Naughty and Corrected

The terrible truth about being a dominant wife is that if you have to whip your husband it is often your own fault. elliot was rude to me last night. Not horribly rude but rude and more than that, when I called him on it, I got back chat. I sent him to bed. But I knew I would have to punish him.

I don't especially like punishing elliot. Especially when I know I am going to have to be quite severe. Like most women, I am pretty warm and nurturing and I would prefer to cuddle than to cane. At the same time, part of my responsibility as head of household at our house is to correct elliot as and when required. And I realized last night, after I sent him up to bed, that I had not been taking my disciplinary duties as seriously as I should have.

It is, frankly, much better to cane a man instantly for bad behaviour rather than letting the behaviour continue. Being strict means that your husband will stay on his toes and pay you the respect and attention you require.

But the other advantage of frequent, immediate punishment is that men understand a good hard whipping right after the infraction far better than if you store up the punishments. Which means their errors will be fewer and the need to correct less urgent. So, in a sense, the severe whipping elliot deserved and got today was really my fault for not having taken things in hand much sooner. Even the best husband, and elliot is wonderful, is made all the better with a weekly or, at minimum bi monthly re-acquaintance with the cane or bath brush. Now, poor elliot, would have to endure both.

He describes his punishment over at his blog. I have little to add except to say that the bath brush is going to be used much more often. It is loud but we are now living in the country and it doesn't matter as much. His bottom looked like two red apples in his punishment panties. The other thing to mention is that while elliot seems to think I am using full strokes with the cane, in fact usually only the first half dozen at delivered with any serious force. Canes are finesse instruments: you can leave lovely, tight welts and perfect crosses without doing too much actual damage. Just make sure that you never "wrap" the cane or strike with the tip. The punishment panties actually give elliot some protection in case of errant strokes.

He asked for and took his punishment very gently and submissively. Sending him to his corner with his scorched bottom and my wet panties for company, I knew that he had learned his lesson and, as I sipped my coffee, I realized I had learned mine. Husbands, especially well trained, obedient, submissive husbands thrive on discipline. Neglect their correction or their maintenance and you are not treating them fairly. Yes, you can whip them hard as I whipped elliot today and hit a reset; but it is your own fault for not fulfilling your responsibility as a dominant wife.

Dominant Wife versus Pro Domme

There is a tendency to think that a dominant wife is somehow akin to a professional dominatrix. After all, both have men at their beck and call, both correct as necessary, both have an exposure to BDSM, both cater to the submissive needs of men...

Of course there are any number of differences but the most significant lies in the fact a dominant wife is dominant full time for a single, submissive, man, her husband, where as a pro domme is dominant in session with any number of men who may or may not be submissive. For the pro domme her paid for sessions are theatre. (I discuss this a little in my book "Questions for Miss Jay: An Escort's Guide to Style, Dates and Fun")

To be a successful dominatrix a girl needs to be a good actress and play with the tropes of the BDSM world. Whips, chains and improbably large dildos. Her clients will expect her to dress the part with the leather corset, black leather thigh high boots and all manner of high camp accessories. The key thing is that for an hour or two, a girl can dress and act as a professional dominatrix and make very good money indeed.

The dominant wife, on the other hand, is not playing a role. Rather she is leading her marriage in the way which she has decided she wants to lead it. She is not seeing a client, she is training, disciplining and enjoying her husband.

As I wrote earlier, I don't "dress up" to be a dominant wife. Why would I?

As it happens, elliot had visited professionals before he met me. It turns out that was not at all what he was looking for. Submissive husbands have a particular itch and two hours with a pro domme just makes it itch harder.

A female led marriage meets the deep emotional needs of both the dominant wife and her submissive husband; but it meets them in "real life". While I certainly have fun with official holidays the essence of my marriage is that the man I love loves and obeys me. Whether I am wearing jeans and a crisp white shirt or a pretty dress and hose, I expect elliot to do as he is told.

Female led relationships can, of course, include all sorts of elements which are present in a pro domme session; but they also include day to day marital routine. Plus, if all goes well, they will create a sexual tension which is often missing from more conventional marriages. A husband with his cock in a cage is a very, very attentive man.

As he should be.

Even More Advice to a Young Wife - on Weddings

If you watch happily married couples there is, in even the most "equal" marriage, a dominant partner. It can be very subtle - and should be - but either the husband or the wife makes most of the decisions with the loving consent of his or her partner. And, truth to tell, in the majority of the happy marriages I have seen, the dominant partner is the wife.

Of course, clever women rarely display their dominance. They don't need to and, strategically, it is often a mistake to make a public display of your husband's submission. (Though it can be great fun to show off your control to select girlfriends.) But the elegant exercise of power is based on a decision which a young wife makes usually well before she is actually married. I fear a lot of young women make serious mistakes before they marry which can take years to correct.

Start as you mean to finish!

While it is great fun to date and have sex with assorted unsuitable men when you decide you are going to get married the rules change, or at least they should. While you will almost certainly not be a virgin on your wedding night, if you have managed your engagement properly, your new husband will not have ever had the opportunity to be fully intimate with you. In fact, if you are serious about having a female led relationship, it is very unlikely he will have seen you undressed before your wedding night.

The logic of this is straightforward: female dominance begins when a woman takes charge of her husband to be's sexuality. When you are courting - and what a wonderfully old fashioned concept that is - the clever young wife makes it very clear that the final fulfilment of his desires is at her command. If he does not like this arrangement there are plenty of fish in the sea. At about the third date, when, sadly, modern men think it is about time to get between the sheets, an elegant girl will explain the rules to her potential husband: lots of fun but no intercourse. (I am of two minds as to whether, over a long engagement, the 1950's standby of a skillful hand job is acceptable. It can certainly relieve the unbearable urge and, done with a degree of distain, keep him in his place; but it sends a signal that his urges matter. I am not sure that is a signal a girl wants to send especially if she plans to have a one sexuality marriage.)

The key thing before your wedding day is to establish, beyond question, that you are in charge of the bedroom. Which is where those flings with unsuitable boys comes in handy because, unlike the virgin brides of yesteryear you will have discovered exactly what you like in bed.

As you prepare for your wedding, whether an intimate ceremony with a few friends or the full scale 400 guest extravaganza, you will have plenty of opportunities to start your husband's training. Remember that the secret of an elegant dominant wife is that she makes a point of telling rather than asking. The hundreds of details which go into even the smallest wedding offer you infinite variety of tasks to set your future husband. From fetching your bridesmaids' dresses to serving cocktails at the pre-party for your girls night, your husband should expect to be at your beck and call. And you should make it clear that he is expected to do as he's told. (In actual fact grooms are really at loose ends at weddings - they have to be dressed as you tell them to be and show up, showered, shaved and ready a few minutes before the ceremony. How hard can it be? By giving your groom lots to do you are actually making his role more meaningful.)

Your wedding night is your wedding night. The chances are you will both be exhausted by the days' activities. While it is certainly a wonderful idea to have something wonderfully slinky to wear to bed, this is an excellent point to drive home your position. No doubt your husband will be champing at the bit and, if you are in the mood, it is sometimes quicker and easier just to take him there and then. But even if you opt for that route, make sure that you control the pacing and activities. Now is an excellent time to acquaint him with his primary sexual use - learning to lick your pussy expertly. Don't be afraid to guide him. You know how you like to be licked and you know whether you enjoy a finger or two here and there. Tell him. And, when you are either satisfied or wet enough, have him flip on his back and mount him. The beauty of keeping him largely chaste through your courtship is that, on your wedding night, he'll explode in a few strokes. At which point the night is over for him. It maybe over for you as well. Or you may decide to put him back to work on your pussy or tell him to fetch a favourite vibrator.

The most important thing he will learn on your wedding night is that you are in charge in the bedroom. This may come as a surprise but it will almost certainly come as a relief. Now he knows who he has to please. Men, at the least the ones worth marrying, are terrifically goal oriented. On your wedding night you will set his goal - your pleasure. He will be ever so grateful.

The Dominant Wife's Valentines Day

Here's a safe bet, my darling elliot will not be taking me to see 50 Shades of Grey. And not for the obvious reason that it is not a game I am interested in - in fact I have been know to switch - rather because it misses much of the point of a dominant/submissive relationship. Namely that there is a relationship before the D/S kicks in.

I am also pretty sure that my darling will not be picking me up any shopping mall tacky sexy lingerie although I might get him a version of this wonderfully tacky nightie and panty set...

In fact we'll celebrate St. Valentines Day with my favorite things. A fabulous dress, pretty fully fashioned stockings and lots of smoked salmon and champagne. Then a simple, so easy elliot can cook it, steak and bearnaise sauce with fresh green beans and new potatoes dinner. A glass or two of excellent red wine, a little dark chocolate for desert...

Perfect. Then off to bed where I may or may not unlock elliot (link is very not safe for work with his little cockette trying to get hard in his cage. Like any other night we'll see what I am in the mood for. I suspect I will definitely in the mood for elliot's loving oral attentions. He really is getting very good at pleasing me with his tongue. And then, in my lover's arms, utterly satisfied and more than a little content, I'll fall asleep: The Lady of the House.

Lock Him Up

I must admit I was skeptical when I first started reading about physical male chastity. As a dominant wife I did, of course, control elliot's orgasms. I had spent a good deal of time working to ensure that he only came when he had permission and, as importantly, when I was pinching his nipple good and hard between my nails. I had him to the point where he could pull on his little cockette, get very hard but without the nipple pinch he'd just stay on edge. So, I thought, why would I bother putting his little cock in a cage?

Well, after keeping him caged most of January, I can safely say that I will never be without a chastity cage again. This is a marvellous invention. It provides a level of elegant, demure wifely control which I had never experienced before.

In the beginning I was a little concerned that it would focus all together too much attention on elliot's little willy but, in fact, once he's locked up I simply never think about his cockette. Of course, once in a while I like to feel him in me; but, honestly, more and more I prefer his well trained tongue and my lovely vibrator. So clicking the padlock closed just takes a distraction away from elliot.

The cage I got for elliot is a soft construction silicone male chastity device. I didn't realize it at the time but this chastity is exceptionally comfortable. I got the short cage as that is really all elliot needs but a better endowed husband can be caged in a normal or even long cage. There may be a breaking in period where your husband only wears his cage a few hours at a time. But, soon enough, you'll be able to lock him up for days or weeks at a time. (I am looking at CB6000S which has a hard case and would be less comfortable as a punishment device but I am not sure I want elliot's enforced chastity to be a punishment.)

Once elliot is locked in our lives continue in exactly the same way. He has his corner time and his duties and he is whipped for both maintenance and punishment; but now he has no control at all over his cock. He has to take his tiny dose of viagra as usual and so he has a quite uncomfortable morning erection which is pretty regular at about 7:30 when he has to get up and make my tea in any case. He may have other erections during the day, I don't know and don't actually care. I often tease him a little at cocktail hour and I will, occasionally, lift his nightie and stroke him erect before I go to sleep. But he knows once he is locked in he'll stay that way for some time. I don't even keep the key in the bedroom so it takes a bit of planning if I want his cockette for some reason.

Once in a while I have him strip off after some cornertime and with a little lube, I'll push his prostate milking vibrator up his bottom and let him drain into some tissue. But not too often. I like him to be full, completely on edge.

So, ladies, quick as you can....lock up your husbands. You'll be glad you did and he'll be humbly grateful.

Dressing

How should a dominant wife dress?

The simple answer is, "Any way which suits her."

In fact there is an entire style which has grown up around the idea of dominant women. It is a projection of a different world from the dominant wife.

The sad truth is that there are many more submissive men than there are true dominant women. Demand has created supply and there are women who, for a fee, will put a gentlemen through his paces. Professional dominants have a couple of hours in which to evoke the feelings of submission that their clients crave. Which means they often use props and costumes to create a mood. Whips, chains, a dark "dungeon" and, of course, the leather and boots which signify the pro domme. Now, not every professional dominant uses these props but it is a relatively easy way for a professional to cut to the heart of their clients' fantasies. And nothing wrong with that. But it is not at all my cup of tea.

A female led marriage is not a fantasy - it is a day to day commitment to a certain way of conducting a marriage. And, of course, a marriage is not all corner time and canings. In fact, most of the time a FLR is indistinguishable from a more vanilla arrangement.

So I really do dress to please myself and to take on my regular role as Lady of the House. Yes, I do have corsets - several and two custom made. But, practically, I wear my corsets as a treat once in a while. (And yes elliot gets very hard when he laces me in...all the better.) And I love my vintage foundations and gorgeous lingerie - but long before I took the lead in our marriage I loved all those pretty things.

My style has always been classic, vintage with a few good designer pieces and pretty bags, boots and shoes. I like to wear dresses or skirts and I like the hem to be mid-calf. If I do say so myself, I have lovely legs but I think ladies should leave much to the imagination.

While I don't consciously dress as a dominant woman, I do dress as a lady and, with the right attitude, that is much the same thing. Simply by having nice, feminine clothes, avoiding abominations like Lululemon outside the yoga studio and sweats outside the gym, I project a good deal of power. Women who dress with a bit of style find they get much better service and a good deal more respect.

A little makeup, a great lipstick (here's my current, incredibly cheap, favourite), a nice haircut and you look finished and well groomed when you are out in the world.

Yes, I do wear stockings, often seamed, with my outfits. I love the feel of really fine hose and I love the look of a finished leg. And what is the point of stockings if they are not securely held in place with a flattering open bottomed girdle. These underpinnings with a pleated skirt or a snug knit dress mean that I feel beautifully dressed.

When I feel beautifully dressed I also feel terrifically confident. I am in charge, every inch the Lady of the House.