Thursday, 18 December 2014

Female and male: Scarcity and the Well Tempered Husband

No, not a post about sexy cross-dressing; rather an observation about how women and men work differently and why it is important to recognize the difference in a wife lead marriage.

There is an ancient cliche that women think about sex a couple of times a month and men are always on. Like most cliches it contains a grain or two of truth. Men certainly think a lot about sex. They are easily aroused and are pretty much willing to have sex any time. Yes, there are some men who have lower libidos and some men who have been well trained; but the general observation is true.

It is even truer of high performance, alpha males. Whether it is high levels of testosterone or simply better physical condition, the sort of man a girl wants is going to want her pretty much all the time. Which is great but it also is one of the primary reasons smart women are drawn to female led relationships.

Truth to tell I have never been attracted to beta males. Because the sad truth is that they are just as much work as alphas with far fewer rewards. Plus, quite honestly, I have always had the sneaking suspicion that being beta is a choice and, frankly, not a good one. But, no matter, taming and disciplining an alpha male is much more challenging but endlessly fascinating.

Alpha males tend to be more than a little driven and certainly a bit obsessive. You are not successful without more than a little of each characteristic. They are also often very creative and insightful. Recognizing those traits is the first step towards taming and eventually leading your alpha.

The alpha/beta distinction works less well with women. There are plenty of women who led their relationships but who are the very opposite of the uber gals who are always "leaning in" and demonstrating their competitive capacities. While I can certainly be a tiger I much prefer the more feminine position of a well pampered pussy. What is the point of having an alpha male if you have to go out and do the hunting?

The more salient distinction between women is about confidence: are you confident in yourself or do you look for affirmation from the people, in particular the men, around you. Lack of confidence makes it very difficult for women to take charge in their relationship simply because they rely so heavily on their husbands or boyfriends for that affirmation. (Which, gentlemen, is a huge hint as to what to look for if you want to be the submissive partner in your marriage or relationship - a strong, confident woman. There are lots out there.)

Which, in its own funny way, brings us back around to the topic of sex. Women have a complicated relationship to their own sexuality. On the one hand it is a source of delightful pleasure, on the other it is a everything from pure power to a bone of contention. While the male libido is effectively constant, the female libido fluctuates across the monthly cycle. For confident women this fluctuation is something to be embraced, but for their less confident sisters it can make the entire spectrum of sexuality a somewhat uncomfortable place.

As a general rule women are happier when they control the sexual dynamic in a relationship. If you begin with the idea that the alpha male you love will be in a pretty constant state of sexual readiness when sex occurs becomes your choice. How do you make that choice? For less than confident women "giving in" to their partner's sexual desires can very quickly become the norm. They can come to see being sexually available to their partner as a huge factor in the success of their relationship. They become pleasers ready for a quickie or a blow job whenever their partner is so inclined.

Economists, the DeBeers Company and the great courtesans will all tell you that the value of something increases with scarcity. but both DeBeers and the courtesans have to deal with a difficult fact: diamonds and willing female sexual partners are not, by their nature, scarce at all. In nature there are lots of diamonds and plenty of fish. The DeBeers' solution was to create artificial scarcity both by restricting supply and by creating the impression of value for essentially meaningless attributes: the four "C's" and the general pooh poohing of any diamond cut prior to 1950 as being "mine cut" are all designed to create the perception of value.

The great courtesans and today's ultra-luxe escorts do much the same thing with female sexuality. They made it very expensive to begin with. But they also created a mystique, a sense of exclusivity and of privilege in the way they presented themselves. To spend time with a really high end escort a man has to have plenty of money and, perhaps more than that, a sense of being entitled to play in that league.

For a dominant wife to take charge in her marriage, in her bedroom and in her own life, she needs to create - in one man at least - that sense of scarcity, of value and of privilege. At its core this creation is sexual. The dominant wife makes the decisions as to the when, where and how of the sexual element of her marriage. But it is also about all the other elements of her marriage. Where she lives, how she dresses, her expectations: men, especially alpha men, are all about goals. Give them something to achieve and they will be like a dog with a bone.

By making sex scarce a dominant wife increases its value. By making the effort to be intensely desirable, more than a little flirtatous and very much the tease, the dominant wife keeps her husband's attention. He does not wander, he tries to please her and, in time, he begins, quite naturally, to obey her. To do what he is told.

Now the marriage is as it should be and the wife can and should introduce all the other delicious bits of discipline and, from time to time, punishment which will bond her husband, imprint him, with the devotion and submission a clever wife enjoys.

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