Tuesday, 13 November 2018

Is there any such thing as a part time FLR?

I received a note from a rather nice woman which boiled down to this question:

Is there any such thing as a part time FLR?

Here's the note in full - with her kind permission.

Dear Hannah,

I very much enjoy your blog and look forward to new entries and can't wait for your book.

I suppose I am the leader in my marriage in the sense that my husband does what he is told, accepts my punishments when he is cheeky and is sexually submissive to me. He is chaste although I have not yet put him in a cock cage except to play for a day. 

At the same time we have kids, we both work and, frankly, we simply don't have the time for much of anything. Yes, he is sexually submissive; but, really, we're both mainly sexually and in every other way, exhausted. 

The fact is that I find leading and being a dominant wife great fun and very much how I think marriage should be organized, but I don't think I have the energy to be dominant full time.

Any suggestions?

This letter, and several like it, are really about the idea that there is a "right" way to be a dominant wife and head of household. There is no such thing. There is only "your" way.

In fact, in a marriage where the husband does what he is told, accepts his wife's right to correct him and is sexually compliant all of the essentials of an FLR are in place. Enforced chastity is merely the cherry on top.

Perhaps the best way to understand a long term dominant/submissive relationship is to see it as a practice rather than as an event. For example, elliot is often sent to his corner to reflect and be mindful; however, he does not have to be sent there every day at 8:30 AM for this to be effective. In fact, days and even weeks may go by without him having cornertime. The fact he acknowledges my right to use this particular discipline is as important as the discipline itself.

At the same time, the writer is underlining a more troubling aspect to her marriage, and frankly, to the marriages of many of the younger people I know. They do not have enough time to really enjoy their marriages whether FLR or vanilla. And the writer, as head of her household is responsible for fixing that with the help of her husband. 

There are a number of things which are time sinks which a clever, dominant, wife will get to work eliminating. First off, screen time. A properly disciplined husband should have a fixed amount of time he is allowed to waste in front of a screen - TV, computer, video game - half an hour a day for non-work related screens is more than enough in my opinion. You would be astonished at how much time that simple rule will free up. 

Don't guess at the screen time either. I suggest you keep a couple of delightfully old fashioned wind up timers around the house. When your husband wants to watch TV or play a video game make sure he has to come to you and ask for his timer. You set it and it will ring when his time is up. (Timers are also good for corner time or when you want to give him three minutes to ejaculate.)

With his newly free time you can have your husband do more around the house. Spend time with the children, clean up the kitchen after dinner, do the laundry (yes, men can be trained not to mix whites with colours). 

The two of you should also sit down an look at your finances to see where the money is going and how it can be better spent to free up time for you as a couple. I cannot overemphasize how much better a marriage can be with a cleaning lady once a week and a regular babysitter. Yes, that costs money but it will give you both time to actually be with one another.

A third strategy is to set a bedtime for your husband. I like elliot in bed by 10 on weeknights and 11 on the weekends. Setting your husband's bedtime is very much an act of wifely dominance. Tell him you expect him in his pajamas or nightie (if you require it) with his teeth brushed and showered and tucked in ready for his kiss goodnight at 10 on the dot and make a point of giving him that kiss every night. Make sure his bedtime is early enough that it actually changes his schedule.

Of course, the nice thing about having your husband in bed at a set hour is that he is available to service you if you are in the mood. elliot loves it when I tell him to lie back and arrange myself for his oral attentions. It also give you a moment in the day to review his behavior and correct him where required. Having a nice, flexible, cane handy and telling your husband to roll over and raise his hips will ensure he knows his place. With a regular, early, bedtime, discipline and pleasure will have a place in your day. 

By making these, small, adjustments a dominant wife can bring a good deal of order into her household and deepen her FLR. Best of all, these sorts of simple routines actually reduce the energy it takes to be the head of your household. Being the dominant partner in your marriage should actually take less rather than more energy. Remember, it is your husband's position to love, honour and obey you. As it should be.

Sunday, 11 November 2018

Is there a fetish element to FLRs?

peep toe heel fetish, dominant wife
A question which has come up a few times from my email is:

Is there a fetish element to FLRs?

The fact is that men have the most amazing fetishes and obsessions: from open-toed high heels (a fashion favourite of mine) to leather corsets to bondage and dozens more, a particular man will often have a deep, highly sexual, interest in objects or behaviours.

Women, on the other hand, while they may enjoy pretty shoes or the wonderfully compressed feeling of a well-fitted corset, do not tend to be sexually interested in "stuff" or particular activities. Which poses some challenges in a FLR where the essential rule is that it is the dominant wife's sexual preferences which matter.

Here all the decisions are the wife's and a well-trained husband needs to accept those decisions. He may love latex dresses, she may find them too hot. And, realistically, in a well-run FLR, that is an end to the discussion. Or it may not be.

A great deal of the discussion around FLR's revolves around disciplining and punishing submissive husbands as this is the essence of training a man. Spare the rod, spoil the husband and all that. Which is to miss the other side of the relationship. The prizes, the treats which a clever dominant wife will often use to reward her husband's good behaviour.

In even the most conventional, vanilla, relationship wives have long used sexual treats to say "Atta boy" to their husbands. Everything from a quick pat on the bum to a spontaneous hand job or a long, pleasing, blow job are in most wive's arsenals.

Of course, those tips and tricks are available to the dominant wife as well; but if a couple is committed to chastity training and the husband is used to being locked in his cock cage and resigned to very infrequent ejaculation, a wife may be reluctant to break training no matter how well her husband has behaved.

Which is where a particular fetish or obsession may be the perfect reward. After all, if your husband gets terrifically excited by peep-toe shoes, why not slip on a pair and let him worship your feet? He'll get hot and bothered, you'll have rewarded a job well done without breaking his chastity.

It is easy enough to find out if your submissive husband has particular fetishes: you ask him. Most submissive men will have one or two secret obsessions and the fact they have accepted their submissive position is a strong indication there is more going on.

For example, elliot has a wonderfully deep obsession with retro or vintage lingerie: particularly girdles and stockings. (Which is fine by me as I rather like them myself.) Interestingly, he loves seeing me wear them but he, secretly, likes being zipped into a pretty open bottom girdle and having to shave his leg so he can wear lovely seamed stockings. I used to use a very strict girdle to remind him to eat carefully and exercise, since Mady has taken his exercise in hand this is no longer necessary. But, from time to time, as a treat, I will have Mady put out a nice, firm, panti-girdle and stockings. He knows what he has to do and you can see his little cockette straining against the bars of his cock cage.

A dominant wife can and, in my view, should use her submissive husband's secret desires to reward her man. The truth is that men invest their fetishes with a great deal of shame and power. They tend to be very grateful to be allowed to make their fantasies real, if only for a few minutes a few times a year. 

Tuesday, 23 October 2018


There is a wonderful idea floating around in the male chastity community: Lock-tober.

I like the idea, even though I keep elliot locked pretty much all year in his cock cage, because it gives couples and chaste men under supervision the opportunity to try extended chastity.

The idea itself is very simple: on October 1 the cock goes in its cage and there is no possibility that the cock cage will be unlocked before Halloween. For couples who have been experimenting with male chastity, Lock-tober is a chance to see the effects of longer-term cock confinement. They can be amazing. If you think your husband is attentive after a few days in his cage, trust me when I say he will be the very model of an obedient, pleasing, male at the end of a thirty-one day lockdown.

Now I realize I am writing about Lock-tober towards the end of October and many chaste gentlemen can see the end in sight in a mere eight days. But there is method to my madness. Even if you have missed Lock-tober, the fact is that any month can be a lockdown month.

The point of putting a cock in a cage for a month is to train the man to accept the fact that his keyholder, and only his keyholder, has the right to his cock. Men being remarkably obsessed with their cocks often quite like a short, up to a week, lock up. They often think that we are thinking about their little cocks and that is more than a little stimulating. But to be locked in a silicone cock cage or a cock cage in stainless steel for a month with no hope of release changes the dynamic in interesting ways.

A month without any hope of sexual release is a big gift for a man to give his wife or girlfriend. But it is also a huge gift for the dominant girl to get. Because, with a set period, she does not have to put up with any subtle, much less blatant, begging for release. It also means that, for the month, she will be entirely in charge of the couple's sexuality. Because just because a man's cock is in a cage there is no reason why he cannot keep his wife entirely satisfied with his tongue, fingers and whatever lovely vibrators she enjoys.

For men who are on their own but would like to experience the focus a month of enforced chastity brings, there are a couple of routes to go. The first is to put yourself under the supervision of a female friend. This might be a bit embarrassing, but simply asking a woman to hold a key for a month is good training. You don't have to tell her what it is for, unless, of course, she asks. Alternatively, you can advertise for a local keyholder. Girls who know will be delighted to hold your key for a month for a small fee. Of course, you can do it yourself but my strong suggestion is that, if you go this route, you put a physical barrier between the key and your desire. Freezing the key in a large can of water is a good solution. Or mailing it to yourself. At the same time, for safety, you need to have a key that is accessible. This can be in an envelope held by a friend. The variations are endless.

Here's the point: locking down a cock for a month is all about control. In a couple, her control. For a singleton, self-control.

As I have written before, in a perfect world, most men would be in cock cages most of the time and would be under the strict but loving guidance of a woman at all times. A girl can dream.

Wednesday, 3 October 2018

My short escorting book

Free Kindle e-book: https://amzn.to/2OxyyuJ

"Miss Jay is a refreshing voice for the new feminist age and her fun, playful outlook on courtesan life is both entertaining and liberating." (from a review)

Writing about escorting, high end, courtesan level escorting is actually about women taking charge and understanding the power of their femininity.

As I answered the questions in this book, which you can get free at Amazon, I realized that much of what I was writing applied to women who are not escorts.

"Grooming tips, style, fitness, technique but, most of all, attitude. 

Questions for Miss Jay is a modern day, pay for play, Sex in the City crossed with Miss Manners." (from the blurb) 

Part of who I am as a dominant wife is driven by my own very strong preference for femininity. I like to dress beautifully, I like to be pampered and I expect good manners. Which are all things which differentiate very well compensated escorts from their less sought after competition.

Enjoy the free Kindle book!

Sunday, 30 September 2018

A Man's Position

I always find it annoying that there are so many great pictures of girls being spanked, standing in their corner, serving men, being bound - with real beauties, models and glorious women all in pretty lingerie or nothing at all - but so few good pictures of men in their proper place.

I had elliot go and search out a few. Annoyingly, this version of blogger does not have any gallery function that I can find but enjoy anyway. We'll post a few more sets.

One note: for gentlemen who are in female led relationships it goes without saying that you are to look no further without the enthusiastic consent of the lady of the house, for men properly in cock cages, make sure you look at each picture closely and see which produces the most significant pressure on your little locked cock. 

Saturday, 22 September 2018

Is a Chastity Cage Essential to a successful Female Led Relationship?

Here is another question I am often asked about female led relationships:

Is a Chastity Cage Essential to a successful Female Led Relationship?

I talked about male chastity itself in an earlier answer. The fact is that one of the key elements of a female led relationship is the control of the male's sexuality. In all its forms. The dominant wife or girlfriend takes charge of her partner's sexuality as both proof of her dominant position and, just as importantly, because it is the most powerful tool she has to shape, discipline and refine her lovingly submissive man.

Ah, but do you have to lock up his little cock?

A few years ago I would have said no. But since I got elliot's first cock cage and then made the decision to keep him caged nearly all the time, I have changed my thinking a lot on the question.

I certainly think the honour system of male chastity can work for couples but the physical reality of putting your husband's cock under lock and key changes the dynamic in quite profound ways. All to the better I might add.

Restricting and controlling the male orgasm is a key element to ensuring that a man is paying close attention to the needs and desires of his wife. However, actually locking up your partner's cock and leaving him locked up for significant periods of time, alters his perspective in very important ways.

Remember, from puberty onward, your husband or boyfriend has been able to masturbate at will and to become erect for any number of reasons. A well-fitted cock cage takes away his right to masturbate and makes erections, without permission, either impossible or acutely uncomfortable. The honour system for male chastity leaves control of your husband's cock in his hands. Locking his cock up, puts the keys and the control where they belong, in your hands.

Symbolically, a cock cage is huge for the obvious reasons. However, practically, your man's submission is re-enforced every minute of every day. For example, most men prefer to pee standing up. A man in a cock cage will almost always find it easier to sit down. A locked man will still experience his morning erection but it will be a very different experience. Instead of a sort of warm horniness - often leading husbands to want sexual release before you've even brushed your teeth - a cock cage will send an instant morning reminder about who is in charge. If you have a morning routine worked out a painful erection will send your husband off to make coffee, shower and return to your service.

Being required to wear a cock cage is also a humiliating reminder for husbands and boyfriends that they have given up their sexuality to the woman they love. Now, elliot works at home and always has, but when he has to take meetings, his cock cage and ball stretcher are a constant reminder of his submission. Obviously, he is never going to be unfaithful when he is locked in his cage, less obviously, he tries to avoid any sort of sexual response at all because getting hard is not actually an option.

Leaving a submissive man uncaged means he retains at least some control over his sexuality. Men in general, and submissive men in particular need to have very strict limits set on their sexuality. For a dominant wife having her husband put on his cock cage and then locking it puts a hard limit on his sexuality. For as long as she chooses her husband is, effectively, neutered.

And all the better for it.

In fact, even men who are not in female led relationships can benefit from the control and humility a cock cage affords. Simply ordering a cage and locking up your own cock is an excellent first step in accepting your submissive nature. Finding or hiring a woman to hold your keys is the next step. Asking a girl out on a date when your cock is in its cage changes the dynamic of the relationship right from the go. As a submissive male you are not going to initiate sexual activity in any case but if the woman decides she wants to move ahead intimately, you will know you will have to tell her about your cock cage and ask her if you could please her in other ways. It is, of course, her decision but as more women realize they prefer to be the dominant partner you may find that your caged cock is actually very attractive.

Update: A number of people have written to ask if I thought all men should have to wear cock cages all the time. It is a wonderful, if wholly impractical, idea. While I have no doubt it would do men and women the world of good if men were all required to have their cocks locked up that is not going to happen. However, there is no reason at all that men, both inside and outside FLRs cannot voluntarily accept the control and discipline of a cock cage.

And wouldn't it be fun if men who have accepted the demands of a chaste life in the service of women could wear a discrete symbol of their general submission? And, yes, I am thinking of a little key pin. Imagine how delightful it would be to see a gentleman wearing such a pin and knowing that he was locked up and that he has accepted the proper male position. Imagine how delightful it will be to pin your obedient husband knowing his cock is locked up. (I've already ordered elliot's key pin.) And, of course, imagine, as a submissive male, properly locked up wearing your key pin and knowing that a select few women (and, of course, your fellow chaste males) know your actual position.

Thursday, 6 September 2018

More of Mady's Patreon of Smut

She's a very naughty girl our Mady.

She's posted two more vintage magazines to her Patreon Vintage Smut Archive...Only about 150 to go and then she gets to do some vintage spanking photo sets and some vintage bondage photo sets.

The good news is she has her first Patreon! Another 99 and she'll actually make some money.

You can join her at https://www.patreon.com/hannah_obeyed

She better start posting faster or I will have to take matters in hand....