I don't get this question often but it is an interesting one:
As a young, happily single, woman can I bring elements of female dominance into my dating life?
The answer is, of course, you can. But that raises a host of questions about how? And then questions about "what"? And then, when you think about it for a moment, the question "Why?" is going to really determine how you proceed.
Through Mady I am lucky enough to know several very much younger women. Some of them are lesbian by inclination but four or five prefer, or would prefer, to date men. Sexually, most of these women are experienced but not tremendously so.
Over the summer we had two "girls weekends" when Mady invited a couple of her friends up to our house and elliot was put to work keeping the wine glasses topped up and the canapes coming. (He has far too much fun serving four women and, as the weekend goes on, serving them in increasingly intimate and somewhat humiliating ways. The girls know we have a female-led household but it takes a little while for them to understand the full implications of this. Mady and I carry on as we usually do. The only significant difference is that while elliot is usually uncaged during the summer, I
lock up his little cock in a cute pink cage for the weekend. The girls can ask for the keys as required.)
The conversation often touches on the sheer frustration these girls are experiencing out in the dating world. They find a decent guy, go out a few times, maybe sleep with him and find themselves "ghosted". Or they discover that the perfect gentleman of date two turns into a full-on sexual predator by date four. Or they can't manage to land a date with a particular man they are interested in. It is very much the sort of conversation I had with my girlfriends a generation ago.
If asked, and I always wait to be asked, I am happy to offer advice.
"There are two ways for a woman to present herself in the world," I'd say. "She can try to please that world or she can assume that it is the world's duty to please her. Of course, the third option is to join "Pantsuit Nation" and largely give up on actually being a woman in any interesting sense of the word."
Before the girls come up for the weekend I encourage them to read a couple of my books:
Avails: Escorting for the Elegant Woman and
Modern Mistress: Lead the Luxury Life You Deserve. For younger women - the Sugar Baby generation - both books are a revelation. The very idea that a woman by dressing elegantly, having very high standards and an enthusiastic approach to sex can make a very good living or be kept in high style is a surprise. And it underscores something I think is very important for women, especially young women, to understand: women hold all the cards. The question is how a particular woman will play them.
For a young woman deciding that she will, implicitly at first, explicitly as her confidence grows, be in charge of her dating life is the crucial first step in developing a female-led relationship strategy. If you take a look at the picture accompanying this note, you see a healthy, strong, slightly remote, young woman who will turn heads where ever she goes. But note how simple her suit is, how plain her clutch is. What makes the outfit, however, are the black leather gloves. If ever there was an outfit which said, "I'm in charge, you'll please me and do what you are told." it's this one.
Everything from a girl's bearing and gait, to her choice in lingerie to how she deploys her makeup will send signals. Her choices, long before she walks into a classroom or an office or a concert, will narrow the range of men who are likely to approach her.
"The last thing an intelligent, elegant, woman wants is a sub-par man," I tell the girls. "You should be looking for men who excel, who lead interesting lives, who enjoy a degree of success. Dating - which I strongly recommend - is a wonderful dance where a woman has the opportunity to get to know a man, well, men really. And then make a judgement. Is this man worthy of serious attention or should I enjoy his company and his money knowing there is no future?"
A young lady who embraces her own superiority as a woman will be a refreshing change for most of the alpha males who are confident enough to approach her. And, lucky them, if the young lady likes what she sees, she may encourage that male to get in touch. Or, and this is often best, she may simply ask him for his card and personal number without giving him more than her first name.
At that point she can begin to play a little. Dress well and phone him to tell him to meet her for a drink a block away from his office. Note the word, "tell". A smart girl begins the way she means to finish. This sort of "take charge" attitude will put the girl outside virtually all of her man's previous encounters with dateable women. And when, after a single drink, she says, "You can take me to dinner next Monday. I will meet you here at six," his response will tell her whether he is potentially going to work out as a submissive partner.
Now, as I have always said about elliot, I wanted and have a very alpha man. That he is submissive to me and in our home and, frankly, in public, in no way means he is the least bit wimpy or wishy-washy in business. He would not be a successful as he is were he anything but a pack leader at work. No smart young woman confuses a man's submission to her, his obedience, with any sort of a lack of spine. She wants the man who she will eventually keep in chastity, whip regularly and humiliate routinely, to be worth her attention.
It is usually at about this point that one of my guests will say, as the penny drops, "Well isn't this very much like the way our grandmothers dated in the 1950's?"
Indeed. Back in the 1950's a girl knew she had a good deal of value and was more than willing to spend a few years enjoying the attentions of suitable young men (and often some rather older ones with a bit more money as well.) These young women did not see hopping into bed at the end of the second date as required or, in fact, as anything other than more than a little slutty. There were plenty of arousing activities which stopped well short of intercourse which would keep a young man dancing attendance.
So, for a modern young lady who wants to, the first step towards a FLR dating situation is to take charge right from the go. Then, as a possible suitor takes her out on dates, she is able to combine a pleasing degree of strictness with plenty of sexual teasing. What she is trying to do is see if a particular man is, in fact, essentially submissive. While it will be many dates before she takes him over her lap for a good
bath brush correction, by the third or fourth date she will certainly be telling her young man that if he misbehaves he will be going over her knee.
Simply mentioning the prospect of physical correction will often give the girl the information she needs. If her young man brings it up on the next date this is a very good indication that being punished by the girl he loves is interesting.
As I told the girls, there are dozens of things a girl can and should do to see if a man is suitable. One which is always fun is to have him hold and then carry not only your shopping but your handbag. Another, a little further down the road, is to handcuff him - and for heaven's sake use
good handcuffs, not toys - slip off your panties and tell him to "Get to work." Some men will baulk, in which case they will not be invited back, but most men in my experience will thoroughly enjoy giving you your pleasure. Of course, they will often expect a girl to "reciprocate". An expectation sensible girls entirely ignore.
So, yes, you most certainly can take the lead in a dating relationship. Best of all, you can make it clear to the men you are dating that you are dating and comparing other men. Men love competition. With your contemporaries, it makes sense to make it very clear that you are, with no particular urgency, planning to marry.
Now, with older admirers, that is the very last thing they want to hear. Instead, make it clear to them that they exist to ensure you have the nice things like
silk chemises, real silk stockings, a
really good vibrator and the pampering you deserve. Wonderful food, the occasional short vacation and what Holly Golightly referred to as "Powder Room Money" are all to be expected. Nice things in blue boxes never go amiss.
A girl can be just as in charge with a man old enough to be her father as with a younger man. Those handcuffs will come in handy. But with older men, a girl does not have to be quite as stingy with her favours and good behaviour and really wonderful presents can be the occasion for a controlled ejaculation. The dynamic is very different.
I'll return to the subject another day. But, right now, it is cocktail hour and I'd hate to be late.
