Ending the sexual barter system

A number of people wrote me to ask about "Locked-In Love" a book I recommended in my last post and, particularly, about what the author identified as the sexual barter system which underlay his marriage.

Here's how the author described it:

"Through chastity and communication, they identified a sexual trade-off that existed in their marriage, a 'barter system' wherein every action he engaged in had an undercurrent of sexual pressure, a literal tat-for-tit. Freed from it through a chastity device, they were able to enjoy each other on a more meaningful and trusting level. And in lowering the quantity of sex, they raised the quality."

The book is well worth reading for couples curious about male chastity but, of course, it is written from the male perspective. I thought a note on the female perspective might be interesting.

Sexual barter is as old as the hills and rests on a singular fact about the world: men are ready and eager to "go" all the time and women are sexually cyclical. Obviously, this is a generalization but it underlies everything from long term vanilla marriages through to the thriving escort industry. The discreet world of the kept woman, the wealthy man's mistress, is driven by this sexual mismatch. It is also the basis for the vast number of female led relationships and wifedom marriages. 

The idea of sexual barter is, in fact, at the heart of a great deal of what passes for romantic life. A man woos a woman and, if he is successful, she falls in love and becomes sexually available to him. Do they live happily ever after? Well, that depends.

Wives and girlfriends want their men to do certain things, behave in certain ways and, generally (though not often overtly) do what they are told. In even the most vanilla marriage wives will devise rewards and punishments to encourage certain behaviours and discourage others. More than one young wife has given her husband a quick blow job when he's cleaned up the yard or slipped into his favourite stockings and heels to signal her availability when he gets that promotion.

Men quickly learn that if they do what they are told they may receive treats. The trouble is that men will also quickly begin to take those treats for granted. If fact, unless a wife takes charge, most men will simply assume their efforts will always be rewarded. 

Now, the whole sexual barter mistake is often layered on top of a male belief that they also have the right to sex generally and that a wife has to accommodate their desires. Whether it is once a night or once a week, men somehow have the idea their rather instinctive sexuality should be deferred to. The fact this instinctual sexuality is driven by their baser natures and animal urges does not seem to bother them a bit.

Worse, from the time they are little girls, many women are taught that on the one hand, they need to be in control of the sexual situation and on the other, that they need to accept at least the sexual importunings of their husbands. What they are not taught and what is actually transgressive is the idea that their sexuality is cyclical, the very opposite of masculine and that within a successful relationship it is always the woman whose sexuality matters. 

Sexual bartering takes place when a woman satisfies a man when she, herself, is not at all in the mood. While it can be portrayed as "fun" or "spontaneous" it is actually a denial of how female sexuality works.

Now an escort or a mistress takes advantage of the fact men have unbearable urges and charges cash money to take care of those urges. While "decent women" are shocked by this sort of cash transaction I am inclined to think most girls should spend a bit of time as a mistress in their early twenties - if only there were enough wealthy men to go around.

In a marriage the cash nexus is, well, awkward. Your sweet husband may be supporting you or you may both work, but when he wants a blow job handing you a couple of hundred dollars, or even a couple of thousand, is not really how a marriage can or should work. 

So, how do you end the whole sexual barter game?

Whether a woman decides to lead her marriage or simply that her husband needs boundaries, sexual barter ends when she decides to put her needs first. It really is that simple. A single decision.

In practice, this means that for the few days a month a woman is very interested indeed her husband will be required to pleasure her. And she should put it exactly that way. She sets the pace, she enjoys her orgasms, she may or may not let him finish. Every woman is different and many enjoy some sex on the shoulders of the few days a month they are on heat. Which is wonderful and a bonus for their husband. However, for the rest of the month, sex is more a chore than a pleasure and a wise woman makes it very clear to her husband he is to stay well away.

It is upon this biological rock that the church of female supremacy and male subordination is founded. Now, how a woman constructs her marital sexual life is very much up to her.

Some women require their husband's chastity - either caged or on the honour system - when she is not interested in sex. This can work well with older husbands. With younger, randier, men it is not a bad idea to include supervised masturbation during that part of the month when sex is out of the question. The fact is that a younger man, unless firmly locked up, is going to masturbate. Far better that a wife keeps track of this habit and sets aside a few minutes every few days for her husband to humble himself in her presence. Not too often of course.

As I have written before discussing cocks,

"Men are remarkably proud of their ability to make little messes and if a wife can make her husband's masturbation something she controls - and this is easy as having him soil a tissue before he goes to work a couple of times a week becomes a ritual of control which he'll enjoy - then she is taking away his power to play with his cock as he feels like it. [Note: for men who would like their wives to be more dominant, proposing to your wife that you not be allowed to masturbate unsupervised will speed that process along without worrying your wife too much about the broader implications.)

Once a wife has taken control over her husband's ejaculations she has, for all intents and purposes, become the sexually dominant partner. The cock in the marriage has surrendered its autonomy. Where a wife goes from there is entirely up to her. She may want to leave the dynamic right there and enjoy the fruits of her acknowledged sexual superiority or she may want to extend the scope of her dominion."

Sexual barter only occurs where women allow it to. In a wife led marriage, both partners acknowledge that it is only her sexual needs, her pleasure, which matter. There is no room for "barter" because a well trained husband knows and accepts that he has no sexual rights at all. His erections, his ejaculations, are at her pleasure and at her direction.

Of course, it takes a little while for a husband to accept that his cock is no longer his own and here a chastity cage may prove an essential reminder. After all, a man in a chastity device is focused on his wife, not his cock, and that is how it should be.

Fall

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A bit of Tinkering and a mid summer correction

I just love how men insist on improving things. Now you would think that a silicone cock cage  would offer little in the way of chances for improvement. Not elliot.

While he has been enjoying his summer freedom - I let him out around June 1st and lock him back down on Labour Day - he has been thinking about how to actually reduce the "play" in the two posts on either side of the lock. I suspect these are designed with men with substantially larger cocks than my elliot's in mind but for him the various pieces of his chastity would gap and then, painfully, pinch some very tender skin. I don't keep elliot in chastity for his discomfort, although elliot being a little uncomfortable does not worry me at all, so when he asked permission to modify his cage I agreed.

It was hardly a major change: he removed the plastic side pegs and replaced them with one inch stove bolts with washers and nuts. This allows him to tighten the silicone pieces and eliminate the gapping.

Good for him and nicely timed. He was getting a bit, if you will excuse the word, cocky, and there is only one sure fire cure for that. First I gave him a good whipping. The heel stick raised lovely welts. I had Mady observe his punishment and listen as I lectured him.

"It is not enough that you are polite to me. You need to be humble and you need to remember your place." I said punctuating my sentences with a stroke of the heel stick. "The fact is you have been a bit too cocksure. I let you out of your cock cage for your comfort. I don't expect backchat. I don't expect you to look at pretty young girls at the beach. You keep your eyes down. Do you understand."

"Yes, Miss," he said.

I went on in this vein for a few minutes with each period emphasized with a stroke. I think he got the message.

"Now, before you go to your corner, turn around," I said. "Your cock is going back in its cage until I see a real improvement in your attitude. Now stuff it in. Hurry up."

The modifications to the silicone cage meant that elliot had to fiddle a bit more but his cock was so tiny after his whipping that everything went quite quickly.

"Mady, why don't you lock down elliot's tiny little cock," I said. "You can hold on to the key. We'll see if he improves."

Mady slipped the lock on and shut it.

"I expect you to behave, elliot," I said when he was locked and I had slipped off my rather moist panties (I often find myself getting a bit excited when I correct elliot or Mady) and sent elliot to his corner.

"Mady," I said sitting down and lifting my skirt. "I seem to need some oral attention."

"Yes, Miss."

Mady got on her knees and began licking my pussy. Girls just know.

Should be a fun summer.

A Question about Cocks

I have had a lot of questions of the form,

What is the role of the cock in a female led relationship?

Tempting as it is to say that the very point of a female led relationship is that the cock has no role, the facts are quite otherwise. In fact, it is the training and subjugation of the cock and the man attached to it which is the focus of a dominant wife. How this is accomplished is a matter of style more than anything else but some basic concepts need to be top of the mind.

There are certainly some female led relationships in which a husband is turned into a fully feminized slave and while this does not appeal to me, it certainly has its advocates.  The whole gendre of transvestite transformation stories, Husband to Sissy for example have a wide readership. And there are plenty of tales of husbands who become slaves to their wives, I enjoyed Molly Sands trilogy, Stern. But here is the thing, most women, especially dominant women, do not want their husbands to be sissys or slaves; rather they want to have control over strong, masculine, admirable men.

It is a bit of a paradox. To dominate a soy boi, beta male might be fun for a day or two but it is not really challenging nor is it going to be very satisfying to bend a wimp to your will. At least I don't think so. When I tell elliot he has to wear a bra and girdle for a few days I know that he is torn between his masculine identity and his obedience to me. Over the years he has learned that submission is always better for him but that does not mean he likes having to wear pretty lingerie or lip gloss.

Which brings us around to the role of the cock in a female led relationship. A man's cock and the sexual desire it embodies is the key to controlling his attention, affection and sense of submission.  There is a saying, "I have the pussy so I make the rules," but, in fact, those rules are all predicated on a man's endless desire to gain some sort of access, no matter how indirect, to that pussy. If he is not interested he is not going to follow any of the rules.

Dominant women - and, really all women - are often astonished to discover how much time men spend pre-occupied with sex. Younger men will spend hours on porn sites, in bars, in clubs and online trying to find a girl or a fantasy, but older men are just as preoccupied even if they are not actually leaking sperm half the time. If a woman is able to control and then redirect that pre-occupation she is well on the way to leading her marriage or relationship.

Men are very basic. From the time they were little they were able to first play with and latter masturbate their cocks. As young men they had few restraints on the momentary pleasure their cocks could give whether with the delighted co-operation of a young lady or by taking matters into their own hands. I've know young, intelligent men who ejaculated five or six times a day. Bonobo monkeys and twenty two year old men have about the same sex drive.

An argument can be made that the arc of human history has been determined by the fact that female sexuality is cyclical with only a few days a month of peak sexual desire while male sexuality is continuous, always on and if a civil society is the objective, in need of firm control.

In the mythology of the Old West the saloon girls and whores advanced with the frontier but it was the school marm and the wives who closed that same frontier. (This, by the way, is why I have an abiding interest in Money Sex (a book which is free at Amazon at the moment).) What the wives and school marms actually did was change the dynamic so that, instead of paying for sex on a transactional basis, men who married could have sex in exchange for "providing" and for being decent members of their community.

In a sense, women have been making that bargain since the beginning of time and in every instance, a wife or girlfriend uses her sexuality to gain at least nominal control over her husband or boyfriend's sexuality. The pussy engulfs the cock and the cock's owner becomes, at least marginally, submissive to her needs and desires.

In even the most vanilla marriages wives will often reward their husbands with a quick blow job or a bit of bedroom dress up in return for a job well done or a promotion at work. But note the dynamic, the wife controls the blow job. She decides the reward. Implicitly, if a wife is making those sorts of decisions she is beginning to take charge of her marriage overall.

Taming and training a cock could stop right at the "reward" blow job and for many couples it does. However, for some couples, the next step in cock control is no more complicated than a wife refusing to have sex with her husband except when she is "in the mood".  Again, not a huge step but one which changes the whole male, cock driven, sexual dynamic.

At the same time, a clever wife "suggests" to her husband that he should "save" his ejaculations so they can enjoy them together. This is the thin end of the chastity wedge. Men are remarkably proud of their ability to make little messes and if a wife can make her husband's masturbation something she controls - and this is easy as having him soil a tissue before he goes to work a couple of times a week becomes a ritual of control which he'll enjoy - then she is taking away his power to play with his cock as he feels like it. [Note: for men who would like their wives to be more dominant, proposing to your wife that you not be allowed to masturbate unsupervised will speed that process along without worrying your wife too much about the broader implications.)

Once a wife has taken control over her husband's ejaculations she has, for all intents and purposes, become the sexually dominant partner. The cock in the marriage has surrendered its autonomy. Where a wife goes from there is entirely up to her. She may want to leave the dynamic right there and enjoy the fruits of her acknowledged sexual superiority or she may want to extend the scope of her dominion.

While the honour system is lovely for chaste husbands, the temptation to "cheat" is significant. Putting the cock in a cage and keeping the key will confirm a cock's obedience. I have come around to the view that a female led marriage without a chastity cage is possible but that the ongoing symbolism of a locked cock reminds a man of his place.

My own sense is that a female led marriage or relationship works best when a man has had his sexual autonomy entirely eliminated. It is great fun to watch elliot in the summertime, when he is not required to wear his cock cage, and has theoretical control over his own little cock. He is so well conditioned and trained that even when Mady or I tease him - which we do a lot - he will come and stay erect for hours and never think of actually touching his cock without my permission. He is, indeed, a well tempered husband.

A Female Led Relationship: Is an FLR Normal

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Male Masturbation: a threat or a menace

In different ways I am often asked,

Should men be allowed to masturbate?

The short answer is no. The longer answer is that no male, whether under the supervision of a dominant woman or not, should be allowed to touch himself, much less ejaculate without a woman's permission and, ideally, supervision. 

Now, that is a rather obviously unrealistic standard but it is really a guide to conduct rooted in a very basic understanding of the correct male female relationship. Far too many men are unwilling to make the sacrifices required to attract and keep the woman they need in their lives. There are many reasons for that failure and one of them is that men are allowed, even tacitly encouraged, to relieve their sexual urges by themselves. While most men have the humility to make their little messes in private, many of them will not recognize what a failure each unsupervised ejaculation actually is.

While the highest and best state a man can hope to attain is chastity in a female-led marriage, on the way to that proper position, there is no reason why an intelligent man cannot ensure that his sexual life is under strict supervision. But this requires a man to look at his sexuality very differently. That shift in point of view is actually even more basic than the simple question of masturbation and it prepares a man for his proper role as his wife or girlfriend's obedient servant.

The key to this shift is for a man to accept that his natural instinct to masturbate is base and very shameful. In our modern age we don't talk about shame very much. Which is too bad because being ashamed is a very important element of being social, being civilized and being well mannered. Interestingly, shame is a tool of control for most dominant women (and many women who do not see themselves as dominant.) Most men are physically much stronger than most women but, somehow, we have evolved social norms and practices which allow women to be safe and, in many cases, equal. That did not happen by accident. It happened because smart women have always known that they could get what they needed by a combination of praise and belittlement. You praise a man when he does what he is told, you shame him when he misbehaves.

Remember that I believe all men are happier when they are submissive? I base this view on the fact that we actually live in a civilized, social and safe society. If men were not at least unwittingly submissive none of that would be possible because there would be no way to control and channel all that wonderful, vibrant but often dangerous and destructive male energy. Which may seem a long way from male masturbation but, oddly, it all ties in.

Well brought up men - an increasingly rare item I note - are given basic rules from a very early age. Basic hygiene, watching their language, and, as they get older, manners almost all of which are about respecting women and authority, usually in that order. Along the way, men learn a degree of personal modesty and a generalized respect for women. Part of that training will include a very strong injunction that masturbation is anything from inappropriate to a sin to something only to be done in private. It varies from family to family. Interestingly, it is extremely rare for there to be a route for a boy or young man to gain permission to masturbate. Even in extremely progressive households - from which Lord preserve me - while male masturbation may be discussed it is almost always in terms of "health" and with the objective of alleviating any guilt a boy may feel. But express permission, particularly from a mother, is pretty much unheard of. (In deeply religious homes the Sin of Onan may come up indicating that God himself enjoins male masturbation.)

All of which adds up to the fact that each time a man masturbates without permission and or supervision he is transgressing against a long cultural and religious tradition. More important, decently brought up men accept, at least tacitly, that the act itself is shameful and does induce a sense of guilt. They may rationalize this shame and guilt away but it remains as part of their consciousness.

The reason why male masturbation is freighted with shame lies in the uneasy biological facts of men and women. Men, as any girl or woman knows, are ready for sex pretty much any time. Women are cyclical and only come on heat a few days a month. Which means that women, over the centuries have had to find ways to keep male sexuality under control. They begin by making masturbation at least a little taboo for young men and they extend their control through everything from dating rituals to marriage.

The objective of this control is to tame the male sexual impulse. To channel it, to domesticate it and to make men conform to their eventual partner's cycle of sexual desire. Obviously, this does not always work. One of the reasons why it does not always work is that a man's sexual desire may overwhelm his early training and sense of shame.

The civilized condition for a man is to be chaste unless and until a woman gives him permission to become erect and, perhaps, to ejaculate. If he does not have that permission and he ejaculates he should, properly, feel ashamed of himself. (And if he is lucky enough to have a dominant wife or girlfriend, he should be humiliated and punished for his animalistic behaviour.) Maintaining his chastity is a gift a man gives women in general, the women he loves and himself.

Of course, chastity is hard to maintain. Masturbatory temptations are as near as your smart phone. Which is why it makes a great deal of sense for a wife or girlfriend to lock her sweetie's cock in a chasitity cage for his own good.

But what about men who do not have a wife or girlfriend to take control of their sexuality. The solution here is actually quite straightforward, a properly tempered man will find a woman to supervise his chastity. Essentially act as his keyholder. It is not at all a difficult position. After practising with his cock cage for a few months and learning, on his own how to take care of the caged cock and how long he can stay in his particular cage, a man can approach a woman he knows and ask her to hold an envelope for him. Of course, if she asks what's in the envelope, it is his obligation to tell her truthfully. Now, she may simply give him the keys when he requests them and that will work because it reduces the impulse ejaculations so many men treat themselves to. Or she may get into the spirit of the chastity experience and extend his confinement. However, once the keys have been given, the chaste man will experience the great relief of no longer having to fight his baser instincts.

Keyholding can be done remotely, I have several keys on my desk as I write this, or it can be done by a close female friend or a man can advertise for a keyholder. One solution a gentleman I know developed was that he left his key with a friendly barmaid at a pub near his home. He was very much a regular and, from time to time, she would bring him his key along with his pint. He would humble himself in the restroom and return the key. Those nights she could count on a surprisingly good tip.

The point of chastity for a single man is to encourage him to find the right woman to submit to on a long term basis. A self-imposed, strict, chastity regime will make that search much more urgent and, importantly, will give a man a real sense of the importance of women in his life. Of course, it will also ensure that when he does find a woman who he feels he can submit to, his submissive nature will be very clear from the beginning. I would think a man in a chastity device would like wait until the fourth or fifth date before handing his date the key and explaining his commitment to chastity both before and after marriage. She might walk out of the restaurant or she might want to learn more about her chaste date.

I love my husband and I don't want to hurt him...Is an FLR for us?

I hear all sorts of versions of this statement:

I love my husband and I don't want to hurt him...Is an FLR for us?

I love elliot. I love him so much that I am quite prepared to cane him or paddle him with my shower brush whenever he misbehaves and, occasionally simply to remind him of his position. I keep him in semi-permanent chastity and have been stretching out his ball sack with weights. I allow Mady to discipline him as well. When I am whipping elliot I know that it hurts and I know that he loves me all the more for taking the time to discipline him.

Female Led Relationships are about many things but they are rooted in the fact that a woman loves a man enough to accept and enforce his submission. Different men thrive in different circumstances but in my experience, a surprisingly large number of men are happiest when they accept and embrace their submissiveness. This is often the "missing" ingredient in a happy marriage.

I see this in otherwise vanilla marriages where it is quite clear that the wife is in charge and that her husband does what he is told. There are no explicit punishments although there may be an element of sexual reward for an obedient husband.

However, at some point, a wife may take the next step. Usually because, either covertly or overtly, her husband indicates a need for a firmer hand. 

(And here is a hint for husbands or wives who want to explore a more physically demanding FLR: simply say to your partner "If you keep doing that you are going to get a good spanking" or, from the husband's perspective, "Well I'd rather you spanked me than yelled at me." You would be surprised at how often all a woman needs to move to the next level is that sort of hint.)

Focus on that word "need". Submissive men, even those who are only slightly aware of their submissive nature, will know that some part of them is unfulfilled. They might not be able to articulate it but it's there. And it is sometimes very deeply hidden because it conflicts with a whole array of beliefs men have about manliness and masculinity. There is a lot of shame associated with male submissiveness. 

A loving wife is usually committed to meeting her husband's needs just as he should be committed to meeting hers. The realization that the man she loves deeply needs her leadership and her discipline can come as a surprise to some women; but many slightly dominant women have, at least unconsciously, been attracted to slightly submissive men since they were first dating. So it is usually not a complete shock that the man they are engaged to or married to will have a submissive streak.

In general, a man with a submissive streak is much happier and more productive when his wife or partner provides an element of discipline. This can be very subtle - simply telling rather than asking is an excellent way to begin. "Darling, I am going out. While I am gone make sure the laundry is folded and the dishes are in the dishwasher." 

Submissive men enjoy being told what to do. They also enjoy the idea that there will be consequences if they are disobedient. Which means that a loving wife, along with giving her husband instructions, will make it clear she expects to be obeyed and that disobedience will be punished. 

There are a lot of ways of punishing a husband and many wives in vanilla marriages use everything from scolding to sexual denial to simply ignoring their husbands. However, frankly, I think those sorts of tactics are actually pretty manipulative and just as likely to cause fractures in the marriage rather than any improvement in a husband's behaviour.

Much better is the explicit, "If you do not do as I tell you I'm going to have to punish you". Now, during an engagement or the early part of a marriage, the most important thing a wife can do is follow through on her promises.

Keeping a hairbrush or, better still, a shower brush handy allows a wife to administer punishment pretty much immediately.

Will it hurt? Yes, yes it will. For a spanking, much less more intense forms of punishment to actually matter, they have to hurt and your husband should not "like" being punished. Loving your husband may mean turning his bottom a rosy shade of red because he needs to feel the sting of your authority in order to actually embrace his own submissiveness.

So, if you love a submissive man you will have to, when he deserves it, punish him and make sure it hurts enough to matter. If you can do that then an FLR is very much a possibility.

Is there any such thing as a part time FLR?

I received a note from a rather nice woman which boiled down to this question:

Is there any such thing as a part time FLR?

Here's the note in full - with her kind permission.

Dear Hannah,

I very much enjoy your blog and look forward to new entries and can't wait for your book.

I suppose I am the leader in my marriage in the sense that my husband does what he is told, accepts my punishments when he is cheeky and is sexually submissive to me. He is chaste although I have not yet put him in a cock cage except to play for a day. 

At the same time we have kids, we both work and, frankly, we simply don't have the time for much of anything. Yes, he is sexually submissive; but, really, we're both mainly sexually and in every other way, exhausted. 

The fact is that I find leading and being a dominant wife great fun and very much how I think marriage should be organized, but I don't think I have the energy to be dominant full time.

Any suggestions?

----

This letter, and several like it, are really about the idea that there is a "right" way to be a dominant wife and head of household. There is no such thing. There is only "your" way.

In fact, in a marriage where the husband does what he is told, accepts his wife's right to correct him and is sexually compliant all of the essentials of an FLR are in place. Enforced chastity is merely the cherry on top.

Perhaps the best way to understand a long term dominant/submissive relationship is to see it as a practice rather than as an event. For example, elliot is often sent to his corner to reflect and be mindful; however, he does not have to be sent there every day at 8:30 AM for this to be effective. In fact, days and even weeks may go by without him having cornertime. The fact he acknowledges my right to use this particular discipline is as important as the discipline itself.

At the same time, the writer is underlining a more troubling aspect to her marriage, and frankly, to the marriages of many of the younger people I know. They do not have enough time to really enjoy their marriages whether FLR or vanilla. And the writer, as head of her household is responsible for fixing that with the help of her husband. 

There are a number of things which are time sinks which a clever, dominant, wife will get to work eliminating. First off, screen time. A properly disciplined husband should have a fixed amount of time he is allowed to waste in front of a screen - TV, computer, video game - half an hour a day for non-work related screens is more than enough in my opinion. You would be astonished at how much time that simple rule will free up. 

Don't guess at the screen time either. I suggest you keep a couple of delightfully old fashioned wind up timers around the house. When your husband wants to watch TV or play a video game make sure he has to come to you and ask for his timer. You set it and it will ring when his time is up. (Timers are also good for corner time or when you want to give him three minutes to ejaculate.)

With his newly free time you can have your husband do more around the house. Spend time with the children, clean up the kitchen after dinner, do the laundry (yes, men can be trained not to mix whites with colours). 

The two of you should also sit down an look at your finances to see where the money is going and how it can be better spent to free up time for you as a couple. I cannot overemphasize how much better a marriage can be with a cleaning lady once a week and a regular babysitter. Yes, that costs money but it will give you both time to actually be with one another.

A third strategy is to set a bedtime for your husband. I like elliot in bed by 10 on weeknights and 11 on the weekends. Setting your husband's bedtime is very much an act of wifely dominance. Tell him you expect him in his pajamas or nightie (if you require it) with his teeth brushed and showered and tucked in ready for his kiss goodnight at 10 on the dot and make a point of giving him that kiss every night. Make sure his bedtime is early enough that it actually changes his schedule.

Of course, the nice thing about having your husband in bed at a set hour is that he is available to service you if you are in the mood. elliot loves it when I tell him to lie back and arrange myself for his oral attentions. It also give you a moment in the day to review his behavior and correct him where required. Having a nice, flexible, cane handy and telling your husband to roll over and raise his hips will ensure he knows his place. With a regular, early, bedtime, discipline and pleasure will have a place in your day. 

By making these, small, adjustments a dominant wife can bring a good deal of order into her household and deepen her FLR. Best of all, these sorts of simple routines actually reduce the energy it takes to be the head of your household. Being the dominant partner in your marriage should actually take less rather than more energy. Remember, it is your husband's position to love, honour and obey you. As it should be.

A Man's Position

I always find it annoying that there are so many great pictures of girls being spanked, standing in their corner, serving men, being bound - with real beauties, models and glorious women all in pretty lingerie or nothing at all - but so few good pictures of men in their proper place.

I had elliot go and search out a few. Annoyingly, this version of blogger does not have any gallery function that I can find but enjoy anyway. We'll post a few more sets.

One note: for gentlemen who are in female led relationships it goes without saying that you are to look no further without the enthusiastic consent of the lady of the house, for men properly in cock cages, make sure you look at each picture closely and see which produces the most significant pressure on your little locked cock. 

Is a Chastity Cage Essential to a successful Female Led Relationship?

Here is another question I am often asked about female led relationships:

Is a Chastity Cage Essential to a successful Female Led Relationship?

I talked about male chastity itself in an earlier answer. The fact is that one of the key elements of a female led relationship is the control of the male's sexuality. In all its forms. The dominant wife or girlfriend takes charge of her partner's sexuality as both proof of her dominant position and, just as importantly, because it is the most powerful tool she has to shape, discipline and refine her lovingly submissive man.

Ah, but do you have to lock up his little cock?

A few years ago I would have said no. But since I got elliot's first cock cage and then made the decision to keep him caged nearly all the time, I have changed my thinking a lot on the question.

I certainly think the honour system of male chastity can work for couples but the physical reality of putting your husband's cock under lock and key changes the dynamic in quite profound ways. All to the better I might add.

Restricting and controlling the male orgasm is a key element to ensuring that a man is paying close attention to the needs and desires of his wife. However, actually locking up your partner's cock and leaving him locked up for significant periods of time, alters his perspective in very important ways.

Remember, from puberty onward, your husband or boyfriend has been able to masturbate at will and to become erect for any number of reasons. A well-fitted cock cage takes away his right to masturbate and makes erections, without permission, either impossible or acutely uncomfortable. The honour system for male chastity leaves control of your husband's cock in his hands. Locking his cock up, puts the keys and the control where they belong, in your hands.

Symbolically, a cock cage is huge for the obvious reasons. However, practically, your man's submission is re-enforced every minute of every day. For example, most men prefer to pee standing up. A man in a cock cage will almost always find it easier to sit down. A locked man will still experience his morning erection but it will be a very different experience. Instead of a sort of warm horniness - often leading husbands to want sexual release before you've even brushed your teeth - a cock cage will send an instant morning reminder about who is in charge. If you have a morning routine worked out a painful erection will send your husband off to make coffee, shower and return to your service.

Being required to wear a cock cage is also a humiliating reminder for husbands and boyfriends that they have given up their sexuality to the woman they love. Now, elliot works at home and always has, but when he has to take meetings, his cock cage and ball stretcher are a constant reminder of his submission. Obviously, he is never going to be unfaithful when he is locked in his cage, less obviously, he tries to avoid any sort of sexual response at all because getting hard is not actually an option.

Leaving a submissive man uncaged means he retains at least some control over his sexuality. Men in general, and submissive men in particular need to have very strict limits set on their sexuality. For a dominant wife having her husband put on his cock cage and then locking it puts a hard limit on his sexuality. For as long as she chooses her husband is, effectively, neutered.

And all the better for it.

In fact, even men who are not in female led relationships can benefit from the control and humility a cock cage affords. Simply ordering a cage and locking up your own cock is an excellent first step in accepting your submissive nature. Finding or hiring a woman to hold your keys is the next step. Asking a girl out on a date when your cock is in its cage changes the dynamic of the relationship right from the go. As a submissive male you are not going to initiate sexual activity in any case but if the woman decides she wants to move ahead intimately, you will know you will have to tell her about your cock cage and ask her if you could please her in other ways. It is, of course, her decision but as more women realize they prefer to be the dominant partner you may find that your caged cock is actually very attractive.

Update: A number of people have written to ask if I thought all men should have to wear cock cages all the time. It is a wonderful, if wholly impractical, idea. While I have no doubt it would do men and women the world of good if men were all required to have their cocks locked up that is not going to happen. However, there is no reason at all that men, both inside and outside FLRs cannot voluntarily accept the control and discipline of a cock cage.

And wouldn't it be fun if men who have accepted the demands of a chaste life in the service of women could wear a discrete symbol of their general submission? And, yes, I am thinking of a little key pin. Imagine how delightful it would be to see a gentleman wearing such a pin and knowing that he was locked up and that he has accepted the proper male position. Imagine how delightful it will be to pin your obedient husband knowing his cock is locked up. (I've already ordered elliot's key pin.) And, of course, imagine, as a submissive male, properly locked up wearing your key pin and knowing that a select few women (and, of course, your fellow chaste males) know your actual position.

Female Led Relationships and the Single Girl

I don't get this question often but it is an interesting one:

As a young, happily single, woman can I bring elements of female dominance into my dating life?

The answer is, of course, you can. But that raises a host of questions about how? And then questions about "what"? And then, when you think about it for a moment, the question "Why?" is going to really determine how you proceed.

Through Mady I am lucky enough to know several very much younger women. Some of them are lesbian by inclination but four or five prefer, or would prefer, to date men. Sexually, most of these women are experienced but not tremendously so. 

Over the summer we had two "girls weekends" when Mady invited a couple of her friends up to our house and elliot was put to work keeping the wine glasses topped up and the canapes coming. (He has far too much fun serving four women and, as the weekend goes on, serving them in increasingly intimate and somewhat humiliating ways. The girls know we have a female-led household but it takes a little while for them to understand the full implications of this. Mady and I carry on as we usually do. The only significant difference is that while elliot is usually uncaged during the summer, I lock up his little cock in a cute pink cage for the weekend. The girls can ask for the keys as required.)

The conversation often touches on the sheer frustration these girls are experiencing out in the dating world. They find a decent guy, go out a few times, maybe sleep with him and find themselves "ghosted". Or they discover that the perfect gentleman of date two turns into a full-on sexual predator by date four. Or they can't manage to land a date with a particular man they are interested in. It is very much the sort of conversation I had with my girlfriends a generation ago.

If asked, and I always wait to be asked, I am happy to offer advice.

"There are two ways for a woman to present herself in the world," I'd say. "She can try to please that world or she can assume that it is the world's duty to please her. Of course, the third option is to join "Pantsuit Nation" and largely give up on actually being a woman in any interesting sense of the word."

Before the girls come up for the weekend I encourage them to read a couple of my books: Avails: Escorting for the Elegant Woman and Modern Mistress: Lead the Luxury Life You Deserve. For younger women - the Sugar Baby generation - both books are a revelation. The very idea that a woman by dressing elegantly, having very high standards and an enthusiastic approach to sex can make a very good living or be kept in high style is a surprise. And it underscores something I think is very important for women, especially young women, to understand: women hold all the cards. The question is how a particular woman will play them.

For a young woman deciding that she will, implicitly at first, explicitly as her confidence grows, be in charge of her dating life is the crucial first step in developing a female-led relationship strategy. If you take a look at the picture accompanying this note, you see a healthy, strong, slightly remote, young woman who will turn heads where ever she goes. But note how simple her suit is, how plain her clutch is. What makes the outfit, however, are the black leather gloves. If ever there was an outfit which said, "I'm in charge, you'll please me and do what you are told." it's this one.

Everything from a girl's bearing and gait, to her choice in lingerie to how she deploys her makeup will send signals. Her choices, long before she walks into a classroom or an office or a concert, will narrow the range of men who are likely to approach her. 

"The last thing an intelligent, elegant, woman wants is a sub-par man," I tell the girls. "You should be looking for men who excel, who lead interesting lives, who enjoy a degree of success. Dating - which I strongly recommend - is a wonderful dance where a woman has the opportunity to get to know a man, well, men really. And then make a judgement. Is this man worthy of serious attention or should I enjoy his company and his money knowing there is no future?" 

A young lady who embraces her own superiority as a woman will be a refreshing change for most of the alpha males who are confident enough to approach her. And, lucky them, if the young lady likes what she sees, she may encourage that male to get in touch. Or, and this is often best, she may simply ask him for his card and personal number without giving him more than her first name.

At that point she can begin to play a little. Dress well and phone him to tell him to meet her for a drink a block away from his office. Note the word, "tell". A smart girl begins the way she means to finish. This sort of "take charge" attitude will put the girl outside virtually all of her man's previous encounters with dateable women. And when, after a single drink, she says, "You can take me to dinner next Monday. I will meet you here at six," his response will tell her whether he is potentially going to work out as a submissive partner.

Now, as I have always said about elliot, I wanted and have a very alpha man. That he is submissive to me and in our home and, frankly, in public, in no way means he is the least bit wimpy or wishy-washy in business. He would not be a successful as he is were he anything but a pack leader at work. No smart young woman confuses a man's submission to her, his obedience, with any sort of a lack of spine. She wants the man who she will eventually keep in chastity, whip regularly and humiliate routinely, to be worth her attention.

It is usually at about this point that one of my guests will say, as the penny drops, "Well isn't this very much like the way our grandmothers dated in the 1950's?" 

Indeed. Back in the 1950's a girl knew she had a good deal of value and was more than willing to spend a few years enjoying the attentions of suitable young men (and often some rather older ones with a bit more money as well.) These young women did not see hopping into bed at the end of the second date as required or, in fact, as anything other than more than a little slutty. There were plenty of arousing activities which stopped well short of intercourse which would keep a young man dancing attendance. 

So, for a modern young lady who wants to, the first step towards a FLR dating situation is to take charge right from the go. Then, as a possible suitor takes her out on dates, she is able to combine a pleasing degree of strictness with plenty of sexual teasing. What she is trying to do is see if a particular man is, in fact, essentially submissive. While it will be many dates before she takes him over her lap for a good bath brush correction, by the third or fourth date she will certainly be telling her young man that if he misbehaves he will be going over her knee. 

Simply mentioning the prospect of physical correction will often give the girl the information she needs. If her young man brings it up on the next date this is a very good indication that being punished by the girl he loves is interesting.

As I told the girls, there are dozens of things a girl can and should do to see if a man is suitable. One which is always fun is to have him hold and then carry not only your shopping but your handbag. Another, a little further down the road, is to handcuff him - and for heaven's sake use good handcuffs, not toys - slip off your panties and tell him to "Get to work." Some men will baulk, in which case they will not be invited back, but most men in my experience will thoroughly enjoy giving you your pleasure. Of course, they will often expect a girl to "reciprocate". An expectation sensible girls entirely ignore.

So, yes, you most certainly can take the lead in a dating relationship. Best of all, you can make it clear to the men you are dating that you are dating and comparing other men. Men love competition. With your contemporaries, it makes sense to make it very clear that you are, with no particular urgency, planning to marry. 

Now, with older admirers, that is the very last thing they want to hear. Instead, make it clear to them that they exist to ensure you have the nice things like silk chemises, real silk stockings, a really good vibrator and the pampering you deserve. Wonderful food, the occasional short vacation and what Holly Golightly referred to as "Powder Room Money" are all to be expected. Nice things in blue boxes never go amiss.

A girl can be just as in charge with a man old enough to be her father as with a younger man. Those handcuffs will come in handy. But with older men, a girl does not have to be quite as stingy with her favours and good behaviour and really wonderful presents can be the occasion for a controlled ejaculation. The dynamic is very different.

I'll return to the subject another day. But, right now, it is cocktail hour and I'd hate to be late.