Wife on Top

Regular readers on this blog will have noticed that I have published a number of letters from women who have taken charge of their marriage.

Wife on Top is a collection of those letters in one Kindle ebook published today.

Publication of Wife on Top clears the deck for my own book on how to have a female led relationship, how to be a dominant wife and how best to subjugate and discipline a boyfriend or husband.

What I have been finding as I read and spend time on the internet is that the basic concepts of female leadership in marriage, the need to discipline and correct husbands, the desirability of male chastity and ejaculation control, are all becoming more mainstream. It is subtle but many women have realized that mere equality does not work for them, at least no in marriage. Instead, the overt submission of a fiance or eventual husband has become the new gold standard.

This is particularly true in the bedroom where more and more women are demanding their right to sexual gratification in preference to their husband's base urges. More and more women are locking down their husband's cocks  and adopting the principles of a single, female, cycle driven, sexuality for their marriage.

The stories in Wife on Top are meant to guide and inspire wives as they asset their feminine authority and husbands as they accept their need to submit and obey.

Being Available

A commentator in the last post wrote:

"How can I earn a life to be spanked and pegged by a strict dominant woman who will make me submit to her rules and regulations?"

It is a question which comes up regularly and I think it is worth answering. I did so in the comments but I want to expand my answer a bit here.

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Assuming that you are serious a couple of points: begin with being a gentleman to all the women in your life and all the women you meet. Good old fashioned manners will go a long way towards attracting an interesting woman.

Meeting women is not terribly difficult. Meeting the right women is. You are very unlikely to meet the right sort of woman in a bar or a club, much more likely to meet one at a book sale or in a vintage clothing shop. A compliment - "what a lovely coat" - gets the ball rolling. Be very polite and very deferential. "Might I join you for a coffee when you have a bit of spare time?" leave the decision with the woman where it belongs. 

Now, a real gentleman will have a personal - not business - card with just his name, email address and phone number. Making a nice presentation, with a little bow, to give a lady your card will, I will virtually guarantee, be something which has never happened to her before and therefore make you more interesting than most of the men she meets. Plus, your bow will already, suggest your submissiveness. Not a bad way to begin. 

Second, in your interactions with women generally and eligible women in particular, go out of your way to demonstrate your obedience and submission. No, don't fall to your knees...but do as you are told and saying "Yes, Miss." will surprise and delight most women.

Again, as you are meeting women, look for opportunities to serve. For example, if you have struck up a conversation in a vintage clothing shop, there is no reason not to offer to hold the clothes she is going to try on while she is in the changing room. (On a second visit, when you know each other a little and she realizes she can trust you, offering to carry her bag while she goes through the racks and also offering to carry her selections, is a lovely way to introduce any woman to the pleasures of a submissive, obedient man.)

Third, while you will likely ask any number of unsuitable women out understand that it is a submissive male's duty to make the effort. After all, unsuitable or not, girls need nice breaks whether it is for coffee or lunch or dinner. And you always pay. If she demurs, well, wait to be told what to do. But make sure you make the first move. It is the only first move a submissive man should make. Everything else, from whether to see each other again to physical intimacy to which movie to see is up to the woman. Of course, you can suggest going to dinner or to a movie but she decides where or what to see.

Fourth, if, as dates sometimes do, a woman seems interested in intimacy, make sure you let her take the lead. Especially if you are lucky enough to be invited to her bed. Your only reason to be there is her pleasure so do as you are told. Your pleasures and urges simply do not matter. (Note: if you have pleasured a woman properly and she suggests reciprocation, you need to make it clear that she has no obligation at all to attend to your needs. If she suggests a blow job after you have licked her to completion, suggest giving her a nice backrub instead.) 

Some women will love being in charge in the bedroom and that is a very good sign as to their eventual willingness to take charge of the relationship. At the same time, many women are very used to the man taking the initiative. A good way to get past this is to explain that, in these #metoo days it is very important to you to know that any physical intimacy is at her initiation. "You tell me what you want me to do."

After a few encounters, she'll realize that you are really there entirely for her pleasure and at her direction. If she is comfortable with that you are ready to move on to the hard part.

Finally, with her permission, tell her about your desires. Be prepared for her to be a little shocked, or not, but you need to be totally honest. But you do not have to be all that blunt. For example, when something goes a little bit wrong, saying something like, "I really deserve a good spanking for forgetting to put water in with the flowers" opens up the whole spanking question. Pegging is a little different as you'll have to open up the question, "I wish I could feel you in me" and then actually get all the apparatus.

Women are generally caregivers and once she understands that you need a good whipping from time to time and that you feel more comfortable and secure having been taken anally, you would be amazed at how willing many women are to meet your needs. 

Of course, and this should go without saying, you need to be all the man you can be. Working hard, earning, staying in shape and alive to the world. Part of finding the woman you want and need is being the man she will want and need. It sounds basic, but good grooming, nice clothes, good shoes and an elegant - but not needlessly expensive - watch. 

Remember, long before the discipline and the pegging and whatever else you need, the reality is that you have to enjoy the woman who will be in charge and, more importantly, she must enjoy you.

Good luck!!

Drained

I get more than a few letters and some offer wonderful insight into female led relationships. I thought this letter from "Cindy" in Canada was an interesting take on an alternative to male chastity.

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Dear Hannah,

I have read with great interest your posts on male chastity both on the honour system and using a male chastity device. I completely agree that a properly disciplined man should not be able to ejaculate without his wife's permission but I have an alternative to chastity.

I should begin by saying that we are a younger couple, very outdoorsy, into fitness and our careers. My husband, Robbie, has a high stress job and I discovered, early in our courtship, a very high sex drive. He likes sex a lot. So do I, but not nearly as much as Robbie.

Even before we were married I realized that this could be a problem and I looked around for solutions. In general, we are equal partners in our marriage which is how I prefer it. At the same time, Robbie needs to be able to come home from work and not have to make many decisions. In fact, he is rather naturally obedient and prefers to be told what to do. Which is fine by me as I like to be a bit bossy and I don't like back chat. I suppose you could say that we have a female led marriage but mainly we have a marriage where I am in charge and Robbie does what he is told.

If he doesn't he knows I am not at all shy about sending him to our room for a time out or getting out the shower brush - and how he hates the shower brush - and punishing his tight little bottom hard. But that does not happen often.

In the bedroom, I am absolutely in charge and have been since we first had sex well before we were married.

The trouble was that Robbie was so highly sexed that from about our third date he was pushing for sex. I realized that this was just his nature and that if we were going to have a successful marriage I would have to come up with a way of handling that.

Sometimes giving a man what he wants works very well and on our fifth date I invited Robbie into my apartment. He thought he was there to have sex and was incredibly excited. His lovely cock was totally erect coming in the door. I sat on my couch and he was getting ready to sit beside me.

"No, Robbie," I said pointing to a spot a couple of feet in front of me. "I want you to stand right there."

He did what he was told.

"Now, dear man, I think we are doing beautifully as a couple," I said. "You are kind, gentle, funny and you seem to be falling in love. But you are way too pushy about sex. I love being made love to but I am not going to be pressured into it. So you are just going to have to wait."

Robbie shrugged, mumbled "OK" and made a move towards the couch.

"Where do you think you're going. I told you to stand where you are. I am not done yet," I said with a little edge in my voice. "Right now I want to watch you ejaculate. Here's a tissue. Now get cracking."

Yes, it was a bit of a high risk move. He could have refused or tried to swing me around but my read of Robbie was he'd do what he was told. I was right. In a moment or two his rather large cock was out of his pants.

"Well, get on with it," I said savouring his obedience. "Just like you do at home."

Robbie got to work and in not more than a couple of minutes his cockhead turned that amazing purple colour men's cocks sometimes do and he ejaculated. I realized I'd have to get bigger tissues.

"Very good, Robbie," I said. "And good boys get treats."

I unbuttoned my blouse and unclipped my bra. "You can come over here and suck on my pretty nipples for a little while. Just leave your cock out. You are not finished."

About five minutes later, Robbie having demonstrated that he needed a bit of work on his nipple technique, I could see that his cock was getting hard again.

"Stand in front of me Robbie," I said leaving my breasts on display. "You obviously like my pretty nipples. Which is wonderful. Now I want you to ejaculate again for me. Get to work. And when you are done I want you to put your cock away, kiss me good night and go home. Without a word."

He did as he was told, made a mess on his tissue, kissed me and left silently.

Perfect.

The next morning, quite early, I texted him. "Thank you for a wonderful evening. Now, in your shower, I want you to think about my pretty nipples and ejaculate."

I sent him another text when I knew he was taking lunch. "Go to the washroom and make your little mess."

We were meeting for drinks after work and my sweet Robbie was positively glowing when I sat down.

"You are the sexiest woman I have ever met," he said with a smile. And here's the thing, he had stood up when I came to the table and he made it clear he was waiting for my permission to sit back down. Which I gave with a nod.

We have not looked back. I am totally in charge of his ejaculations. Three or four or sometimes five or six a day. I'll tell him or text him and sometimes I will demand a little video of his performance. Of course, when I want to have sex, I taper him off a little so he is extra eager. I've also trained him never to come in me without asking my permission and he knows I will often deny that permission.

The fact is that his cock is as entirely under my control as if it was in a cock cage. Which is what matters to me. And, of course, if I am busy or forget, well he knows that any ejaculation without my supervision and instruction and the shower brush will be bruising his bottom. I swing hard.

So, there you go. There really is more than one way to control a cock and the man it is attached to.

Hugs,

Cindy

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Dear Cindy,

How clever of you. It really is all about control. An obedient husband should not need a cage, though they are rather fun. But I love the idea of giving an oversexed man what he wants, good and hard.

Enjoy!

Hannah

Ending the sexual barter system

A number of people wrote me to ask about "Locked-In Love" a book I recommended in my last post and, particularly, about what the author identified as the sexual barter system which underlay his marriage.

Here's how the author described it:

"Through chastity and communication, they identified a sexual trade-off that existed in their marriage, a 'barter system' wherein every action he engaged in had an undercurrent of sexual pressure, a literal tat-for-tit. Freed from it through a chastity device, they were able to enjoy each other on a more meaningful and trusting level. And in lowering the quantity of sex, they raised the quality."

The book is well worth reading for couples curious about male chastity but, of course, it is written from the male perspective. I thought a note on the female perspective might be interesting.

Sexual barter is as old as the hills and rests on a singular fact about the world: men are ready and eager to "go" all the time and women are sexually cyclical. Obviously, this is a generalization but it underlies everything from long term vanilla marriages through to the thriving escort industry. The discreet world of the kept woman, the wealthy man's mistress, is driven by this sexual mismatch. It is also the basis for the vast number of female led relationships and wifedom marriages. 

The idea of sexual barter is, in fact, at the heart of a great deal of what passes for romantic life. A man woos a woman and, if he is successful, she falls in love and becomes sexually available to him. Do they live happily ever after? Well, that depends.

Wives and girlfriends want their men to do certain things, behave in certain ways and, generally (though not often overtly) do what they are told. In even the most vanilla marriage wives will devise rewards and punishments to encourage certain behaviours and discourage others. More than one young wife has given her husband a quick blow job when he's cleaned up the yard or slipped into his favourite stockings and heels to signal her availability when he gets that promotion.

Men quickly learn that if they do what they are told they may receive treats. The trouble is that men will also quickly begin to take those treats for granted. If fact, unless a wife takes charge, most men will simply assume their efforts will always be rewarded. 

Now, the whole sexual barter mistake is often layered on top of a male belief that they also have the right to sex generally and that a wife has to accommodate their desires. Whether it is once a night or once a week, men somehow have the idea their rather instinctive sexuality should be deferred to. The fact this instinctual sexuality is driven by their baser natures and animal urges does not seem to bother them a bit.

Worse, from the time they are little girls, many women are taught that on the one hand, they need to be in control of the sexual situation and on the other, that they need to accept at least the sexual importunings of their husbands. What they are not taught and what is actually transgressive is the idea that their sexuality is cyclical, the very opposite of masculine and that within a successful relationship it is always the woman whose sexuality matters. 

Sexual bartering takes place when a woman satisfies a man when she, herself, is not at all in the mood. While it can be portrayed as "fun" or "spontaneous" it is actually a denial of how female sexuality works.

Now an escort or a mistress takes advantage of the fact men have unbearable urges and charges cash money to take care of those urges. While "decent women" are shocked by this sort of cash transaction I am inclined to think most girls should spend a bit of time as a mistress in their early twenties - if only there were enough wealthy men to go around.

In a marriage the cash nexus is, well, awkward. Your sweet husband may be supporting you or you may both work, but when he wants a blow job handing you a couple of hundred dollars, or even a couple of thousand, is not really how a marriage can or should work. 

So, how do you end the whole sexual barter game?

Whether a woman decides to lead her marriage or simply that her husband needs boundaries, sexual barter ends when she decides to put her needs first. It really is that simple. A single decision.

In practice, this means that for the few days a month a woman is very interested indeed her husband will be required to pleasure her. And she should put it exactly that way. She sets the pace, she enjoys her orgasms, she may or may not let him finish. Every woman is different and many enjoy some sex on the shoulders of the few days a month they are on heat. Which is wonderful and a bonus for their husband. However, for the rest of the month, sex is more a chore than a pleasure and a wise woman makes it very clear to her husband he is to stay well away.

It is upon this biological rock that the church of female supremacy and male subordination is founded. Now, how a woman constructs her marital sexual life is very much up to her.

Some women require their husband's chastity - either caged or on the honour system - when she is not interested in sex. This can work well with older husbands. With younger, randier, men it is not a bad idea to include supervised masturbation during that part of the month when sex is out of the question. The fact is that a younger man, unless firmly locked up, is going to masturbate. Far better that a wife keeps track of this habit and sets aside a few minutes every few days for her husband to humble himself in her presence. Not too often of course.

As I have written before discussing cocks,

"Men are remarkably proud of their ability to make little messes and if a wife can make her husband's masturbation something she controls - and this is easy as having him soil a tissue before he goes to work a couple of times a week becomes a ritual of control which he'll enjoy - then she is taking away his power to play with his cock as he feels like it. [Note: for men who would like their wives to be more dominant, proposing to your wife that you not be allowed to masturbate unsupervised will speed that process along without worrying your wife too much about the broader implications.)

Once a wife has taken control over her husband's ejaculations she has, for all intents and purposes, become the sexually dominant partner. The cock in the marriage has surrendered its autonomy. Where a wife goes from there is entirely up to her. She may want to leave the dynamic right there and enjoy the fruits of her acknowledged sexual superiority or she may want to extend the scope of her dominion."

Sexual barter only occurs where women allow it to. In a wife led marriage, both partners acknowledge that it is only her sexual needs, her pleasure, which matter. There is no room for "barter" because a well trained husband knows and accepts that he has no sexual rights at all. His erections, his ejaculations, are at her pleasure and at her direction.

Of course, it takes a little while for a husband to accept that his cock is no longer his own and here a chastity cage may prove an essential reminder. After all, a man in a chastity device is focused on his wife, not his cock, and that is how it should be.

Time Outs

shackles optional

Some dominant wives want servile, timid husbands who are entirely submissive all the time. Which is fine but, honestly, for me that would be pretty boring. I want elliot to be the smart, sassy man I married. Of course, I also want his instant obedience and his love and respect; but I married an alpha male and I have no intention of giving up the wonderful masculine traits that entails.

Keeping his cock in a cage is an assertion of my authority and the fact there is only one sexuality in our marriage, mine. His discipline, his physical training, his submission to both myself and my maid/companion Mady, his periodic confinement in his little room, are all designed to shape his character, not change it.

Which means, of course, that from time to time, my sweet elliot gets a little rambunctious. Very much the nature of the beast and I wouldn't have it any other way.

That said, there are lines he knows he cannot cross. One of them is backchat. He does not always remember this. There are other minor annoyances which, while they must be corrected, don't always call for the cane or shower brush. In fact, I would argue that dominant wives are wise to keep physical correction as a measured response for serious misbehaviour.

In my house, elliot (and sometimes, when she is naughty, Mady) know that minor infractions lead directly to a time out. Just a few minutes in a corner or locked in a closet. Corner time is a very effective "call to order" and can be imposed, literally anywhere. (Mady was a bit cheeky in a ladies shop the other day and I sent her into the changing room to stand in the corner. As she was going in she was going to close the door, "No, Mady, leave the door open." Part of corner time is the humiliation.)

Being locked in a convenient closet is a terrific "time out". Effectively, elliot is banished for a few minutes or even, an hour or two. For a man with an active mind and lots going on, the sheer boredom of standing or sitting in the dark is a very real punishment. So much so that he has actually asked me to cane him rather than giving him a closet time out. No luck with that request and it always adds fifteen minutes to his closet time.

Creative corrections ensure that elliot and Mady remember their places without losing the feistiness which makes my house such fun.

Finding Miss Right

I get this question a lot and I have discussed it with a number of dominant wives and other dominant women,

As a submissive male, how can I find a truly dominant wife?

It is actually a somewhat complicated question because it is rooted in a set of male assumptions which, frankly, do not map well onto the female experience.

Men, for complicated psychological reasons, are far more likely to develop sexual obsessions and fetishes than women are. And those fetishes and obsessions are often core elements of a man's personality. Women, on the other hand, may have well-integrated personality traits which may extend to their sexual world. They may also enjoy a particular "style" which also may extend into the bedroom (and maybe beyond.)

Unfortunately, a lot of men make the erroneous assumption that women obsess in the same way they do. That is almost never the case. So the likelihood of finding a woman who is naturally, sexually, dominant is relatively low. I am not saying it never happens, but it is rare. 

On a personal note, while I have always enjoyed being in charge, that was never an end in itself. Rather it was a means to an end which I have, I think, managed to obtain in my household. When I was younger and just exploring my own sexuality it really never dawned on me that a man would actually enjoy being told what to do in bed and elsewhere. And if you had told me I would routinely cane my loving husband and keep his cock locked in a cage, I would have laughed in your face. After all, what sort of man would put up with that sort of treatment and what sort of woman would even think of doing it? The answer, of course, is wonderful men and women just like me. But it took a while to figure that out.

The relative rarity of women who are, as it were, natural dominants makes things look grim for a submissive man looking for a wife. However, that is because that submissive man is seeing the world from a male point of view. From a female point of view a man who is loving, hard working, gentle and attentive automatically goes on the "husband" radar. And women know that all men, even the best men, have flaws, fetishes, needs which do not necessarily line up with the ideal. A decent man with a decent job, few bad habits who attends to his fitness and his grooming and is interesting and reasonable in bed and faithful looks very good as a girl sees thirty looming up.

Now, if several months into the relationship that very nice, very marriageable man tells his future

wife that he enjoys being a bit submissive or that he likes to be told to wear feminine clothing or that he enjoys being pegged, while it will cause a woman to reconsider, it is by no means a deal breaker in most cases. 

So, the question of finding a truly dominant wife actually resolves into a question of making yourself the sort of potential husband a woman would actually want regardless of your peccadillos. Even the least dominant girl will make an effort if the rest of the package is worth it.

All that said, a woman's experience before meeting a submissive potential husband may improve his chances. A girl who has been a mistress or a high end escort will tend to be more open to the needs of a submissive husband. But, to my surprise, at least three of the dominant wives I am in touch with were nurses. Which when I thought about a little made sense. After all, from a young age, nurses are trained to take charge. They are used to giving orders and they long since shed any shyness around naked men. Plus, and this can be important, they sometimes have to inflict pain to assist in treatment. A useful skill in a dominant wife.

In general, while it may seem like a shortcut, joining fetish meet-ups is not a great way to meet a wife. If you are looking for a good hard spanking it may be just the thing; but the women who get heavily involved in the fetish scene tend to have issues. Again, I generalize, but I have been surprised at how few dominant wives I know have any interest in that world. (I would say much the same thing about professional dommes; girls who are just in it for the money are not likely to make a life long commitment.)

As well as trying to become the best husband material you can, a submissive male looking for a wife should be very honest with himself about the sort of women he is actually attracted to. In particular, he should consider the question of style. Does he like very feminine women or outdoorsy girls or charter members of pantsuit nation? Does he have a strong preference as to body type or hair colour or any number of other dimensions of a woman's style? In an FLR, even more than in a conventional marriage, the wife's style is the only style which will matter.

A final point, men, simply by being gentlemen, having manners, being deferential to women in general, will find that they become more and more attractive to women - dominant or otherwise.

The fact is that women gain great satisfaction from caring about their husbands and their children. If a husband needs a special kind of care and his wife knows that it makes him happy and productive, chances are very good she'll make her wonderful husband's submission part of her marriage. Just as vanilla wives have been known to reward their husband with a long, lingering blow job, dominant wives will put him in his corner, let him wear a pretty nightie to bed and find plenty of excuses for disciplinary action.

Ultimately, most women actually run their marriages - all a submissive man is looking for is for that to become a bit more explicit. For most women that will not be a problem...not a problem at all once they get used to it.

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If you are thinking of  asking your wife to put you in your place, you may want to read a few of our books or buy a cock cage:

	You can order a cock cage for your husband or yourself at Amazon. I recomend starting with a relatively inexpensive silicone cage for fit and obedience training. Order here.
Books you might like:
The Art of the Maid Mady's Favourite Book
Dominant Woman  Feminine Superiority in Art
Obedient Husband Effortless Female Superiority in a Loving Marriage
See all our books at my Amazon Author Page here Remember Amazon Prime Customers and Books Unlimited Customers can down load all my books FREE

A Question about Cocks

I have had a lot of questions of the form,

What is the role of the cock in a female led relationship?

Tempting as it is to say that the very point of a female led relationship is that the cock has no role, the facts are quite otherwise. In fact, it is the training and subjugation of the cock and the man attached to it which is the focus of a dominant wife. How this is accomplished is a matter of style more than anything else but some basic concepts need to be top of the mind.

There are certainly some female led relationships in which a husband is turned into a fully feminized slave and while this does not appeal to me, it certainly has its advocates.  The whole gendre of transvestite transformation stories, Husband to Sissy for example have a wide readership. And there are plenty of tales of husbands who become slaves to their wives, I enjoyed Molly Sands trilogy, Stern. But here is the thing, most women, especially dominant women, do not want their husbands to be sissys or slaves; rather they want to have control over strong, masculine, admirable men.

It is a bit of a paradox. To dominate a soy boi, beta male might be fun for a day or two but it is not really challenging nor is it going to be very satisfying to bend a wimp to your will. At least I don't think so. When I tell elliot he has to wear a bra and girdle for a few days I know that he is torn between his masculine identity and his obedience to me. Over the years he has learned that submission is always better for him but that does not mean he likes having to wear pretty lingerie or lip gloss.

Which brings us around to the role of the cock in a female led relationship. A man's cock and the sexual desire it embodies is the key to controlling his attention, affection and sense of submission.  There is a saying, "I have the pussy so I make the rules," but, in fact, those rules are all predicated on a man's endless desire to gain some sort of access, no matter how indirect, to that pussy. If he is not interested he is not going to follow any of the rules.

Dominant women - and, really all women - are often astonished to discover how much time men spend pre-occupied with sex. Younger men will spend hours on porn sites, in bars, in clubs and online trying to find a girl or a fantasy, but older men are just as preoccupied even if they are not actually leaking sperm half the time. If a woman is able to control and then redirect that pre-occupation she is well on the way to leading her marriage or relationship.

Men are very basic. From the time they were little they were able to first play with and latter masturbate their cocks. As young men they had few restraints on the momentary pleasure their cocks could give whether with the delighted co-operation of a young lady or by taking matters into their own hands. I've know young, intelligent men who ejaculated five or six times a day. Bonobo monkeys and twenty two year old men have about the same sex drive.

An argument can be made that the arc of human history has been determined by the fact that female sexuality is cyclical with only a few days a month of peak sexual desire while male sexuality is continuous, always on and if a civil society is the objective, in need of firm control.

In the mythology of the Old West the saloon girls and whores advanced with the frontier but it was the school marm and the wives who closed that same frontier. (This, by the way, is why I have an abiding interest in Money Sex (a book which is free at Amazon at the moment).) What the wives and school marms actually did was change the dynamic so that, instead of paying for sex on a transactional basis, men who married could have sex in exchange for "providing" and for being decent members of their community.

In a sense, women have been making that bargain since the beginning of time and in every instance, a wife or girlfriend uses her sexuality to gain at least nominal control over her husband or boyfriend's sexuality. The pussy engulfs the cock and the cock's owner becomes, at least marginally, submissive to her needs and desires.

In even the most vanilla marriages wives will often reward their husbands with a quick blow job or a bit of bedroom dress up in return for a job well done or a promotion at work. But note the dynamic, the wife controls the blow job. She decides the reward. Implicitly, if a wife is making those sorts of decisions she is beginning to take charge of her marriage overall.

Taming and training a cock could stop right at the "reward" blow job and for many couples it does. However, for some couples, the next step in cock control is no more complicated than a wife refusing to have sex with her husband except when she is "in the mood".  Again, not a huge step but one which changes the whole male, cock driven, sexual dynamic.

At the same time, a clever wife "suggests" to her husband that he should "save" his ejaculations so they can enjoy them together. This is the thin end of the chastity wedge. Men are remarkably proud of their ability to make little messes and if a wife can make her husband's masturbation something she controls - and this is easy as having him soil a tissue before he goes to work a couple of times a week becomes a ritual of control which he'll enjoy - then she is taking away his power to play with his cock as he feels like it. [Note: for men who would like their wives to be more dominant, proposing to your wife that you not be allowed to masturbate unsupervised will speed that process along without worrying your wife too much about the broader implications.)

Once a wife has taken control over her husband's ejaculations she has, for all intents and purposes, become the sexually dominant partner. The cock in the marriage has surrendered its autonomy. Where a wife goes from there is entirely up to her. She may want to leave the dynamic right there and enjoy the fruits of her acknowledged sexual superiority or she may want to extend the scope of her dominion.

While the honour system is lovely for chaste husbands, the temptation to "cheat" is significant. Putting the cock in a cage and keeping the key will confirm a cock's obedience. I have come around to the view that a female led marriage without a chastity cage is possible but that the ongoing symbolism of a locked cock reminds a man of his place.

My own sense is that a female led marriage or relationship works best when a man has had his sexual autonomy entirely eliminated. It is great fun to watch elliot in the summertime, when he is not required to wear his cock cage, and has theoretical control over his own little cock. He is so well conditioned and trained that even when Mady or I tease him - which we do a lot - he will come and stay erect for hours and never think of actually touching his cock without my permission. He is, indeed, a well tempered husband.

Can we "come out" Femdom?

I get all sorts of forms of this question:

Can we "come out" Femdom?

Like so many questions about female led relationships, this one is all about context. Which means that to answer it we have to look at context. 

When you think about it very few married couples spend a lot of their time announcing that they are heterosexual. Nor, when you have a few friends in for drinks or dinner, does the conversation tend to veer towards oral sex techniques or how much Cheryl loves/hates anal. Even if you just have girlfriends over, the intimate details of their marriages are rarely, if ever, discussed. 

As to public displays? Well, if you are in a nice restaurant or at Home Depot, you can amuse yourself by watching how couples make their way in the world. Who is in charge? Who is actually in charge? Do they flirt? Do they look as if they enjoy each other's company?

But it is very, very rare to see any overt signs of sexual interests or fetishes or even good old fashioned lust. Which, quite frankly, is all to the good as far as I am concerned. I don't want and don't need to know what Candace and Bob get up to in the privacy of their own bedroom.

The idea of  "coming out" is rooted in the homosexual community's long battle for acceptance. As a sexual minority, gay people were discriminated against and there were all manner of social and legal penalties inflicted on gay men in particular. By "coming out" homosexuals were able to create the conditions for social acceptance and that led to legal equality. Still lots of work to do, but by "coming out" gay people were able to make their social and political points.

Now, there is no question that femdom couples are a sexual minority. However, so far as I can see, short of arguing for outright matriarchy (which is fun but, frankly, already exists) there really is no political dimension to female-led marriages. Which eliminates the political argument for "coming out".

Which brings the question back to the personal: do you want or need to tell family, friends and the world in general that you keep your husband in a chastity cage or that he's wearing his girdle and stockings under that nice suit?

Here we arrive at a question of style. Part of my own view of female led relationships is that they are actually a reflection of how men and women are happiest together. Men, even the most alpha men, are most content and productive when they are enthralled with and serving their wife or girlfriend. While I certainly think there is lots of fun to be had by integrating femdom, male chastity and discipline into the bedroom, those are private manifestations of a much larger picture.

I don't try to hide the fact elliot is completely submissive to me and, in certain circumstances, I enjoy showing that off either implicitly or explicitly Little gestures such as giving him my purse to carry when we're shopping or telling him to sit somewhere in a shop while I try things on are broad hints to people paying attention. However, most people are not paying attention and unless you literally have your husband on a leash (which might be fun but not subtle) they will not notice his obedience.

At the same time, there is no reason for a dominant wife to behave differently in public than she does in private. Perhaps the key difference between dominant wives and vanilla wives is that a dominant wife tells her husband what to do whereas a vanilla wife tends to ask. "Bring my purse" is very different from "Would you please bring my purse?"

While I have no doubt that there are happy female led relationships where the dominant nature of the wife is given greater emphasis and the submissiveness of the husband is more public, there is no real need for that. If a couple enjoys being more overt, great; but it is not at all required nor will it be without consequence.

Which brings me to a final point. The fact that I think female leadership in marriage is best all round does not mean I want to crusade for it. The fact that I have come to the conclusion that men are better being permanently in chastity does not mean I want to march with a sign saying "Lock him up."

In the here and now the idea of a submissive male is still more than a little transgressive. And it becomes more transgressive the further from large, anonymous, cities you are. In my little part of the world, where there really is a market town and we really do go to church every Sunday, people are very happy to assume that my marriage is like their marriage. Frankly, they are more curious about Mady, my maid, than why elliot sometimes squirms in the hard wooden pew.

Which brings me back to the beginning. A couple in a female led relationship may want to share that fact with the world, but there is no political dimension to The Lady of the House having a cane in her dressing room, a wooden clothes brush in her purse and her husband in a nightie. So there is no reason to be any more forthcoming about how you run your marriage than other wives.

On the other hand, it can be quite a lot of fun to have a few close girlfriends in on your secret. Again, very much up to you. Whether you keep your FLR strictly private or make it discreetly - or indiscreetly - public is your call. But I will note, the first time you have your girlfriends over and your husband is dressed in nothing more than his cock cage and a waiter's apron to serve the Chablis your secret will be out and there is no getting it back. In a big city that might not matter, in a little town like ours....well, discretion seems to be the better part of valor.

A Female Led Relationship: Is an FLR Normal

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I love my husband and I don't want to hurt him...Is an FLR for us?

I hear all sorts of versions of this statement:

I love my husband and I don't want to hurt him...Is an FLR for us?

I love elliot. I love him so much that I am quite prepared to cane him or paddle him with my shower brush whenever he misbehaves and, occasionally simply to remind him of his position. I keep him in semi-permanent chastity and have been stretching out his ball sack with weights. I allow Mady to discipline him as well. When I am whipping elliot I know that it hurts and I know that he loves me all the more for taking the time to discipline him.

Female Led Relationships are about many things but they are rooted in the fact that a woman loves a man enough to accept and enforce his submission. Different men thrive in different circumstances but in my experience, a surprisingly large number of men are happiest when they accept and embrace their submissiveness. This is often the "missing" ingredient in a happy marriage.

I see this in otherwise vanilla marriages where it is quite clear that the wife is in charge and that her husband does what he is told. There are no explicit punishments although there may be an element of sexual reward for an obedient husband.

However, at some point, a wife may take the next step. Usually because, either covertly or overtly, her husband indicates a need for a firmer hand. 

(And here is a hint for husbands or wives who want to explore a more physically demanding FLR: simply say to your partner "If you keep doing that you are going to get a good spanking" or, from the husband's perspective, "Well I'd rather you spanked me than yelled at me." You would be surprised at how often all a woman needs to move to the next level is that sort of hint.)

Focus on that word "need". Submissive men, even those who are only slightly aware of their submissive nature, will know that some part of them is unfulfilled. They might not be able to articulate it but it's there. And it is sometimes very deeply hidden because it conflicts with a whole array of beliefs men have about manliness and masculinity. There is a lot of shame associated with male submissiveness. 

A loving wife is usually committed to meeting her husband's needs just as he should be committed to meeting hers. The realization that the man she loves deeply needs her leadership and her discipline can come as a surprise to some women; but many slightly dominant women have, at least unconsciously, been attracted to slightly submissive men since they were first dating. So it is usually not a complete shock that the man they are engaged to or married to will have a submissive streak.

In general, a man with a submissive streak is much happier and more productive when his wife or partner provides an element of discipline. This can be very subtle - simply telling rather than asking is an excellent way to begin. "Darling, I am going out. While I am gone make sure the laundry is folded and the dishes are in the dishwasher." 

Submissive men enjoy being told what to do. They also enjoy the idea that there will be consequences if they are disobedient. Which means that a loving wife, along with giving her husband instructions, will make it clear she expects to be obeyed and that disobedience will be punished. 

There are a lot of ways of punishing a husband and many wives in vanilla marriages use everything from scolding to sexual denial to simply ignoring their husbands. However, frankly, I think those sorts of tactics are actually pretty manipulative and just as likely to cause fractures in the marriage rather than any improvement in a husband's behaviour.

Much better is the explicit, "If you do not do as I tell you I'm going to have to punish you". Now, during an engagement or the early part of a marriage, the most important thing a wife can do is follow through on her promises.

Keeping a hairbrush or, better still, a shower brush handy allows a wife to administer punishment pretty much immediately.

Will it hurt? Yes, yes it will. For a spanking, much less more intense forms of punishment to actually matter, they have to hurt and your husband should not "like" being punished. Loving your husband may mean turning his bottom a rosy shade of red because he needs to feel the sting of your authority in order to actually embrace his own submissiveness.

So, if you love a submissive man you will have to, when he deserves it, punish him and make sure it hurts enough to matter. If you can do that then an FLR is very much a possibility.

Do Dominant Wives Need Whips and Chains?

This question stands in for a lot of questions women ask about Female Led Relationships:

Do Dominant Wives Need Whips and Chains?

Well, a nice whip or two can be useful. But the real question here is whether FLRs have much to do with the BDSM world. And like most questions, this one has a variety of answers.

My FLR has very few of the leather and chains elements. We don't have a dungeon. We do have a bit of bondage gear and I am partial to having a couple of sets of police-grade handcuffs close to hand if I want elliot, and occasionally Mady, to be reminded of their positions in my household.

However, in actual fact, the BDSM world, both amateur and professional is very different from the world of FLRs and dominant wives. The essential difference is that BDSM is about a scene or series of scenes which can be very intense but from which the participants emerge and resume their daily lives. (And, yes, I am aware that there can be situations where one person makes a permanent commitment to a Mistress/slave relationship but even here the day to day intrudes.)

In FLRs there may be moments of great intensity - just ask elliot when he is silly enough to be cheeky, much less rude - and punishment can be quite severe. However, those moments fit into a full time commitment of obedience, deference and submission. Part of that commitment is sexual. A man's acceptance of chastity as his natural and permanent state, the re-enforcement of that chastity with a cock cage or other, more elaborate, chastity belt. Most of all, the husband's or boyfriend's recognition that a woman's sexual gratification is his real sexual objective and that his little messes are of no great interest means that the woman is firmly in charge of the couple's sexuality.

So the "whips and chains" question really comes down to what a dominant wife enjoys. And here is a hint, very few women, dominant or otherwise, find much interesting about the theatrical elements of BDSM. It is a conversation I have had online with many women and directly with a few close female friends - it turns out that some of the reluctance that many women have about assuming the dominant role turns on the fact they don't find pulling on thigh-high leather boots and a fantasy land leather corset very appealing. Sure, they might act the role of dominatrix for fun on date night or Halloween, but it is not a common lifestyle choice.

As you might expect, there can be a real disconnect between what a submissive man is expecting in a FLR and what his wife or girlfriend actually does. The elaborate rituals of BDSM may be fantastically erotic for a man and leave his wife wondering what the fuss is about. However, a clever wife can use the erotic cliches of the BDSM world as wonderful teases for her chaste husband. If she wants to.

As I discussed below, men have the most particular fetishes. These can be obsessive and, if left in the closet, can actually impair an otherwise solid marriage, female led or not. Yet very few male fetishes are particularly revolting or, for that matter, difficult to indulge.

Men also are remarkable in their ability to construct elaborate fantasies. "Whips and Chains" are usually part of a larger concept of genuine helplessness in the face of a dominant woman. (And, yes we can speculate where that comes from; but origin is less important than intensity.) While an untrained husband might procrastinate about building you raised vegetable beds, he will be more than willing to turn out the whipping rail of his dreams. Or buy dual purpose furniture which can double as a spanking bench. Weight bearing eye hooks can sprout in the most unlikely places and one wife I know has a beautiful dressing room which artfully conceals a full toy chest - lots of different sized dildos adapted for pegging - a cabinet for her collection of dog sticks, riding crops and dressage whips. It has several nicely concealed fixed points for bondage and a lovely chaise with a single, high, round and padded arm. But her pride and joy is a large dog crate. She owns a large dog but he's never been inside the crate.

"tom has always been deeply into the idea of close confinement," said my friend. "Another friend of mine was "crate training" her dog. Well, I put two and two together and when I had tom build my dressing room, I ordered a large, rather nicely made, furniture really, dog crate. Now, when tom gets on my nerves, or I want to have a nice read in bed or really for any reason at all, I have him strip to his cock cage. Then all I say is "Crate" and in he goes. It has a cute little lock but I had him add a real padlock hasp. Once he's in I go in and snap the lock shut. Then I just forget he's there. It isn't punishment exactly. And my dressing room is hardly a dungeon, but tom knows if he is sent to my dressing room he is entirely at my command. Usually, I will just crate him; but if he needs a whipping or I feel like pegging him, well everything I need is close to hand. And I got a wonderful, very girly, dressing room out of it."

Dominant wives are all about training their husbands. Sometimes that is a matter of punishment, sometimes reward. And sometimes the rewards look an awful lot like punishments. But for both a dominant wife and her submissive husband, the whips and chains are all about working towards creating an obedient, attentive and loving man.