in a little while, you will be whipping him yourself; but not so he'll stop wanting to grab your pretty little bottom or tweak your nipples; rather to ensure he knows he will be punished for his impertinence. I like him to be interested. And, of course, he is."

"Yes he is Ma'am. Very." said Mady.

"Is he being a pest." I asked in case there was any cause for concern.

"No Ma'am. Other foot if you could Ma'am. He basically responds to my provocation. Some days I just want to do my job, other days I like a little attention. And it certainly isn't hard to get your husband to pay attention."

"No. And I want to keep it that way which is one of the reasons I like having you around. He's perfectly harmless in his little cock cage. So we both can tease when we want to without his having the slightest chance to get out of hand. I wanted a "well tempered" husband, not a eunuch." I said as Mady knelt behind me to fasten my back garter tabs.

"I understand that Ma'am. Which is why you are never worried about his taking liberties with me...or me with him."

"Exactly right Mady. I want my husband to be sexually on edge. More than a little frustrated most of the time. I like his little cock hard a lot of the time. The little doses of Viagra are wonderful, but the testosterone is all his own. A manly man who is well trained and obedient is a great deal more fun than some sort of slavish man who is devoted because he has no other options. elliot loves his submission and his obedience but every day he makes a choice because he has a choice."

"I see Ma'am; but have you ever thought of turning him into even more of a wife than he is now?" asked Mady holding my cocktail dress for me to step into.

"For a second or two occasionally. But, truth to tell, I don't want a wife. I want a chaste, sexually obedient, husband who loves me, will care for me and protect me. Who loves to go and make lots of money and bring it home and give it to me. Who brings me flowers and buys me pretty things. Of course, I want him perfectly mannered. But, most of all, I want a real man who accepts his position and my own." I said as Mady zipped up my dress and went to fetch my pretty gray heels.

"I think I understand Ma'am. But I suspect I'll have a hard time finding a man like that."

"Perhaps, Mady, but after you have been in my service for a few years, you will know exactly what you want and you will have a very good idea of what it takes to train the sort of man you might want to have. You are on the right track when you say your husband will be married to you in a cage. And, were I you, I would have him promise to obey in your vows. I'm sorry I didn't when I married elliot. You'll know better."

"Yes, thank you Ma'am. I'll go and see to the cocktails." said Mady with a low curtsey. "I have a lot to learn."

Books you might like:

Hannah's New FemDom Romance The Ice Cream Man The Art of the Maid Dominant Woman  Feminine Superiority in Art Obedient Husband  Female Led Marriage for Loving Couples

See all our books at my Amazon Author Page here Remember Amazon Prime Customers and Books Unlimited Customers can down load all my books FREE

Update - Summer Days

I have been remiss. Here we are in the middle of summer and I have not updated in a month and I have not pushed elliot to finish the story of our delightful maid's indenture to us.

I'll try to get caught up very soon but the fact is that summer is blissful. Especially with a pretty maid and handsome husband to enjoy. I must say that there is something delightful about having drinks on our terrace served by Mady in her summer uniform of pretty white linen with a summer weight white corset worn over her tunic. It certainly keeps elliot straining in his cage.

More a bit later.

On Corsets

Malin James wrote a wonderful piece On Corsets last week, here's an except but you should read the whole thing.

The thing I’d been taught to think of as a torture tool of the patriarchy had, very ironically, given me access to the social autonomy that my young, insecure self so desperately craved. If I could find strength in something that had, historically, been seen as an oppression, maybe my love of red lipstick and high heels wasn’t such a cop-out either. Maybe real power came from pleasing myself, rather than worrying about the male gaze and what my fellow feminists thought.

A woman’s relationships with make-up, lingerie, high heels – all those things we think of as commercially “feminine” – are intensely personal; it’s too easy to dismiss them as simple bids for sex appeal. While it’s true, corsets have been fetishized, there’s nothing inherently wrong with that, so long as the woman wearing it feels genuinely happy. Corsets are sexy, and I feel sexy when I wear them, but the reason I feel sexy is very specific to me. malin james

I replied,

I loved corsets from the first moment I laced into a little white Vollers waspie (the link is purple, the white is prettier). I have two, wonderful, long line custom corsets I wear for special occasions and they really do make me somehow feel like the grand Edwardian lady I am sure I was meant to have been. But I also have a couple of more practical, underbust corsets that give me that quiet carapace and just slightly weird waist.

I wear my corsets often enough that I don’t really pay all that much attention. Normally I have on a coat or jacket so the interestingly feminine things they do are not obvious. But it is fun to wear a well fitted skirt, a nice blouse or sweater and a belt. I am pretty fit so the three inch waist compression looks “almost” right. But a lot of people notice and I see women especially mentally doing the calculations and coming up with impossible numbers.

Perfect!

On of the nicest things about being a dominant wife is that I wear what I want. When I want to corset, which is quite often, it is not a big deal. Nor is it a big deal that elliot is required to lace me up. Judging from the strain on his cock cage as he does, it is a bigger deal for him.

But wearing a corset reminds me of the most feminine elements of my personality. In a busy life it is easy to lose sight of the small things which elegant women do. Sitting straight, breathing carefully, moving gracefully and deliberately. Wearing a corset, whether full Edwardian or just a little cincher, reminds me of the grace and deliberateness elegant women bring to all they do.

What Do Women Want?

The wonderful Julie Burchill understands the confusion:

She continued: 'We’ve all heard about those broads in relationships who mysteriously stop shagging their Significant Other, claiming they “haven’t got time for sex” and, “I’m too tired”.
'How come they’re never too tired to get trashed on rosé wine with their mates on a Friday night, go to the garden centre early on a Saturday morning and spend every weekday on Mumsnet?'
She continued: 'Maybe sex wouldn’t take so long and be so tiring if they didn’t demand the Ring Cycle equivalent of romance first?" daily mail

Miss Burchill has it partially right. There is certainly a level of "romance" required to bring most women along to the point where they want to have sex. And modern life gets in the way of romance in any number of ways. Cleaning the oven is not usually a prelude to a bit of afternoon delight.

Where Miss Burchill is, I think, off the rails a little is that she seems to think that romance is a discrete, finite thing where a husband woos his wife with a few flowers and a nice bottle of wine and, after much palaver is somehow rewarded with a a rigorous poke. If this is the scenario little wonder that wives are getting gunned on rose (yech) and spending hours in the garden center.

Imagine the same scenario - the flowers, nice wine - as a matter of course. At our house we call it cocktail hour and it is the high spot in our day. There is no need to flip the romance switch. Elliot is romantic and wonderfully attentive all the time. And, if you have been reading this story so far, you know that elliot is chaste and locked in his cock cage so he is well aware that even if he does have an ulterior motive, he only has sex when I decide I want him to. That's one part.

The other part, and this is critical, is that I am in charge of our marriage. I like elliot to do his alpha male thing in the business world because I like the rewards that brings. I like to motivate him to work hard and be successful. (Getting him a maid to lust after will be very motivating.) At the same time, I have trained him to be a loving, respectful, romantic husband. As with any course of training what I have done is rewarded the behaviour I want to encourage and punished the behaviour I find unacceptable. Elliot started out a nice, if not quite house broken, man when I met him. I put in the time to actually tell him what I liked. Men are not good at guessing and women, whether in a female led relationship or not need to make their needs known.

It does not take very long before a well trained husband does what you want him to without you having to say a word. And, of course, a man in chastity is even more ready to please.

The question "what do women want" is always to general to be answered. The right question is what do I want? As a wife, dominant or otherwise, you need to know what you want, need and expect and then you need to make that very clear to your husband.

Of course, once you start being that clear with your husband don't be surprised if you end up as the head of household and all round dominant wife. Because men actually are happier, healthier and more productive when they know who is in charge. Most men, after a little resistance, actually like doing what they are told. Miss Burchill should try it with her husband.

Female and male: Scarcity and the Well Tempered Husband

I am amused to see that so far this month nine people have purchased cock cages through our Amazon links. (And some of you have been kind enough to do your other Christmas shopping through our links...thank you!)

Quite honestly, I was more than a little sceptical about caging elliot. After all, he was perfectly well behaved and well trained sexually before I decided to cage him. And I thought it would probably draw more attention to his little cock than I would prefer. However, after buying a cage a little less than a year ago and having decided that he is to wear his cage pretty much full time, I have to say I would never go back.

Of all of the practices which keep elliot in his position, caging his cock has had the most fundamental effect on his outlook and behaviour. I can't imagine why I did not think to cage him before.

The fact is that once your husband is caged he has surrendered the last vestiges of his independent sexuality. Sure, he can plead and beg for release, but with your key in hand that is not going to happen unless and until you want it to.

By locking elliot's cock up, more or less permanently, I have taken a huge step in taking full control of our marriage. I can send him off to dress and service our cute little maid, confident that he will have no direct sexual contact with her without my permission. He can sleep with me every night and, while he is often erect - or at least as erect as his cage allows - there is nothing at all he can do to relieve his sexual urges.

Now, this year I am getting him a steel cock cage - only because I think changing things up is always a good idea. His silicone cock cage has served us well. I have ordered a second silcone cock cage so that he can thoroughly clean his cage while never being allowed out for more than a few moments.

With Christmas coming elliot will, of course, expect Chrismas treats. And he may well get them if I decide he deserves then. And he has been a very sweet, docile, hard-working husband all year.

Now, ladies, for your own husbands, chastity is a gift any time of the year but the Christmas season upon us, it might be a good time to make some changes at your house. Different wives run their marriages in different ways. For some of you, the gift of chastity can be given with nothing more than the purchase of the chastity device and a direct order. Make sure that your husband understands that his chastity is not a matter of negotiation. At the same time, recognize that even a soft cock cage will take some getting used to and before it can become a permanent fixture there is a breaking in period.

Other dominant wives may be at a different point in their journey. Their husbands will not yet have the habit of obedience. Especially younger wives with younger husbands can expect some pushback. A good firm caning will usually smooth the way; however, you can also present your husband with his cage and explain that this Christmas, the gift you really want, is his submissive chastity. Have him put the device on himself. It can be a little tricky. One thing to note, it is effectively impossible to put on a well-fitted chastity cage if the cock in question is even a little bit erect. Having your husband masturbate himself or, if you are feeling generous, bringing him to ejaculation yourself before he puts on the device will ease the way.

With elliot, I have invested his cock cage with a good deal of shame and humiliation. I send him to the washroom to put it on and my only involvement is to, when his little cock is in its place, click the padlock closed. I think it is wise for a dominant wife to keep the upper hand which ritual humiliation gives her. This leaves her husband even more dependent on her whims and mercy which is always a good thing.

Now, for my married male readers: there is no reason why you cannot purchase a cock cage for yourself and present your wife with the "keys to her domain". But be prepared for a good deal of confusion and even annoyance unless you have discussed your chastity with your wife before you lock yourself up. Remember, you are giving the gift of your chastity but there is no reason to think your wife will be thrilled unless she has already agreed to accept that gift. So, by all means, purchase a chastity device but as a prelude to a conversation with your lady wife. Remember, it is her decision.

Finally, for single men who would like to experience the chastity lifestyle a couple of alternatives: first, you can buy a cock cage and wear it without a keyholder. It is good practice and, when you find that special someone, you may be more comfortable explaining your chastity if you have lived with it a while.

A second alternative - and a mildly risky one - is to ask a good female friend to hold your key. It is, I am afraid, a potentially awkward conversation but you would be surprised at how willing the right girl will be to hold your key. This can be excellent training for a single male as he will focus on a female who he is not ever going to have sex with but who has control of his sexuality. Once again, excellent experience to prepare you for a wife led marriage when the right girl appears. Remember to give your keyholder lots of lovely presents - spa days, books, cashmere sweaters - and make sure you offer to wash her car, clean her apartment and generally make yourself useful. Most of the advantage of this sort of arrangement is that you will be so embarrassed to ask for your cock cage key knowing that you are assuming the correct male position with a female who you are not in any sexual relationship with. You are asking for permission to masturbate you naughty thing.

5 elegant ways to begin a female led marriage

Shall we begin Darling?

I am beginning to write my guide to female led marriage and, as I go, I will post drafts here. These are rough and will not likely be seen in anything like the same form in the book. The working title seems to be, "In Charge: Elegant Female Led Relationships" but I bet that will change.

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People and search engines seem to love listicles so why not? Elegant women like lists as much as the next girl.

1.     Sexual Denial – The fastest and most elegant way to indicate to your husband that you are in charge is to take control of his sexuality. In the beginning this means, I’m afraid, your husband will not be having much sex. And, realistically, as your dominance is accepted he will be having even less.

For the elegant dominant wife, marriage becomes about having her sexual desires catered to. Sometimes that means quite a lot of sex; but for many women, penetrative sex is, ideally, a once in a while thing. Usually after they have climaxed.

At the beginning, a dominant wife needs to make it very clear to her husband that, from now on, the only sexuality which matters in their marriage is hers.

2.     Rules – It does not matter what rules an elegant woman makes for her submissive or soon to be submissive husband. What matters is that there are rules.

These can and should start simply. Easy good manners. A gentleman rises when a lady enters the room. A gentleman holds her chair, pours her wine, fetches her smoked salmon. As a general rule, a gentleman never interrupts and never, ever adopts any but the most respectful tone in his conversations with the Lady of the House.

Most elegant women have already established these basic rules in their home so none of these should be difficult. After all, elegant women marry elegant men and elegant men have basic manners.

However, unfortunately, over time, even the most elegant man can forget himself and setting rules early reminds him of his place.

3.     Routine – A dominant wife needs to establish routines in her household. They need not be onerous, just constant. For each household these will be different however here are a few items which an elegant wife might expect her husband to follow:

                                               i.     clothing care – in the absence of a maid, a well trained husband can be expected to put his wife’s clothes away, iron as required and take care of her shoes, boots and bag

                                             ii.     handwashing – after his shower, a submissive husband should rinse out any panties, stockings or other lingerie his wife has left out

                                            iii.     chores – an elegant woman likes a clean house and, while she is more than willing to pitch in, her submissive husband can be expected to take care of a significant amount of the work. In particular, a well trained husband should clean the toilets daily, keep the sinks gleaming, vacuum difficult areas such as stairs. As well, there is no reason a husband cannot do simple things like run loads of laundry and fold the clothes in the dryer. (But be careful as many men have not the slightest clue on the laundry front.)

                                            iv.     basic home maintenance – most men, submissive or not, will take on the routine chores associated with the home. Fixing the squeaky hinge and such like. However, a well trained, submissive, husband will do this cheerfully and immediately.

                                              v.     mindfullness – it is a very good idea, early in a husband’s training, to set aside a few minutes a day for him to simply consider his position. It is actually good for a man to be forced to take even ten minutes from his hectic day, sit still, and think how grateful he is for his lovely, elegant, wife. I usually have Elliot do this as I change for cocktails. Sometimes I put him naked in his corner with my panties to press against the wall, other times I will put him in a very small closet and lock it.

The key thing about routine is repetition. Have him do much the same thing, at much the same time, daily or weekly. Men thrive on discipline and structure – the elegant woman knows this and makes sure she creates what her husband needs.

4.     Consequences – For the elegant dominant wife the question of consequences for mis-behaviour should not arise very often once she has habituated her husband to her direction. However, from the outset, consequences need to be made very clear and inflicted with a degree of authority and certainty. Here are a few consequences I have found effective, their exact implementation is discussed later in the book:

                                              i.     corner time

                                            ii.     closet time

                                          iii.     panty time

                                            iv.     girdle time

                                              v.     spanking

                                            vi.     paddling

                                          vii.     caning

                                        viii.     nipple clips

                                           ix.     pegging

                                             x.     caging

Any or all of these consequences can be quick and efficient. But in some cases simply sending your husband to bed will work to address a behaviour fault.

A consequence is tied to a particular piece of bad behaviour and reminds a submissive husband of his place. The duration and severity of a particular consequence is determined by the mis-behaviour but needs to be long enough and severe enough that your husband will think twice about repeating the behaviour.

5. Maintenance – there is considerable debate within the matrimonial discipline community as to whether a submissive partner should be disciplined regularly whether they need it or not. My own view is that most husbands benefit greatly from regular discipline which is a reminder rather than only being punished when they err. Keeping a husband to the mark through a combination of chastity, maintenance discipline and an presumption of total authority will let an elegant woman enjoy the man she so dearly loves.

Ladylike Desires

We were chatting over Valentine's Day dinner about the whole idea of style. Where can a woman find the beautiful things which combine elegance with style and a degree of practicality. How should she dress?

"Well, I'll pick the clothes and you build the blog." I said.

My darling does what he is told and here is the link to the new blog.

Ladylike Desires

It is still in construction mode. It is a sort of Pinterest for the Lady of the House.

I'll try to have him post a couple of outfits a week.

Enjoy!