The Dominant Wife's Valentines Day

Here's a safe bet, my darling elliot will not be taking me to see 50 Shades of Grey. And not for the obvious reason that it is not a game I am interested in - in fact I have been know to switch - rather because it misses much of the point of a dominant/submissive relationship. Namely that there is a relationship before the D/S kicks in.

I am also pretty sure that my darling will not be picking me up any shopping mall tacky sexy lingerie although I might get him a version of this wonderfully tacky nightie and panty set...

In fact we'll celebrate St. Valentines Day with my favorite things. A fabulous dress, pretty fully fashioned stockings and lots of smoked salmon and champagne. Then a simple, so easy elliot can cook it, steak and bearnaise sauce with fresh green beans and new potatoes dinner. A glass or two of excellent red wine, a little dark chocolate for desert...

Perfect. Then off to bed where I may or may not unlock elliot (link is very not safe for work with his little cockette trying to get hard in his cage. Like any other night we'll see what I am in the mood for. I suspect I will definitely in the mood for elliot's loving oral attentions. He really is getting very good at pleasing me with his tongue. And then, in my lover's arms, utterly satisfied and more than a little content, I'll fall asleep: The Lady of the House.

Lock Him Up

I must admit I was skeptical when I first started reading about physical male chastity. As a dominant wife I did, of course, control elliot's orgasms. I had spent a good deal of time working to ensure that he only came when he had permission and, as importantly, when I was pinching his nipple good and hard between my nails. I had him to the point where he could pull on his little cockette, get very hard but without the nipple pinch he'd just stay on edge. So, I thought, why would I bother putting his little cock in a cage?

Well, after keeping him caged most of January, I can safely say that I will never be without a chastity cage again. This is a marvellous invention. It provides a level of elegant, demure wifely control which I had never experienced before.

In the beginning I was a little concerned that it would focus all together too much attention on elliot's little willy but, in fact, once he's locked up I simply never think about his cockette. Of course, once in a while I like to feel him in me; but, honestly, more and more I prefer his well trained tongue and my lovely vibrator. So clicking the padlock closed just takes a distraction away from elliot.

The cage I got for elliot is a soft construction silicone male chastity device. I didn't realize it at the time but this chastity is exceptionally comfortable. I got the short cage as that is really all elliot needs but a better endowed husband can be caged in a normal or even long cage. There may be a breaking in period where your husband only wears his cage a few hours at a time. But, soon enough, you'll be able to lock him up for days or weeks at a time. (I am looking at CB6000S which has a hard case and would be less comfortable as a punishment device but I am not sure I want elliot's enforced chastity to be a punishment.)

Once elliot is locked in our lives continue in exactly the same way. He has his corner time and his duties and he is whipped for both maintenance and punishment; but now he has no control at all over his cock. He has to take his tiny dose of viagra as usual and so he has a quite uncomfortable morning erection which is pretty regular at about 7:30 when he has to get up and make my tea in any case. He may have other erections during the day, I don't know and don't actually care. I often tease him a little at cocktail hour and I will, occasionally, lift his nightie and stroke him erect before I go to sleep. But he knows once he is locked in he'll stay that way for some time. I don't even keep the key in the bedroom so it takes a bit of planning if I want his cockette for some reason.

Once in a while I have him strip off after some cornertime and with a little lube, I'll push his prostate milking vibrator up his bottom and let him drain into some tissue. But not too often. I like him to be full, completely on edge.

So, ladies, quick as you can....lock up your husbands. You'll be glad you did and he'll be humbly grateful.

Dressing

How should a dominant wife dress?

The simple answer is, "Any way which suits her."

In fact there is an entire style which has grown up around the idea of dominant women. It is a projection of a different world from the dominant wife.

The sad truth is that there are many more submissive men than there are true dominant women. Demand has created supply and there are women who, for a fee, will put a gentlemen through his paces. Professional dominants have a couple of hours in which to evoke the feelings of submission that their clients crave. Which means they often use props and costumes to create a mood. Whips, chains, a dark "dungeon" and, of course, the leather and boots which signify the pro domme. Now, not every professional dominant uses these props but it is a relatively easy way for a professional to cut to the heart of their clients' fantasies. And nothing wrong with that. But it is not at all my cup of tea.

A female led marriage is not a fantasy - it is a day to day commitment to a certain way of conducting a marriage. And, of course, a marriage is not all corner time and canings. In fact, most of the time a FLR is indistinguishable from a more vanilla arrangement.

So I really do dress to please myself and to take on my regular role as Lady of the House. Yes, I do have corsets - several and two custom made. But, practically, I wear my corsets as a treat once in a while. (And yes elliot gets very hard when he laces me in...all the better.) And I love my vintage foundations and gorgeous lingerie - but long before I took the lead in our marriage I loved all those pretty things.

My style has always been classic, vintage with a few good designer pieces and pretty bags, boots and shoes. I like to wear dresses or skirts and I like the hem to be mid-calf. If I do say so myself, I have lovely legs but I think ladies should leave much to the imagination.

While I don't consciously dress as a dominant woman, I do dress as a lady and, with the right attitude, that is much the same thing. Simply by having nice, feminine clothes, avoiding abominations like Lululemon outside the yoga studio and sweats outside the gym, I project a good deal of power. Women who dress with a bit of style find they get much better service and a good deal more respect.

A little makeup, a great lipstick (here's my current, incredibly cheap, favourite), a nice haircut and you look finished and well groomed when you are out in the world.

Yes, I do wear stockings, often seamed, with my outfits. I love the feel of really fine hose and I love the look of a finished leg. And what is the point of stockings if they are not securely held in place with a flattering open bottomed girdle. These underpinnings with a pleated skirt or a snug knit dress mean that I feel beautifully dressed.

When I feel beautifully dressed I also feel terrifically confident. I am in charge, every inch the Lady of the House.

Amazon Fun

elliot just finished my review of some of the delightful things our readers have purchased from Amazon. These all caught my eye.

Master Series Intense Impact Cane, Red. I like the looks of this plastic cane. I doubt elliot would like it much which would make it perfect for punishment whippings.

Cleanstream Enema Bulb, Red I think elliot would benefit from using this to make sure he is fresh and clean for any toys I might want to slip up his backdoor.

Rago Women's Hi Waist Bike Shaper Adding to elliot's girdle wardrobe is always fun. He is quite used to wearing a girdle so having a few around the house is a treat for him and no trouble for me. Perfect.

Silicone Male Chastity Device, Adult Penis Male Defend Chastity Belt Lock Cage (Pink) I can't imagine why I didn't cage elliot years ago. While he is chaste without the cage, the humiliation of having to wear this is ideal. I suspect even better in pink.

Dominant Wives: Erotic Tales of Marital Femdom, Chastity, Cuckolding, Husband Humiliation & More! I have no objection to elliot reading naughty books. In fact it is rather fun to make him read an arousing story or two when he's had his Viagra and is in his cage.

The Hesitant MistressI am hoping to finish my "An Elegant Woman's Guide to Female Led Marriages" in the next couple of months. Until then this book is great for a woman taking charge of her marriage or for a gentleman who wishes to submit to his wife.

Of course many of out readers just go into to Amazon through our links to buy things which are entirely unrelated to female led relationships, or gifts for their lovely dominant wives or any number of things...for which we are very grateful.

A Good Whipping

I suspect at this point elliot would be a perfectly submissive husband without being whipped regularly. But where's the fun in that?

Oddly, I don't mean my fun. I quite like bringing the cane down on his bottom but I could also live without it except for punishment purposes. Caning my darling is not a huge turn on for me. But it certainly is for him and it is quite obviously good for him. Gets the endorphins flowing and keeps his mind on his business.

A dominant wife is blessed with a whole series of options when it comes to giving her husband the attention that all men actually crave. Where a vanilla wife is pretty much left with a flirty outfit for date night and the occasional "atta boy" blow job, the Lady of the House has a series of treats for her submissive husband.

A good whipping, well caning at our house because I like the feel of a cane and the marks it leaves, is a deeply sexualized experience. Think about it, there is a man obeying his wife and standing still to endure as much pain as she choses to inflict and yet, there in his little black cock cage, I could see him trying to get hard. Just as he did when I sent him to his corner.

A maintenance caning should remind your husband of his position; but there is nothing wrong with recognizing that that might be all the sexual tension he has that day or even that week. I don't "dress" to whip; but I certainly like to whip elliot when I am in my nightdress or lingerie. I suspect he likes it too. The point is never to dismiss your husband's sexuality. So long as his cock is under lock and key and he has been trained to obedience, teasing and flirting is all the more fun.

A good whipping is all about intensity rising. When I first used to correct elliot I held back a lot for fear of really hurting him. Now that I am more proficient with the cane I can control the intensity. But there is no point in just "tap, tapping" unless I want to deliberately tease him. Which I usually don't. Instead, I have been increasing the duration and intensity of our maintenance whippings. In time I would like to stretch them out to a full 30 strokes with the last ten quite severe. I think it leaves a much stronger impression for a man to be wearing his welts and weals for several days after he has been caned.

Of course, this leads to an increase in intensity for punishment canings but those are quite infrequent. They have to leave elliot gasping which is accomplished by starting hard and going right to full force in two or three strokes. He does not like being punished one bit...as he shouldn't.

But now we are in the post whipping glow and he is ever so attentive. His little cock is straining against its cage but I like that. Tonight, perhaps, I'll have him show his appreciation. He is really getting very skillful with his tongue, fingers and my sweet little vibe. (He's managed to get a lovely sequence where he first licks with the whole of his tongue to get me deliciously wet, then while he concentrates on my clit, he slips the vibrator in on a low speed and slips a little finger in my backdoor. While I prefer to finish myself in the privacy sending him to his corner affords, I must admit the last couple of times I have been tempted to just hold his head in place...Once I did, once I sent him away. Not sure which I will do tonight.)

More Advice for a Young Wife

I've had a lovely response to my earlier advice to a young wife and, as you might guess, there is lots more to say.

Directing a female led marriage is a process rather than a checklist. While there is plenty of fun to be had with a few old stockings and a bath brush that is not a marriage it is an entertaining Saturday night. A thought to be borne in mind when a young lady is setting out on her way to taking charge of her marriage.

For most men, young or old, the idea of a sexually active, much less, dominant woman is both intriguing and a little frightening. They are used to chasing girls who, occasionally, let themselves be caught. Which may very well be how you arranged your own marriage. The problem is that the idea of the chase can survive even the most elaborate wedding ceremony and your alpha husband may soon be chasing some other girl. Which will never do.

The erotics of marriage never cease to delight me but, I must admit, it takes a real commitment to keep your marriage exciting for both of you. Especially when, for one reason or another, you've decided to keep your husband chaste and to control his orgasms and, eventually, his erections. That commitment begins with the recognition that like many things in a well run household, a wife must take charge.

Earlier I wrote about the scarcity value of sex. The general principle is that a wife does herself no favours by allowing her husband to have sex with her whenever he wants to. Nor does she help her marriage by dropping the constraints of modesty and a certain, elegant, delicateness. Wandering around the house naked or in a T-shirt and panties is all very nice for a single girl; but a married woman needs to captivate an audience of one and there is no point in letting her audience back stage.

A female led marriage is, in a certain sense, a throwback to a gentler time when no man you'd want to marry would ever fail to rise when a lady entered the room, hold the door or speak respectfully to any woman he might consider marrying. The idea of "The Lady of the House" is far more basic than the niceties of bedroom etiquette. Just like sexual matters, a lady will get the respect that she demands. But, as it has always been, it is the lady who sets the standards.

Long before a new wife begins to cane or physically correct her husband she needs to place herself in a position where her husband is happy to accept her primacy. It is a difficult but rewarding path for a young wife to follow. The objective is nothing less than a loving husband who does exactly what he is told and accepts, indeed embraces, his wife's unquestioned right to make the decisions in the marriage and to set the standards.

Leaving aside the cane and the bath brush, disciplining a husband is about rewarding the behaviour you want to encourage and ruthlessly punishing behaviour or even attitude which is below the standards you set. Rewards can range from actively suggesting that your husband put his feet up and watch his favourite game through to indulging any little sexual kink he might have. (The later being great fun because you can surprise your husband with real enthusiasm for which ever game he likes to play in the bedroom. For most men, sexual kinks are a matter of some shame and being allowed to put on a pair of your panties or having a couple of your fingers up his bottom, especially when you suggest it, is hugely powerful. But make sure you leave his shame intact as you'll be working with it as you assert your dominance.) Punishments, until you are able to properly use the cane and paddle, usually revolve around withdrawing things which are entirely in your power: your company, your bed. Or they can be as simple as calmly scolding your husband. In any punishment situation the most important thing is that you assume and your husband acknowledges that you have a perfect right to correct his behaviour.

Simple, verbal, corrections are a good place to start. Rudeness or disrespect can be met with icy silence or a curt, "I will not be spoken to that way." or "I do not tolerate rudeness." It is well worth while, especially in the first weeks and months of a marriage, to have very high standards indeed. A well corrected husband will soon learn his place.

More physical corrections can and should be introduced as early in your marriage as possible. You should be bringing up the possibility of corporal punishment pretty much from the time you begin your honeymoon. By making it clear that you certainly intend spanking and more lively forms of punishment to form part of your marriage, you are conditioning your husband to his eventual fate. But there is no rush. After all, there is nothing more fetching than a pretty young wife sitting in front of her makeup table and calling her husband into her dressing room with the words "Darling, I need to have a talk with you." She sits, perhaps in a dressing gown or a slip, holding her wooden hairbrush and tapping her open hand to underline her points. Her husband stands until he is dismissed. After a couple such conversations a young wife can easily end her piece with something like, "So if you can't behave I am going to have to give you a more forceful reminder..." The hairbrush will make its own point.

Taking simple decisions out of her husband's hands re-enforces her position as head of the household. To take an easy example: as a young wife's dominance increases it is a good idea to tell her husband to do specific things. "Darling, you have a big day tomorrow so I'm sending you to bed now. I'll be up in a little while and you may read after you've washed and put on your PJs." It may take a few tries but, fairly quickly, especially if compliance leads to a bedroom treat, the young wife will be rewarded with an obedient, "Yes dear."

The young wife should, however, make sure that these sorts of small things are always phrased as orders rather than requests. Instant obedience is expected and sometimes rewarded, disobedience or dawdling is grounds for a good scolding and, usually, some form of punishment. Sometimes immediately, sometimes a few hours or a day later to give the husband a bit of time to reflect on his misconduct.

The combination of a wonderfully enthusiastic attitude towards sex - when the young wife is in the mood - a willingness to play up to his kinks, a becoming personal modesty, high standards, demanding what you want as a matter of right and the threat of corporal punishment will all imprint on your new husband. For the young wife this imprinting is the task of the first year or two of marriage. With it will come her increasing control over everything from the family finances to what her husband wears to bed to how much time he spends working out.

Before her husband has much of a chance to object a clever young wife will have ensured that his first instinct is to do what he's told. She's well on her way to the pleasures of an obedient husband and a female led marriage.

Post #100 - Advice to a Young Wife

I am always stunned by how quickly things accumulate. One moment I did not have a femdom blog, now I have 100 posts, a twitter feed, a Facebook page...Amazing.

I received a note a few days ago from a young lady interested in taking charge of her marriage. She was only twenty six and had been married for two years. Everything was ok at home, her husband, who is a couple of years older, was working hard and as she put it, "Sex is fine. Not great, fine." She's been reading my blog for some time and has read elliot's as well. Her real question was how she could become the Lady of Her House.

It is not at all an easy question to answer simply because I don't know the young lady nor do I know her husband. Some men are never going to submit and that is all there is to it. If a woman wants to be mistress in her own house and she has married a man without the key submissive tendency she has married the wrong man. And the time to find that out is before you get married. For Heaven's sake start the process of disciplining and training your man well before you marry him.

However, if you have neglected this pre-nuptial training it is not too late. I have written many times about how female domination begins in the bedroom;but it actually begins in your boudoir or at your make-up table or in your shower. It begins with your choice.

Many couples have a great deal of fun with "Shades of Grey" games of dominance and submission. Of a Saturday night the possibilities of rope and riding crop can be explored. And that sort of play for some couples opens the conversation. But it is not by any stretch of the imagination, even with a submissive husband, a female led relationship. Because, and this matters, role play is almost always about male desires. Which are fun to play with but are not significant in a female led relationship.

My young friend contemplating taking the lead in her marriage needs to go a good deal deeper in herself before taking the plunge. Giving your husband a playful spanking before he makes love to you is not even distantly related to modern, wifely discipline. So, begin with your desires, what you want.

Successful dominant wives are working with pre-existing parts of their own character. Most men will have a slight submissive streak which a dominant wife can encourage; but, arguably it is a bit rarer for women to have a drive to dominance. Girls are brought up to nurture and to care for people - their husbands included - and that early training can complicate a woman's ability to take charge of her marriage. Giving your husband a good whipping is often tough the first few times simply because it is contrary to a certain sort of conception of the feminine.

So, the first thing I suggest my young correspondent does is to try out her inner "bossy" girl. Tell, don't ask, your husband to do the things you want him to. Just simple things like unloading the dishwasher or folding the laundry. If he does as he's told praise him and, just for fun, perhaps give him a little sexual treat. A quick cock squeeze is easy and usually a bit of a surprise. Extend your "telling" to the bedroom. Rather than letting him guess what you want, tell him. Even if you want nothing more than a back rub or a foot massage, accustom your husband to doing what he is told.

And, of course, now would be a very good time to begin his chastity training. One good way to get him following along towards chastity is to make him make you come, initially once but in time more than once, before he is allowed any satisfaction. As well, begin to control his orgasms. Let him come as often as he wants under your supervision. Then, gradually, have him come when, and only when, he is told. If your husband likes to come several times a day, and many young men do, make sure most of his supervised orgasms are very matter of fact jerk off in the bathroom into some toilet paper sessions. Pretty quickly you can make this into something of a humiliating ritual by sending him to wait for you in the bathroom with his trousers and underwear down, stroking his cock so you don't have to waste your time watching his little performance.

Once you have taken control of his orgasms it is not a bad idea to begin to train him to only come when a certain stimulus is applied. I have nipple trained elliot. Unless his nipples are pinched quite hard, even after a month in chastity, he has a very difficult time coming. Remember that you are not training a boyfriend, you are training a life partner and you'll be pinching his nipples or squeezing his testicles for years. So look for a trigger which you like yourself.

A young wife has lots of time to train her husband properly. But first she needs to make her decision that, for better or worse, she is to lead her marriage and be the Lady of her own House.