How to Keep a Female Led Relationship Fresh

A question I am often asked is:

How do you keep a Female Led Relationship Fresh?

Like any marriage or relationship, over time an FLR can go from being new and edgy to a bit routine and humdrum. After all, once you have your husband trained, keep his cock in a cage, punish him as required and generally control the decision in your home, what is there left to do?

In fact, a version of this question comes up in vanilla marriages. After the first four or five months, everything from conversation to sex to chores to who takes out the trash has been pretty much resolved. (Yes, kids complicate this but they also provide a focus.)

For some couples, vanilla or FLR, that sense of a settled routine is actually rather welcome. It does make life a lot simpler. But at the cost of being less interesting, or, let's face it, actively boring. Whole books have been written about how to put the zing back into your marriage but, having scanned a few, they all seem to come down to surprises, date nights and finding shared interests. All of which are great and well worthwhile but in an FLR, a woman has a lot more scope because rather than negotiating change, she can simply make the changes she wants.

Once you have your husband trained one of the facts of his life is that he no longer has any real say in your sex life. Which takes more than a little adjusting for both the husband and the wife. At our house, for example, I don't particularly love penetrative sex even when I am on top and in total control. Which, up until Mady arrived, meant that elliot had learned to largely live without penetration and entirely without any penetrative ejaculation. Even before he was in his cock cage more or less full time, from Labour Day to the May 24th Long Weekend, he had been trained to - when told - lie on his back with his hands under his bum while I mounted him and took my pleasure from his hard little cockette. He also knew that if he ejaculated he would be seriously caned or I would take my shower brush to him. (For extra leverage I also have a longer handled shower brush which elliot is actually afraid of.) While this doesn't happen often, it is always a treat for elliot to have to stay hard but not come while I enjoy myself.

However, my real pleasure usually comes when I have elliot bobbing up and down licking my pussy. One of the things which has changed over the years is that I am much more comfortable just telling elliot to get to work when I am feeling a bit lascivious. Because he is almost always in his cage, there is no question at all of his pleasure. In fact, as he is busily using his well-trained tongue, he gets quite horney and usually painfully erect in his cage. But, here again, years of training and the frequent application of the cane if he dares to stop before I tell him to, have turned elliot into a brilliant pussy lapper. (Far too many men think it is acceptable to cease their attentions when they get tired or bored; in an FLR this never happens.)

The sheer novelty of a fully committed FLR can extend for months or even years at a time. However, it never hurts to use a little imagination. For example, if your husband has a little fetish, as I wrote below, it never hurts to tease him a little. Or reward him with your indulgence. Some men like to cross dress, others are deeply humiliated if they are required to sleep in a pretty nightie or wear a girdle under their suits. Either way, a dominant wife can use feminine clothing to remind her obedient husband of his position.

What about social life? Part of the fun of being married is making friends as a couple. A couple in an FLR will, undoubtedly, have vanilla friends who, if they notice anything at all, will note how well mannered and deferential your husband is. Which is fun in itself, especially if you know he's wearing a really frilly pair of panties under his khakis. Can you take this further?

Of course, you can. But a good deal of caution needs to be exercised by the head of your household. "Coming out" to vanilla friends, especially non-FLR couples, can be an exercise in non-comprehension and, frankly, very awkward. I've found that while many wives "get it" immediately, un-trained husbands get very uncomfortable with the idea that your husband is, formally, not the head of your household. (No doubt, younger, more "woke" men may be more open. But it is still a risk.)

To a very large degree, in my experience, if you would like to put your obedient husband through his paces, you are better off with an exclusively female audience. In fact, simply having a close girlfriend in for drinks and having your husband "serve" is an excellent introduction. Nothing needs to be explicit the first time. Your husband essentially acts as a servant bring drinks and canapes and then retreating to the kitchen until you ring your little bell.

Again, in my experience, the sheer novelty of a husband in service will usually elicit a question like, "How do you get your husband to serve drinks?" or, when you ring your bell, "He really comes when you ring?! How do you manage that?" Now the ball is in your court and you have the option of telling a little or a lot. My own strategy has always been to matter of factly say, "Well, we have what is known as a female-led marriage. elliot prefers to do as he is told at home."

Recently, this has often brought the response, "Like 50 Shades of Grey but in reverse." A dreadful book but it has mainstreamed the idea of power exchange. From there the conversation usually flows quite easily. As elliot is in earshot he hears me describe our arrangement and, when I ring for him next, my guest usually looks at him in an entirely new light. Which is great fun.

Before Mady arrived I had a couple of close girlfriends who enjoyed more than a description of elliot's submission. Once they were "in the club" I was delighted to have elliot serve in a more overt way. While I am not a big fan of the "sissy maid" look - although this "lockable" maid's uniform is quite cute - but a nice pleated skirt, white long sleeved blouse (sheer enough to show off his pretty  longline bra) and a cute white waist apron seemed to amuse my friend. So did watching elliot be sent to his corner and a few times, watching me punish elliot. And it certainly made things more interesting when I would say, "Jenny is coming over on Friday."

The variations on this sort of wonderfully ritualistic combination of cross-dressing, service and humiliation are endless.

Is there any such thing as a part time FLR?

I received a note from a rather nice woman which boiled down to this question:

Is there any such thing as a part time FLR?

Here's the note in full - with her kind permission.

Dear Hannah,

I very much enjoy your blog and look forward to new entries and can't wait for your book.

I suppose I am the leader in my marriage in the sense that my husband does what he is told, accepts my punishments when he is cheeky and is sexually submissive to me. He is chaste although I have not yet put him in a cock cage except to play for a day. 

At the same time we have kids, we both work and, frankly, we simply don't have the time for much of anything. Yes, he is sexually submissive; but, really, we're both mainly sexually and in every other way, exhausted. 

The fact is that I find leading and being a dominant wife great fun and very much how I think marriage should be organized, but I don't think I have the energy to be dominant full time.

Any suggestions?

----

This letter, and several like it, are really about the idea that there is a "right" way to be a dominant wife and head of household. There is no such thing. There is only "your" way.

In fact, in a marriage where the husband does what he is told, accepts his wife's right to correct him and is sexually compliant all of the essentials of an FLR are in place. Enforced chastity is merely the cherry on top.

Perhaps the best way to understand a long term dominant/submissive relationship is to see it as a practice rather than as an event. For example, elliot is often sent to his corner to reflect and be mindful; however, he does not have to be sent there every day at 8:30 AM for this to be effective. In fact, days and even weeks may go by without him having cornertime. The fact he acknowledges my right to use this particular discipline is as important as the discipline itself.

At the same time, the writer is underlining a more troubling aspect to her marriage, and frankly, to the marriages of many of the younger people I know. They do not have enough time to really enjoy their marriages whether FLR or vanilla. And the writer, as head of her household is responsible for fixing that with the help of her husband. 

There are a number of things which are time sinks which a clever, dominant, wife will get to work eliminating. First off, screen time. A properly disciplined husband should have a fixed amount of time he is allowed to waste in front of a screen - TV, computer, video game - half an hour a day for non-work related screens is more than enough in my opinion. You would be astonished at how much time that simple rule will free up. 

Don't guess at the screen time either. I suggest you keep a couple of delightfully old fashioned wind up timers around the house. When your husband wants to watch TV or play a video game make sure he has to come to you and ask for his timer. You set it and it will ring when his time is up. (Timers are also good for corner time or when you want to give him three minutes to ejaculate.)

With his newly free time you can have your husband do more around the house. Spend time with the children, clean up the kitchen after dinner, do the laundry (yes, men can be trained not to mix whites with colours). 

The two of you should also sit down an look at your finances to see where the money is going and how it can be better spent to free up time for you as a couple. I cannot overemphasize how much better a marriage can be with a cleaning lady once a week and a regular babysitter. Yes, that costs money but it will give you both time to actually be with one another.

A third strategy is to set a bedtime for your husband. I like elliot in bed by 10 on weeknights and 11 on the weekends. Setting your husband's bedtime is very much an act of wifely dominance. Tell him you expect him in his pajamas or nightie (if you require it) with his teeth brushed and showered and tucked in ready for his kiss goodnight at 10 on the dot and make a point of giving him that kiss every night. Make sure his bedtime is early enough that it actually changes his schedule.

Of course, the nice thing about having your husband in bed at a set hour is that he is available to service you if you are in the mood. elliot loves it when I tell him to lie back and arrange myself for his oral attentions. It also give you a moment in the day to review his behavior and correct him where required. Having a nice, flexible, cane handy and telling your husband to roll over and raise his hips will ensure he knows his place. With a regular, early, bedtime, discipline and pleasure will have a place in your day. 

By making these, small, adjustments a dominant wife can bring a good deal of order into her household and deepen her FLR. Best of all, these sorts of simple routines actually reduce the energy it takes to be the head of your household. Being the dominant partner in your marriage should actually take less rather than more energy. Remember, it is your husband's position to love, honour and obey you. As it should be.

Is there a fetish element to FLRs?

A question which has come up a few times from my email is:

Is there a fetish element to FLRs?

The fact is that men have the most amazing fetishes and obsessions: from open-toed high heels (a fashion favourite of mine) to leather corsets to bondage and dozens more, a particular man will often have a deep, highly sexual, interest in objects or behaviours.

Women, on the other hand, while they may enjoy pretty shoes or the wonderfully compressed feeling of a well-fitted corset, do not tend to be sexually interested in "stuff" or particular activities. Which poses some challenges in a FLR where the essential rule is that it is the dominant wife's sexual preferences which matter.

Here all the decisions are the wife's and a well-trained husband needs to accept those decisions. He may love latex dresses, she may find them too hot. And, realistically, in a well-run FLR, that is an end to the discussion. Or it may not be.

A great deal of the discussion around FLR's revolves around disciplining and punishing submissive husbands as this is the essence of training a man. Spare the rod, spoil the husband and all that. Which is to miss the other side of the relationship. The prizes, the treats which a clever dominant wife will often use to reward her husband's good behaviour.

In even the most conventional, vanilla, relationship wives have long used sexual treats to say "Atta boy" to their husbands. Everything from a quick pat on the bum to a spontaneous hand job or a long, pleasing, blow job are in most wive's arsenals.

Of course, those tips and tricks are available to the dominant wife as well; but if a couple is committed to chastity training and the husband is used to being locked in his cock cage and resigned to very infrequent ejaculation, a wife may be reluctant to break training no matter how well her husband has behaved.

Which is where a particular fetish or obsession may be the perfect reward. After all, if your husband gets terrifically excited by peep-toe shoes, why not slip on a pair and let him worship your feet? He'll get hot and bothered, you'll have rewarded a job well done without breaking his chastity.

It is easy enough to find out if your submissive husband has particular fetishes: you ask him. Most submissive men will have one or two secret obsessions and the fact they have accepted their submissive position is a strong indication there is more going on.

For example, elliot has a wonderfully deep obsession with retro or vintage lingerie: particularly girdles and stockings. (Which is fine by me as I rather like them myself.) Interestingly, he loves seeing me wear them but he, secretly, likes being zipped into a pretty open bottom girdle and having to shave his leg so he can wear lovely seamed stockings. I used to use a very strict girdle to remind him to eat carefully and exercise, since Mady has taken his exercise in hand this is no longer necessary. But, from time to time, as a treat, I will have Mady put out a nice, firm, panti-girdle and stockings. He knows what he has to do and you can see his little cockette straining against the bars of his cock cage.

A dominant wife can and, in my view, should use her submissive husband's secret desires to reward her man. The truth is that men invest their fetishes with a great deal of shame and power. They tend to be very grateful to be allowed to make their fantasies real, if only for a few minutes a few times a year.