What is Leading in an FLR?

It may seem obvious, but a question which comes up is:

What is Leading in an FLR?

When a couple commits to a female led relationship the gentleman is simply accepting his position and agreeing to do what he is told. Usually he will also be accepting his wife or girlfriend's right to discipline him and, in many cases, her complete control over his sexual life (whether he's put in a cock cage or not). But what is the wife's commitment?

In a very real sense, before a woman decides she wants a FLR she needs to consider what she expects and how she expects to get it. Every woman will have different goals for her marriage. And every woman will have different expectations for her husband. There are, however, some common themes which run through the FLR world. For a woman to lead in her marriage she should consider at least a few of these themes as she develops as the head of her household.

The first of these themes is a view of men in general and her man in particular. Submissive men range from the very weak, differential, often effeminate, sissy boy types all the way through to the strong, hyper-masculine, take charge alphas. Different women like different types of man and a dominant woman is just as likely to find an alpha with submissive tendencies as she is to deal with the needs of a sissy boy. However, sissy, beta or alpha, submissive men share one trait in common; they are happiest in the service of a strong, demanding, dominant woman.

When a woman takes charge of her marriage (or of her boyfriend before marriage) she is essentially taking on the responsibility of guiding, training and conditioning her particular man to fulfil her desires and cater to her tastes. Genuinely submissive men - as any dominant woman will tell you - out number dominant women by at least a factor of ten (likely a factor of a hundred). Which means a woman who accepts her dominant nature is spoilt for choice. However, my impression is that many, if not most, FLR's evolve from essentially vanilla marriages in which a wife finds herself married to a man who is submissive but whose submissiveness was not a part of the original marriage bargain.

For every formal FLR, there are dozens of marriages in which a naturally dominant woman "wears the pants" and there is a rich tradition of the "hen-pecked" or "pussy whipped" husband. Women exercise a natural dominance in the home and men have usually been conditioned by their mothers to accept the female voice as the authoritative voice as soon as they come through the front door. These, informal, Female Led Relationships can work very well and can last for years without any express male submission. In fact, in my experience, in the majority of seemingly conventional marriages the actual head of household is the wife. "Honey Do" lists reflect the natural order of conventional marriages.

When a woman decides to take explicit charge of her marriage she'll often find her life is a good deal easier. Getting men to do as they are told when there is a pretense of equality in a marriage is often difficult and women often find themselves resorting to psychology, sexual bribery and plain old scolding simply to get their man to do what he obviously should do. Even the most submissive man, in a supposedly "equal" marriage will baulk at taking orders from his wife which, in turn, means, that the wife has to phrase her instructions in the form of requests or suggestions. "I think it would be a good idea for you to lose ten pounds," creates all sorts of opportunities for backchat. It is so much easier to say, "With the holidays coming up you're going to lose ten pounds. We'll start right now. You can take yourself and the dog for an hour long walk." No suggestion, no request, no negotiation and no backchat.

Men, generally, respond better to clear instructions. Orders if you like. But women are socialized away from the idea that they can give orders. Especially to men they love. One of the first steps towards leading in an FLR is for a dominant woman to tell her husband what to do and to expect him to do what he is told.

It can be a little strange at first, but the best way to approach it is to recognize that submissive men, even well trained ones, are essentially little boys at heart. They want to be told what to do by a strong, assertive woman and they want to know that there will be consequences if they do not do exactly what they are told immediately. 

Consequences are as important as clear instructions. Disobedience must be punished...either immediately or when it is convenient for the wife. I carry a rather lovely, men's wooden backed, hairbrush in my handbag. If elliot steps out of line I am quite capable of finding a convenient ladies room or dressing room and walloping him. It is quite a narrow brush so less noisy and more painful than a broader brush would be. But I am not at all worried about the sound. I prefer privacy, not for elliot's sake but for the poor women who might walk in on my sweet man with his trousers around his ankles. 

While punishment for behaviour is important, and even more important element of leadership in an FLR, is what I call conditioning. A man has to be taught his place and he must be reminded of it constantly. Whether you make your alpha hubby wear a bra and girdle under his suit or put a bit of weight on his testicles, or dress your sissy hubby up as a maid to serve you, submissive men need and like to be reminded of their position. The more they are reminded to more they realize their submission is what they have been looking for - in many cases, all their lives.

Finally, there is training. For a dominant wife "training" can take many forms. However, in my view, training is as essential as chastity for a loving, submissive, husband. This is because when you are training a man you are paying attention to him and, like a puppy, a husband loves attention. 

Taking leadership in your marriage or relationship means setting goals and standards and then using a mixture of instruction, punishment and reward to ensure that your man meets your expectations. To take a simple example, a man can and perhaps should be trained to pamper his wife. Telling him to run you a bath after dinner is easy. Of course you have to teach him how you like your bath, the temperature, bath oils or bubbles, which soap you prefer, how he is expected to rinse out the tub when you are done, where to put your damp towel and where to hang your robe. But once you have shown him once the next time you want a bath you simply tell him. Then you pay attention to how well he does. The first bath you have after he has been taught there may be a few issues but, seriously, how hard can it be? So, from that point forward, he'll be expected to get it all exactly right. The wrong soap? Water temperature incorrect, towel not neatly hung to dry? Well that is why we have shower brushes conveniently located very near the bath.

Men can and should be trained to do everything from the vacuuming to the dishes to your hand washing and your manicure. Needless to say, the same high standards and immediate punishment for failure to follow instructions are just as important in other routine tasks. And, of course, your husband needs to be trained to provide you with your own private sexual pleasure. As with anything, practice will make perfect and you should give him plenty of practice. However, even when he is between your legs, he needs to be very aware that his performance is being held to a high standard. If you feel he has not done his best, there is nothing at all wrong with sending him to his corner for a while or giving him a good caning to demonstrate your displeasure. He'll do better. Much better.

At the same time, rewarding your husband for a job well done is also a part of training him. If he is in chastity you might set up a little system where he can accumulate points and is allowed to ejaculate when he reaches a target. Putting up a chart on the fridge door with gold stars but without any labels might be fun. I enjoyed one couple's system using nothing fancier than "Go" pieces. He got a three black stones for every mistake or transgression and he got one white stone for each "reward" including any really excellent orgasms she decided were worthy. But the brilliance of the system was that it dictated both his punishments and his rewards. When he had accumulated twenty black stones would get that number of strokes from her cane or paddle that day. Twenty white stones and he was let out of his chastity and allowed three minutes to masturbate. However, she had really made it nicely balanced with two additional rules: once he reached twenty black stones he could postpone his whipping by paying a white piece a day and he could reduce the number of strokes he'd be given by paying a white stone for each forgone stroke. Good could redeem evil.