Getting Started with a Female Led Relationship

I hope you all had a wonderful Holiday Season. We certainly did. I gave elliot two books he has been looking for for years and Mady and I let him out of his chastity cage on Christmas Eve. I'd upped his dose of Viagra a little and his not terrifically large cock was just perfect after he had spent quite a long time licking me. I didn't let him come in me and Mady had her fun with his very hard cock. She is such a naughty girl and she looked lovely as she climbed on top of elliot for Christmas treats. Again, I didn't let elliot cum in Mady either. Instead we put him in a locking long legged panti-girdle and sent him to bed. Christmas morning dawned and when Mady came in with my coffee I had her unlock poor elliot and give him a bit of a tease before his shower.

After his shower I had Mady handcuff him and then push a wonderful, remote controlled vibrator into his bottom. Then she put the girdle back on and elliot spent Christmas Day on edge. It was such fun watching the expression on his face when we flipped on the vibe. But we didn't push him over the edge. Mady had told me that she really wanted to give him a blow job as part of his Christmas and, after dinner we went to his den, handcuffed him again and Mady got to work. elliot could not believe his luck when it became evident she was going to suck him to completion. What fun!

All of which brings me to a lovely note I received from a young wife in a leafy suburb of a city in the Southern United States named Kendra,

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Dear Miss Jay,

I wanted to thank you for your wonderful website and your fantastic books. When I was a little younger I read your Modern Mistress: Lead the Luxury Life You Deserve and was kept for a few years beginning in my last year in college. What fun and what nice men.

However, we all have to grow up sometime and for me that meant getting married and, eventually, having kids. Very normal. Having been a mistress I have to say gave me a slightly different perspective on men than my girlfriends had. They are all sweet and still my friends now, but they all see men like they were still in high school. Essentially, they all sort of hung back hoping that Mr. Right would, somehow, pop into their lives. Sadly, men did pop into their lives. Very unsuitable men.

I approached the whole thing very differently. I wanted a good man, a little older than I am, reasonably successful with great prospects and, most importantly, willing to follow my lead. From my experience as a mistress I realized that I liked being in charge. And, as a mistress, part of my vocation was spending time researching some of the sexual byways my patrons seemed to be interested in. One of the things I noticed was that all of my patrons, and I only had three, liked to be told what to do. In bed, but also in my apartment and even when we were out for dinner or shopping.

It was a very specific thing. I could ask them to do something and they might or might not do it, but if I told them to do something they practically purred. Now, these were very successful men, I was an expensive luxury, and they spent their days making decisions and telling other people what to do. As you have written on this blog and in your books, men need time out from always having to make decisions. A mistress gives them that time out. But a wife?

Maybe. But first I had to find the right guy. I am not one for hanging back. While I was a mistress I worked in corporate communications for a public relations firm. I accumulated a well edited  wardrobe and a reputation for being "that girl who is always wearing dresses". In fact, most of the time I wore really well-tailored suits but always with skirts. I never wore pant suits. Attractive, often pretty, but also very self-possessed. I never looked like I was trying too hard.

Part of my job was going to assorted networking events. Pretty basic where everyone is being "social" while looking out for new clients. I did at least one of these a week and enjoyed them. I am fairly tall and I have quite a nice figure - I walk a lot and swim for an hour twice a week - and with the right bra...well, I get my share of attention. The more obvious come ons I ignored but there were plenty of nice men who could hold a conversation. Usually, under the pretext of business, it was not at all difficult to arrange to meet a few days out and that is what I did.

Yes, this was calculating. But you get what you want by going after it. I must have had coffee with twenty five or so men and then drinks with half a dozen. Oddly enough, the coffees brought me in another half dozen potential clients so, even if I didn't find a husband, I was ahead of the game. Coffee was business attire, drinks I would up my game a bit. From my mistress days I had three or four "little black dresses" each of which was a tiny bit revealing in a subtle way. I have nice legs so a short skirt is never a bad choice. At the same time I have rather pretty clavicles and why not show them off in a longer but off the shoulder dress? My rule for drinks was two glasses of wine and then, no matter how well it was going, off I went.

It did not take long, a couple of months, to find several men who I enjoyed and who enjoyed me. I was in no hurry but I was also not going to waste a lot of time. Unfortunately, these days, the sorts of serious, successful men I was looking for took sex as a given once you got to a couple of dinner dates. I am, obviously, no enemy of sex; but I also am well aware that there is huge value in sex and that it should not be squandered. It was also an opportunity to see how various men responded to the idea that they would do what they were told.

I still had my very elegant, slightly "mistressy" apartment. The mistressy element was in the expensive, minimalist and quite masculine furniture. In one of your mistress books, Zoey's First Night I think a girl says "I want to be the most feminine thing in my apartment". Very much how I decorated.

I took all of three men back to my apartment. The first, well the first was a mistake. He made the assumption that if I was inviting him back after dinner I was going to be dessert. Er, no. He lasted about five minutes before I bundled him out the door. The other two were sweet. My basic test was to see if they would do as they were told without any quid pro quo.

I would pour us each a glass of wine, sit, in a rather brilliant black leather club chair and, when everyone was settled down, say, "Now, dear man, are you comfortable? Ready to please me?" They would usually nod. "Excellent, we'll get started. Stand up. Turn. Now back around. Good."

Both the boys were with me to this point but now it would get interesting.

"I want to see you naked," I said. "So just stand where you are and take off your clothes. All of them."

One man said, "Really?" and the other said "What?", I said "Yes".

One of the men, Matt, began to undress as soon as I said "Yes", the other, whose name I forget, wanted to talk about it. I said goodnight.

I married Matt. And not just because, when I lifted my skirt, pulled down my panties and said, "Get to work," he was very eager and very good, really because he did what he was told without a moment's protest. Matt was good enough at pussy licking that I was tempted to let him have his own orgasm. But I knew I had to start as I meant to finish. When I was done I pulled up my panties, let down my skirt and moved to the couch. I motioned Matt over and had him lie with his head in my lap.

"We are going to be going on several dates," I said gently sliding my long nails across his nipple. "I am going to be testing you, teasing you. Starting right now you will not cum without my permission and supervision. Do you understand?"

"Yes Ma'am."

"You have a very nice cock, Matt," I said. "From now on it is my cock. We'll see how you behave and, if you are a good boy, we might even let that cock have a bit of fun. But, for the moment, I want you to get dressed, give me a kiss and leave. I'll call you when I want to see you again."

"Yes Ma'am."

From that day 'til this that is exactly how I have trained Matt. I do have a paddle - a rather nice bamboo paddle I had Matt order me for a wedding gift - and a couple of rattan canes I gave us for our first anniversary. But, honestly, I really don't use them on Matt very often. He is naturally very obedient. I have looked at a chastity cage for him but I am not there yet.

I took Matt on our wedding night having only given him hand jobs to that point over our six month engagement. Three to be exact. But he knew that if I invited him to my apartment he would spend a good deal of his time under my skirt. Which he loved.

My girlfriends can't quite figure out how I manage to have a happy, very successful, husband who is so attentive and helpful. I will often have a couple of girlfriends over and Matt makes the snacks and serves them in a wonderfully 50's housewife sort of a way.

At home he always wears loose wrap tops - Kimono shirts they are called - and kimono capri pants and Japanese sandals. It is a perfectly androgynous look and my girlfriends joke about my not having a husband so much as a houseboy. Matt knows that I expect him to come home from work and put on his house clothes and be ready to greet me when I get back from work. I have a slightly longer commute so this works well. He's responsible for having something nice to go with a much needed after work glass of wine. We usually cook together but he is responsible for clean-up while I enjoy a few minutes of down time. Once he has done the clean up he may have some laundry or vacuuming to do. I made it very clear during our courtship that those sorts of household chores were his responsibility.

When he is done I might invite him to curl up on the couch with me to watch Netflix for a while but, right at ten, I send him to get changed for bed. I like him to wear one of his many sets of Kimono pajamas. These are nice because if I want to have him I can just tell him to wiggle out of the trousers. I come upstairs when I am ready.

I suspect that one of the reasons I am hesitant about putting a cage on Matt is that I enjoy playing with him and, once in a while, taking him. I am always on top. In two years of marriage Matt has never once taken the top position when we make love. And I have made it very clear that just because I have decided to have him he does not have permission to cum. That's a special treat. He also knows that if he somehow can't control himself our bedroom cane will remind him who is in charge. He's only lost control four or five times but a really sound caning each time has made those slips very rare.

Matt loves all this. So do I. He's told me over and over how lucky he was that I chose him. I think so too.

Kisses,

Kendra

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Dear Kendra (I wrote back),

What a lovely story. I love the fact you've figured out a house uniform for your husband. Too clever.

But what I really like is that you made a decision about the sort of man you wanted to marry and got to work finding him. All too often young women settle for what they think is available when, with a little effort, they can find a suitable man who will be only too delighted to honour and obey.

I understand your view on chastity cages. I had the same view for years. But, at a certain point, caging a man is a kindness. Self-restraint is a great thing but the poor dears are remarkably penis driven. By locking a man up you are removing temptation.

Enjoy your marriage and keep me posted,

Enjoy!

Hannah

Being Available

A commentator in the last post wrote:

"How can I earn a life to be spanked and pegged by a strict dominant woman who will make me submit to her rules and regulations?"

It is a question which comes up regularly and I think it is worth answering. I did so in the comments but I want to expand my answer a bit here.

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Assuming that you are serious a couple of points: begin with being a gentleman to all the women in your life and all the women you meet. Good old fashioned manners will go a long way towards attracting an interesting woman.

Meeting women is not terribly difficult. Meeting the right women is. You are very unlikely to meet the right sort of woman in a bar or a club, much more likely to meet one at a book sale or in a vintage clothing shop. A compliment - "what a lovely coat" - gets the ball rolling. Be very polite and very deferential. "Might I join you for a coffee when you have a bit of spare time?" leave the decision with the woman where it belongs. 

Now, a real gentleman will have a personal - not business - card with just his name, email address and phone number. Making a nice presentation, with a little bow, to give a lady your card will, I will virtually guarantee, be something which has never happened to her before and therefore make you more interesting than most of the men she meets. Plus, your bow will already, suggest your submissiveness. Not a bad way to begin. 

Second, in your interactions with women generally and eligible women in particular, go out of your way to demonstrate your obedience and submission. No, don't fall to your knees...but do as you are told and saying "Yes, Miss." will surprise and delight most women.

Again, as you are meeting women, look for opportunities to serve. For example, if you have struck up a conversation in a vintage clothing shop, there is no reason not to offer to hold the clothes she is going to try on while she is in the changing room. (On a second visit, when you know each other a little and she realizes she can trust you, offering to carry her bag while she goes through the racks and also offering to carry her selections, is a lovely way to introduce any woman to the pleasures of a submissive, obedient man.)

Third, while you will likely ask any number of unsuitable women out understand that it is a submissive male's duty to make the effort. After all, unsuitable or not, girls need nice breaks whether it is for coffee or lunch or dinner. And you always pay. If she demurs, well, wait to be told what to do. But make sure you make the first move. It is the only first move a submissive man should make. Everything else, from whether to see each other again to physical intimacy to which movie to see is up to the woman. Of course, you can suggest going to dinner or to a movie but she decides where or what to see.

Fourth, if, as dates sometimes do, a woman seems interested in intimacy, make sure you let her take the lead. Especially if you are lucky enough to be invited to her bed. Your only reason to be there is her pleasure so do as you are told. Your pleasures and urges simply do not matter. (Note: if you have pleasured a woman properly and she suggests reciprocation, you need to make it clear that she has no obligation at all to attend to your needs. If she suggests a blow job after you have licked her to completion, suggest giving her a nice backrub instead.) 

Some women will love being in charge in the bedroom and that is a very good sign as to their eventual willingness to take charge of the relationship. At the same time, many women are very used to the man taking the initiative. A good way to get past this is to explain that, in these #metoo days it is very important to you to know that any physical intimacy is at her initiation. "You tell me what you want me to do."

After a few encounters, she'll realize that you are really there entirely for her pleasure and at her direction. If she is comfortable with that you are ready to move on to the hard part.

Finally, with her permission, tell her about your desires. Be prepared for her to be a little shocked, or not, but you need to be totally honest. But you do not have to be all that blunt. For example, when something goes a little bit wrong, saying something like, "I really deserve a good spanking for forgetting to put water in with the flowers" opens up the whole spanking question. Pegging is a little different as you'll have to open up the question, "I wish I could feel you in me" and then actually get all the apparatus.

Women are generally caregivers and once she understands that you need a good whipping from time to time and that you feel more comfortable and secure having been taken anally, you would be amazed at how willing many women are to meet your needs. 

Of course, and this should go without saying, you need to be all the man you can be. Working hard, earning, staying in shape and alive to the world. Part of finding the woman you want and need is being the man she will want and need. It sounds basic, but good grooming, nice clothes, good shoes and an elegant - but not needlessly expensive - watch. 

Remember, long before the discipline and the pegging and whatever else you need, the reality is that you have to enjoy the woman who will be in charge and, more importantly, she must enjoy you.

Good luck!!

Outsourcing

Yesterday's post about a Dominant Mistress sparked a wonderful letter from Nancy who writes from a small city in the South Eastern United States,

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Dear Miss Jay,

A few years ago my husband Kyle confessed to me that he would like me to take the leadership of our marriage. It was quite an adjustment and reading your blog and elliot's books about your female led relationship has been very helpful.

It was not easy but it seemed to make him happy. I keep him chaste and in a chastity device most of the time. I prefer the metal to the silicone but have both. But the fact is that I was and am very uncomfortable other elements of female-led marriage, especially disciplining Kyle. And he certain needs and, frankly, craves discipline.

I took your advice and got a long-handled wooden shower brush which I have used occasionally. But it was obvious that I just couldn't really swing it hard enough. I mean I could, but I love Kyle too much to seriously cause him the sort of pain he seemed to need. And there were other things he wanted which I just can't imagine. Being pegged was one thing and taking an enema was another and, well, he kept begging me to pee on him. I know it took a lot of courage just to ask but I just couldn't do any of that sort of thing. It all left us both very frustrated.

Of course, in my little city, while I have lots of friends, we are all gracious southern ladies who really don't speak about bedroom matters. I kept trying to do what Kyle needed but I just couldn't. Finally, not knowing where to turn, I mentioned I was having problems with Kyle to my doctor. She is much more worldly than I am and asked a few questions and then said, "I think I may have a solution. Leave it with me for a few days."

A few days later my phone rang and a rather pretty voice said, "Mrs. x, my name is Fiona. I'm a nurse and Dr. y suggested I might be of assistance with your husband. I thought we might meet and discuss what you need and what your husband requires."

We quickly agreed to meet for tea at one of the nicer hotels in town and the next day I dressed carefully and had a little notebook in my handbag. Fiona had asked me to make a list of what I would want for Kyle and what Kyle needed. I had that list.

Fiona had told me she was quite petite and had jet black hair. The lovely girl who was wearing a pleated white, calf-length dress and a clever, muted pink tweed Chanel jacket who sat down across from me had not said she was beautiful. But she was. She held out her hand.

"I'm Fiona, Nancy," she said. "Let's order tea and we'll figure out how I might help."

We had a wonderful, funny, conversation. She was, in fact, a nurse but she only worked three nights a week at one of our hospitals on the acute care ward.

"The rest of my time is my own," she said. "Which means I am able to accommodate situations such as yours. You would be surprised at how many of the nice ladies we are taking tea with have these sorts of problems."

Fiona ran her "practice" from a lovely little cottage - she had pictures on her phone - on an estate just outside town. "It's very private and a little isolated. And I have all the facilities you need for this sort of work. Did you make your list?"

I handed it to her.

"Very straightforward," she said. "I am happy to be Kyle's disciplinarian and the other items on the list will simply be worked in as needed. Will he be ejaculating?"

I was very reassured by her very professional tone. "I don't think so unless you think it would be helpful."

"Quite the opposite, ma'am. Is he in chastity?"

"Usually."

"Well always send him locked to me and the question will not come up. Although, as you indicated that pegging was on the agenda, he will certainly have an intromission as that is how I tell when a pegging is complete."

We sipped our tea and went into some detail about Kyle's submissive fantasies. Fiona was very funny but also very professional.

"Men are remarkably silly. I think because, unlike women, they never really have to grow up," she said. "Which suits me as it provides a delightful cash income without the slightest risk. And most of my clients are, in fact, wives who know what their husbands want but who are simply not willing to provide it. I am more than willing."

"Do you want me to do maintenance?" she asked.

"Maintenance?" I asked right back.

"Yes, some female led couples find that a good spanking or caning once a week reminds a man of his position. I have three clients whose husbands I see weekly," she said.

"I'll have to think about that. Do you think it works?" I asked.

"Very much depends on the husband," said Fiona. "It sounds to me as if your husband is pretty obedient right now. I'd suggest leaving maintenance alone for the moment. You can always change your mind. And, once you are comfortable with the fact that I will be doing the serious corrections, you might do maintenance yourself."

"That's a thought," I said thinking about my shower brush.

"Now, when I am disciplining a husband I usually wear a wonderfully old fashioned nurse's uniform. With the cap and the pinned on watch. I have several. It keeps the interaction clinical and professional," said Fiona. "It also means that a wife can easily say, "You are going to see Nurse if you keep that up" and the husband will know exactly what to expect."

Fiona was expensive, "I prefer to be on a monthly retainer against which I will charge for the time spent and carry the balance forward. There are no "extras" and I take the time required for a full and thorough correction. You can send Kyle as often as needed. The only thing I need is a note from you indicating the level of correction, from 1-5, required. 1 is pretty mild. In Kyle's case likely a paddling and an enema. At 3 there will be marks and possibly some bruising. A 5 is pretty severe and you should reserve it for occasions where he really needs punishment."

Fiona finished her tea. I gave her an envelope with her first month's fee in cash. She stood up and held out her hand. "This will be the last time I meet you. Your husband is in good hands," she said. "After each appointment, when your husband is doing his corner time, I will fill out a short report which he will take home to you."

Now, I have gone on far too long but, the next week, Kyle was more than a little rude to me and I looked him straight in the eye and said, "That's enough. You are going to see Nurse." Of course he had no idea what I was talking about but I sent Fiona a text and set an appointment for that evening. As she requested, I wrote a short note explaining the nature of the offence and wrote a number, 2, if memory serves.

I called Kyle into my sewing room. "Kyle, deliver this note to the lady who lives at this address and do exactly what you are told. Your appointment is at eight. Shower first."

He looked pretty worried but obeyed and was soon off to meet Nurse.

Two hours later he was home.

"Strip," I said wanting to inspect Fiona's work. Silently Kyle took off his clothes. "Corner."

As he walked to his corner I looked at his perfectly welted bottom. Then I opened Fiona's report.

It was succinct. "Caning, 24 medium strokes with light cane;  enema, 2 quarts, 10 minute retention, some cramping; small anal plug, one hour after golden shower in dog cage. Husband responsive to commands, well trained. Kyle accepted his correction and does not plan to be rude again. I explained my service and told Kyle that I was acting as your proxy to provide necessary and strict discipline. signed Nurse Fiona.

"OK Kyle, you can go and put your robe on," I said. "Then come back and tell me all about your visit with Nurse."

"Yes, ma'am."

I fetched some wine and lighted a couple of candles on our coffee table. Kyle came in and I motioned him over to the couch.

"So, how did you like Nurse Fiona?" I asked.

"Wow. Where did you find her?" replied Kyle.

"Through a friend," I said.

"Darling," said Kyle getting on his knees. "First off I have to apologize for being rude. And I have to thank you for making the effort to find someone to correct me."

"Well don't do it again. Now get up and tell," I said.

Kyle sat back down on the couch, a bit gingerly.

"Okay, but I am still sort of processing it all. I had a hard time finding Nurse's cottage but, eventually, I found the turn off and drove down a narrow country road for a quarter mile until I saw a nice little bungalow with its outside lights on. I parked, got out the car and knocked on the wide wood door. I heard heels clicking and the door opened and there was Nurse. She's tiny and in full nurse's uniform. I handed her your note.

"Stay here," she said. She closed the door with me outside while she read it. The door re-opened and she said into a phone which was recording, "I am Nurse Fiona. Your wife has sent you here for correction and punishment. When you step across my threshold you have agreed to do exactly as you are told and accept whatever corrections, punishments or orders I give. Your wife requires that you do as I tell you. Do you agree?"

"Yes, Nurse," I said.

"Then, come in," said Nurse putting down her phone. "Follow me."

She led me to a set of stairs which obviously went to the basement. "Down."

I noticed that she had a water bottle and was wearing what looked like a 1940's nurse's uniform.

"Undress."

I did as I was told.

"What a nice chastity cage. Your wife had very good taste. Now go and kneel on that bench."

I went over to a very simple bench which was well padded and had restraints for my wrists and ankles as well as a belt which went around my thighs and another which held my waist very securely. Nurse said nothing as she buckled me in and tightened the belts. I was immobilized. When she was done Nurse sat on a stool directly in front of me.

"Now Kyle, your wife has sent you to be punished for your rudeness. She has indicated in her note that you are to have a level 2 punishment out of a possible 5 levels. Open your mouth."

I did and a thick, penis shaped gag, was put in place. I heard the click of a padlock.

"Now a little ginger," said Nurse moving behind me. I felt something push into my backdoor.

"Ginger root works differently with different people. We'll leave it to get started for ten minutes and then you'll get your caning. If you clench your bottom the sting will intensify. After your caning and one or two more punishments, you'll be getting an enema which will, I suspect, reduce the sting before we put in your bottom plug," said Nurse. Then I heard her go back upstairs and I could hear her television come on.

The ginger began to sting. Not unbearable but irritating. The minutes went by slowly and the sting increased. And if I squirmed I would get a dose of ginger juice which upped the discomfort. By the time I heard Nurse's heels clicking down the stairs it was really becoming difficult. I was sweating.

"Enjoying your little fig aren't you Kyle," she said. "It will get a lot more intense as I whip you. A level two caning is 24 strokes. It is a simple system. Level 1 is 12, 2 is 24, 3 is 48 and so on. But I am using a relatively light cane today. If this was level 3 I would use a medium weight cane and at level 5 I use a heavy cane. For nearly 200 strokes. You'll want to avoid that."

Without a moment's warning I could hear the cane whistle through the air and crack on my bottom.

"At level 2 I do not cross my strokes, but at level 3 I switch sides and your bottom looks like a nasty tic tac toe board. I really would not clench my bottom in your position, the ginger will hurt more than the cane," said Nurse. "And last longer. Only a few more to go."

"Darling, please, never go past level 2," said Kyle. "I was crying after a dozen strokes and Nurse didn't care. I would have been screaming but the gag silenced me. And I couldn't help clenching my bottom so the ginger was leaking agony in my bottom."

Nurse was relentless. I swear she timed the strokes so that every ten seconds a new wave of pain hit. But I was counting the strokes and, at last, we'd hit twenty four.

"As this is your first time you will only have six bonus strokes. Normally there are at least a dozen. And they are always cross hatched," said Nurse switching sides. "I have a little less control with my backhand so this might pinch."

Pinch! Dear Lord. Each stroke connected to at least five of my original welts which actually cut the skin a little. I know because Nurse cleaned me up afterwards. The ginger was excruciating. But nothing compared to the cane. Or so I thought.

"There you go, done. I'll just leave you there for ten minutes to let you catch your breath. You did very well but, well, you don't have much choice do you," said Nurse. I could hear her heels going back upstairs. Now the ginger was competing with my blazing bottom's agony. I honestly hoped I'd pass out but no chance of that and, truth to tell, the endorphins had clicked in and while everything hurt I was well past caring. I closed my eyes and embraced the pain knowing it was for you.

Nurse came back.

"We'll just put on this blindfold and then we can give you a nice shower," said Nurse. "I have always wanted a rotatable bench so my naughty boys could look up but, well, they can't look because I am not that sort of girl, so this does fine."

I began to feel the warmness of her pee as she soaked my head and then my arms and shoulders. It was almost hot. I couldn't see a thing but I could smell her pussy scent and the urine as it hit me. It went on for a long time and I realized why there was a drain in the floor. Finally, Nurse was done and I had had my first Golden Shower. The ginger was agonizing and I was praying that Nurse would finally pop it out. No go.

"We'll just let you enjoy that for a little while," said Nurse. And I heard her going back up stairs.

Nancy, I cannot tell you how much the ginger stung. It was like having a million hornets up my bum. She just left me there. I could hear the TV and the show was, at last, ending. But she didn't come back down. I don't really know how long I was there until, finally, I heard her coming back. I felt her pull the ginger out of my ass but that was no relief.

"So Kyle, I expect you will never be rude to your wife again," said Nurse.

I couldn't respond other than nodding as the gag was still in.

"Time to clean out that nasty ginger juice," said Nurse putting on a pair of gloves. "Two quarts of nice, warm soapy water up your bottom and all the way into your colon will help a lot."

I felt her push some sort of lubricant in and then a quite thick thing which went in a long way. It hurt but not nearly as much as the ginger. Then a gush of warmth and the stinging died away. I began to feel full and then she attached a second bag and I began to feel cramps. Small at first but they increased in intensity.

"You'll cramp a bit, just relax. You only have to hold this for ten minutes," said Nurse.

Those were ten long minutes during which Nurse undid all but my wrist restraints and put something on my bottom.

"Your wife will be pleased. You'll have welts for a week," said Nurse.

The cramping was getting worse and I desperately needed to get to a washroom. Nurse looked at her watch.

"OK, keep holding. I will release your wrists and then you will be able to go to the washroom. I'll be waiting."

Relief. Darling, I totally understand why you never gave me an enema. But it felt so good to release. Amazing really. I came out of the washroom to see Nurse standing beside a dog cage with a fairly large butt plug in her gloved hands.

"We'll just slip this in and lock you up in your cage for a while so you can think about how grateful you are to Nancy for arranging all this. When I come back I will let you out, you will get dressed and come upstairs. I will take out your gag and you, without saying a word, will go home to your loving wife and the head of your household," said Nurse.

About half an hour in the dog cage later that is exactly what happened.

"Thank you Darling," said my dear husband.

"You've learned your lesson?" I asked.

"Oh yes."

"And that what you've wanted me to do?" I asked, curious.

"I don't know.  I can't imagine you being that intense."

"But that is what you have needed, isn't it?"

"Yes, ma'am," said my darling husband.

"Then that is what you'll have. Now go and shower and go to bed. I'll be up in a little while."

Which is how we started with Nurse Fiona. I make sure her retainer is paid up to date and Kyle is sent over a couple of times a month if he is naughty. Which he often is. We've never gone beyond level 2 and I suspect we never will. But Kyle never knows what is in the envelope. But he does know that Nurse Fiona will follow my instructions to the letter.

I just have to say "Three" for a complete attitude change.

It's perfect.

Yours,

Nancy

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I wrote back,

Dear Nancy,

Thank you so much for sharing this.

Ginger is a nasty thing and darling elliot has been figged more than occasionally.

Nurse Fiona sounds like a treasure and how clever of your doctor to find a solution.

For some women, the very idea of punishing their husbands, no matter how much their husbands want to be corrected, is impossible. Outsourcing is a great idea.

The difficulty is finding a woman like Nurse Fiona. They are out there but all too often wives turn to professional dominatrixs who don't quite "get it". Nurse Fiona obviously does and both you and Kyle are very, very lucky to have found her.

Enjoy!

Hannah

Time Outs

shackles optional

Some dominant wives want servile, timid husbands who are entirely submissive all the time. Which is fine but, honestly, for me that would be pretty boring. I want elliot to be the smart, sassy man I married. Of course, I also want his instant obedience and his love and respect; but I married an alpha male and I have no intention of giving up the wonderful masculine traits that entails.

Keeping his cock in a cage is an assertion of my authority and the fact there is only one sexuality in our marriage, mine. His discipline, his physical training, his submission to both myself and my maid/companion Mady, his periodic confinement in his little room, are all designed to shape his character, not change it.

Which means, of course, that from time to time, my sweet elliot gets a little rambunctious. Very much the nature of the beast and I wouldn't have it any other way.

That said, there are lines he knows he cannot cross. One of them is backchat. He does not always remember this. There are other minor annoyances which, while they must be corrected, don't always call for the cane or shower brush. In fact, I would argue that dominant wives are wise to keep physical correction as a measured response for serious misbehaviour.

In my house, elliot (and sometimes, when she is naughty, Mady) know that minor infractions lead directly to a time out. Just a few minutes in a corner or locked in a closet. Corner time is a very effective "call to order" and can be imposed, literally anywhere. (Mady was a bit cheeky in a ladies shop the other day and I sent her into the changing room to stand in the corner. As she was going in she was going to close the door, "No, Mady, leave the door open." Part of corner time is the humiliation.)

Being locked in a convenient closet is a terrific "time out". Effectively, elliot is banished for a few minutes or even, an hour or two. For a man with an active mind and lots going on, the sheer boredom of standing or sitting in the dark is a very real punishment. So much so that he has actually asked me to cane him rather than giving him a closet time out. No luck with that request and it always adds fifteen minutes to his closet time.

Creative corrections ensure that elliot and Mady remember their places without losing the feistiness which makes my house such fun.

The Elegant Mistress

A year ago to the day I wrote,

"Now, with older admirers, that is the very last thing they want to hear. Instead, make it clear to them that they exist to ensure you have the nice things like silk chemises, real silk stockings, a really good vibrator and the pampering you deserve. Wonderful food, the occasional short vacation and what Holly Golightly referred to as "Powder Room Money" are all to be expected. Nice things in blue boxes never go amiss.

A girl can be just as in charge with a man old enough to be her father as with a younger man. Those handcuffs will come in handy. But with older men, a girl does not have to be quite as stingy with her favours and good behaviour and really wonderful presents can be the occasion for a controlled ejaculation. The dynamic is very different.

I'll return to the subject another day. But, right now, it is cocktail hour and I'd hate to be late."

What I was referring to, of course, was that wonderful opportunity which smart girls, especially in their twenties, have to become a mistress for a few years.

No, not the boots and leather corset kind of mistress - though that can be fun too - rather a young lady who is "kept" by a wealthy, usually older man. I have written extensively about this quaint but delightful halfway house between escorting and the dating/marriage world. (I'll put the books in below. A couple are free today.)

It takes a self-possessed girl to succeed at being a mistress because there is a subtle but very real power dynamic involved. The fact is that almost every mistress relationship is a female led relationship to a greater or lesser degree.

I discuss this dynamic at much greater length in my book Modern Mistress: Lead the Luxury Life you Deserve. Put in simple terms, a woman who becomes a mistress is trading her time, attention and favours to her patron for "the finer things in life". What those things are - an allowance, rent paid, a clothing allowance, a car, vacations - are all a matter of negotiation and it is the mistress, not her patron, who takes charge of that negotiation.

Part of the dynamic is that the prospective mistress has something her patron wants. That something goes well beyond sex. If it is just a transactional sex for money situation then the girl is not really a mistress at all. She is stuck somewhere between escort and sugar baby. In both those situations, (with few exceptions which I talk about in my book on elegant escorting, Avails: Escorting for The Elegant Woman) it is the male who holds the power and, being men, in that situation the relationship is usually very fleeting. Even the most successful sugar babies seldom last three months, whereas a man's relationship with his mistress can last years.

The key to this longevity is that, from the moment she meets her patron, through the negotiations and on into the relationship, the mistress takes charge. Both in the bedroom and in the rest of their time together, a clever mistress takes the lead. She does this by doing something many women are diffident about: she owns her sexuality and makes it clear from the outset that it is her sexuality and what she chooses to do with it, which drives the pleasure matrix in the relationship.

Obviously, it is not as one-sided as the total control a dominant wife maintains over the sexual life in her marriage. Most patrons would be unimpressed with the requirement of prolonged chastity for example. But that does not stop a clever mistress from keeping her patron, as it were, hungry.

Finding out what a man really desires and then teasing him with possibilities sets a mistress apart from her less adventurous peers. Because it implies that a mistress is more than willing to meet those desires head on rather than coyly as many women feel bound to do. 

A mistress keeps her patron transfixed because, unlike with many of the other women he has been with, she is sexually aggressive rather than passive and her sexual favours are not conditional. Far too many women use sex as some sort of reward for their husbands or boyfriends. Completion of the "honey do" list gets a husband a blow job. For the mistress, assuming that her patron ensures her comfort, sex is part of the bargain and a part she embraces.

Spending a few years as a mistress in your twenties very quickly expands a woman's perspective on the world, on men and, most importantly, herself. As I gather the interviews with the women in the Mistress Matrix, I was struck at just how much more mature and self-confident these, often quite young, women were. Part of it was, of course, money. Compared to her contemporaries, a well kept mistress has much lower expenses and a much greater disposable income for what amounts to, in most cases, all of five to ten hours a week of actual face time. Another huge part of it was that these girls realize early on that their success as mistresses depends on being the sort of beauty their patrons desire. Glossy hair, great skin, perfect nails - even a slightly mousy girl is transformed as she embraces the mistress experience and has the money and time it takes to glow. 

Add to that the time at the gym or swimming and generally being physically active - mistresses don't have muffin tops and the money to buy really lovely clothes and, very quickly, a girl gains the real power beauty confers. A woman in full.

It is only for a few years but being a mistress is the perfect preparation for a woman who wants to lead her own marriage.

Here are the books:

A complete guide for the Modern Mistress. How to advertise. How to negotiate your monthly allowance. Treats and gifts. 

How to look glamorous and very expensive. Sex tips - enthusiasm, technique and a nice pair of stockings. The Modern Mistress's apartment, wardrobe, lingerie, sheets and refrigerator: a complete guide.

Plus a guide for patrons to avoid getting caught and why the Modern Mistress is a wife's best friend.

A sexy, fun and provocative guide to the good life for girls who demand to be spoiled.

Kindle Book for all ebook readers: https://amzn.to/2ZbWUeY

Five star reviewed author Hannah Jay has written the definitive guide to high end escorting with her “Avails: The Elegant Woman’s Guide to Escorting” and the ultimate guide to paid companionship, “Modern Mistress: Lead the Luxury Life You Deserve”, has interviewed literally hundreds of up market escorts, mistresses and courtesans. In this first volume of “Money Sex” she brings fifteen top escorts’ stories to life.

The very best lingerie for a pay for play date? The real secret behind graceful, professional, blow jobs? What expensive girls do to prepare for pleasure? Why do girls escort? Miss Jay’s interviews are sexy, smart and revealing.

Super luxe girls, in their own words, talking about their first time, the men they like, the clients who keep coming back, the tricks of the trade.

Kindle Book: https://amzn.to/2TQbo34

The Mistress Matrix

What would the first night as a wealthy man's mistress be like. Zoey is about to find out. 

Everything needs to be perfect right down to her pretty lingerie. Nick was going to have the night of his life and, even though this was just a business arrangement, Zoey wanted to be the sort of girl Nick would keep coming back to.

Kindle Book: https://amzn.to/2Z7QD8X

Chris becomes the mistress of a very nice man with a tiny problem.

She solves the tiny problem and brings home the Birkin.

The pleasures of a kept woman in Book 2 of the Mistress Matrix.

Kindle Book: https://amzn.to/2Z8AVug

FREE TODAY!

Sage Hart wasn't really looking to become a mistress but a hundred foot sailing yacht and her own slutty nature let her accept and indecent proposal.

When Sage decides to be the ship's mistress she makes sure her Captain is teased and pleased. Lots of great blow jobs, a pleasing spanking, and good old fashioned sex including great anal. 

Sage is a versatile girl. A lady in a restaurant, slut on the aft deck and a willing whore in the Captain's cabin.

Kindle Book: https://amzn.to/2HiOYSX

Maintenance - Part of an FLR?

I get this question from time to time,

Is maintenance - a weekly spanking or something more severe - important to a Female Led Relationship?

The various ladies I know who are leading their marriages are all over the place on this question as am I.

Women who use maintenance spankings swear by them as they serve as a reminder to their husband or boyfriend of who is in charge. And I take that point. Plus, and this is interesting, a number of the women I speak to regularly, say that their husbands positively look forward to the ritual of a maintenance spanking. But usually when I probe a little deeper, it turns out that the "maintenance" is a pretty mild affair. Over the lady of the house's knee and a hand spanking. While the humiliation of having to lie across your wife's lap for your weekly spanking might have some effect, that effect is likely to wear off pretty quickly.

If a routine of maintenance is going to have any effect on a male's long term behaviour a lady's hand to her husband's bottom is really not going to do the job. I have said elsewhere that lady's hands are not made for spanking. To make any sort of impression you need and instrument: a cane or dog stick or a paddle or elliot's least favorite, a shower brush. Whether you are punishing your husband or giving him a regular maintenance dose, you want him submitting to a serious spanking rather than looking forward to the ritual. He should not like being spanked one little bit.

And there, frankly, is the problem with the idea of regular maintenance spankings: a serious session with the cane or the shower brush takes quite a while for a man to get over. Yes, he will want to behave so it does not happen again any time soon, but if he knows he'll be getting another, serious spanking, regardless of behaviour in a week's time it tends to produce resignation rather than obedience. 

I think physically correcting your husband is a valuable tool for a dominant wife but one which must be used as sparingly as it is severely. Play spankings are no good at all.

However, a number of dominant wives have different spins on maintenance.

----

"I like to call our weekly sessions "performance reviews" writes Maggie from a southern US state. "On a Sunday afternoon, after church and before I cook dinner. Two o'clock precisely in my lovely dressing room which also serves as Kenneth's punishment room."

"I am a woman in my late thirties, in nice shape. I had my babies young and now they are older teens. Sunday afternoon is their youth church group with makes it perfect for Ken's review. I always conduct the review in the clothes I've worn to church. At our church the ladies are expected to make an effort on Sundays and I often wear just what you see here. A satin blouse and a pencil skirt with a little jacket. And, yes, I do wear a girdle and hose to church. It does not do to jiggle."

"He has to leave his day clothes in our bedroom and I will usually put out something cute for him to wear. A pretty romper, or a spanking girdle or maybe nothing at all in which case he has to come in naked."

"The first thing I do, no matter what, is handcuff him with his hands behind his back. He has to keep his legs spread. I have a short Huntley riding crop which is useless for a serious whipping but gets his attention if I flick his cock or balls or nipples. I prefer the broad "keeper" which what you actually call the business end of the crop."

"Once I have his attention I run down my written list of whatever his transgressions have been that week. Keeping a list means I don't forget much, however, when I have finished I always ask Kenneth if there is anything I have forgotten. There often is and that goes on the list."

"Now, his regular maintenance is a spell in the little cage I have in one of my closets - usually an hour. It is more uncomfortable than painful but I have my little enhancements."

"Nothing like a big, black, inflatable, cock up your naughty bottom for an hour. I leave the little inflator bulb outside the closet and, every so often step on it. Kenneth has learned to take all nine fat inches. Or I shove a cute little remote-controlled prostate massager up his bottom and make him dribble in his panties."

"Sometimes, in spite of the fact Ken is supposed to be contrite during his performance review, he gets an erection. He very much hopes he doesn't because, just before he has to crawl into his cage, his cock and balls will get a nice thick coat of Deep Heat. I usually gag him when he has to take the heat because he makes a lot of noise. I like to use a short but thick penis gag so he feels nice and full.

"Another favorite is a bit of ginger pushed up his bottom. You have to be clever about trimming it but I've noticed that Ken visibly winces when he sees his "fig" sitting on a nice china plate on my make-up table."

"Those are the sorts of punishments a bad performance review will merit. If Ken has been outright disobedient or disrespectful, I have a lovely chaise with a single beautifully cushioned arm which is just the right height for Ken to bend over. Now I was a Kappa Kappa Gamma and I have always thought a fine old sorority paddle was ideal for correcting errant husbands. Most of the time a dozen swats with my paddle and then some time in his cage puts Ken back on the straight and narrow. However, when he has actually done something bad...having too many drinks, ogling one of my girlfriends or a pretty girl on the street, lying - I hate lying - I'll want to raise some blisters. I never paddle when I am angry. I wait until Sunday and then I will get out what I call The Holey Paddle.

"Twelve strokes of the Holey Paddle and Ken's bottom is a mess. The most I have ever given him were 24 (drinking, ogling and lying) and he, literally, could not sit down comfortably for a week.

"As you can guess, in the five years since I became head of our household, Ken has worked very hard to avoid any paddlings at all. Which is just how I like it."

"Now, one other element in our weekly routine is that after Ken has completed his punishment, he has to kneel in front of me and jerk himself off onto a special china plate I keep for just this purpose. It isn't a very big plate and Ken knows I mark down every drop which misses the plate for correction the next week. He has only managed to keep all his mess on the plate twice. Of course, he has to clean up any spunk which is on the floor with his tongue; but he has a choice with what's on the plate, he can either lick it all up right away or we'll put it in the fridge and feed it to him before Church the following week. If he decides to postpone he may earn some forgiveness in his next performance review. His choice. When he has been severely punished he usually postpones, but a light session and he almost always drinks it right down."

----

I very much want to thank Maggie for sharing her wonderfully creative performance review and consequences story.

Frankly, this makes much more sense to me than either a regular, barely noticed, spanking or a proper weekly whipping which seems more than is required. Training a man is about routine, rewards and punishments. Creativity is a must!

Finding Miss Right

I get this question a lot and I have discussed it with a number of dominant wives and other dominant women,

As a submissive male, how can I find a truly dominant wife?

It is actually a somewhat complicated question because it is rooted in a set of male assumptions which, frankly, do not map well onto the female experience.

Men, for complicated psychological reasons, are far more likely to develop sexual obsessions and fetishes than women are. And those fetishes and obsessions are often core elements of a man's personality. Women, on the other hand, may have well-integrated personality traits which may extend to their sexual world. They may also enjoy a particular "style" which also may extend into the bedroom (and maybe beyond.)

Unfortunately, a lot of men make the erroneous assumption that women obsess in the same way they do. That is almost never the case. So the likelihood of finding a woman who is naturally, sexually, dominant is relatively low. I am not saying it never happens, but it is rare. 

On a personal note, while I have always enjoyed being in charge, that was never an end in itself. Rather it was a means to an end which I have, I think, managed to obtain in my household. When I was younger and just exploring my own sexuality it really never dawned on me that a man would actually enjoy being told what to do in bed and elsewhere. And if you had told me I would routinely cane my loving husband and keep his cock locked in a cage, I would have laughed in your face. After all, what sort of man would put up with that sort of treatment and what sort of woman would even think of doing it? The answer, of course, is wonderful men and women just like me. But it took a while to figure that out.

The relative rarity of women who are, as it were, natural dominants makes things look grim for a submissive man looking for a wife. However, that is because that submissive man is seeing the world from a male point of view. From a female point of view a man who is loving, hard working, gentle and attentive automatically goes on the "husband" radar. And women know that all men, even the best men, have flaws, fetishes, needs which do not necessarily line up with the ideal. A decent man with a decent job, few bad habits who attends to his fitness and his grooming and is interesting and reasonable in bed and faithful looks very good as a girl sees thirty looming up.

Now, if several months into the relationship that very nice, very marriageable man tells his future

wife that he enjoys being a bit submissive or that he likes to be told to wear feminine clothing or that he enjoys being pegged, while it will cause a woman to reconsider, it is by no means a deal breaker in most cases. 

So, the question of finding a truly dominant wife actually resolves into a question of making yourself the sort of potential husband a woman would actually want regardless of your peccadillos. Even the least dominant girl will make an effort if the rest of the package is worth it.

All that said, a woman's experience before meeting a submissive potential husband may improve his chances. A girl who has been a mistress or a high end escort will tend to be more open to the needs of a submissive husband. But, to my surprise, at least three of the dominant wives I am in touch with were nurses. Which when I thought about a little made sense. After all, from a young age, nurses are trained to take charge. They are used to giving orders and they long since shed any shyness around naked men. Plus, and this can be important, they sometimes have to inflict pain to assist in treatment. A useful skill in a dominant wife.

In general, while it may seem like a shortcut, joining fetish meet-ups is not a great way to meet a wife. If you are looking for a good hard spanking it may be just the thing; but the women who get heavily involved in the fetish scene tend to have issues. Again, I generalize, but I have been surprised at how few dominant wives I know have any interest in that world. (I would say much the same thing about professional dommes; girls who are just in it for the money are not likely to make a life long commitment.)

As well as trying to become the best husband material you can, a submissive male looking for a wife should be very honest with himself about the sort of women he is actually attracted to. In particular, he should consider the question of style. Does he like very feminine women or outdoorsy girls or charter members of pantsuit nation? Does he have a strong preference as to body type or hair colour or any number of other dimensions of a woman's style? In an FLR, even more than in a conventional marriage, the wife's style is the only style which will matter.

A final point, men, simply by being gentlemen, having manners, being deferential to women in general, will find that they become more and more attractive to women - dominant or otherwise.

The fact is that women gain great satisfaction from caring about their husbands and their children. If a husband needs a special kind of care and his wife knows that it makes him happy and productive, chances are very good she'll make her wonderful husband's submission part of her marriage. Just as vanilla wives have been known to reward their husband with a long, lingering blow job, dominant wives will put him in his corner, let him wear a pretty nightie to bed and find plenty of excuses for disciplinary action.

Ultimately, most women actually run their marriages - all a submissive man is looking for is for that to become a bit more explicit. For most women that will not be a problem...not a problem at all once they get used to it.

-----

If you are thinking of  asking your wife to put you in your place, you may want to read a few of our books or buy a cock cage:

	You can order a cock cage for your husband or yourself at Amazon. I recomend starting with a relatively inexpensive silicone cage for fit and obedience training. Order here.
Books you might like:
The Art of the Maid Mady's Favourite Book
Dominant Woman  Feminine Superiority in Art
Obedient Husband Effortless Female Superiority in a Loving Marriage
See all our books at my Amazon Author Page here Remember Amazon Prime Customers and Books Unlimited Customers can down load all my books FREE

Summer Fun

elliot always looks forward to summer as I let him out of his chastity device most of the time. While comfort is a consideration, I also think it reminds him of his position. So, of course, does his testicle weight which remains firmly in place.

Mady, my maid, also enjoys the relative informality of summer. She is allowed to wear lighter, summer weight, corsets and I encourage her to dress in pretty summer dresses. She is a lovely young girl and there is no reason at all that she should not enjoy the male attention a pretty dress usually brings.

While I thoroughly enjoy cocktails on our patio and my own array of light, well tailored linens and cottons, I also see summer as a great time to finish projects. Yes, my book on Female Led Marriages is coming together. Taking far too long but that is largely because my own thinking has evolved as I have written.

When elliot and I embarked on our female led marriage I was not at all certain that being a dominant wife was something which would extend much beyond the bedroom. Now I know that the bedroom is only a small part of a female led marriage. I was also more than a little skeptical about people claiming that feminine superiority was, in fact, a very natural ordering of the relations between women and men.

It is an ordering which, while I had not realized it before embarking on my work on courtesans, high end escorts and mistresses, naturally emerges whenever women are sexually empowered. All of the women I interviewed were either explicitly in charge of the men who were paying them for sex or exercised that control implicitly. It is the essential difference between the poor girls who are sexually exploited and the young ladies who are happy to spend time with gentlemen in exchange for generous allowances or high fees.

Marriage and long term relationships remove the transactional effect but the principle remains the same. Men surrender some or all of their sexual (and often, their financial) autonomy so that their real needs are met. A dominant wife takes her husband in hand, often well before the marriage ceremony, and creates the balance and the calm he needs to reach his best self.

The theory that men remain immature well into adulthood explains the need most men have for a firm female hand to guide them. Simply controlling a man's ejaculations is a huge step towards his acceptance of his proper place in your marriage and in the world. Once a woman is in charge, her husband will be more affectionate, responsive and eager to please.

So, this summer, while elliot enjoys having his little cock out of its cage and Mady attracts all sorts of male attention, I will try to get my book finished.

But, just for fun, here is another short "Mistress Matrix" book. It will be downloadable free from about midnight Pacific time.

Backdoor Birkin

Chris becomes the mistress of a very nice man with a tiny problem.

She solves the tiny problem and brings home the Birkin.

The pleasures of a kept woman in Book 2 of the Mistress Matrix

Available at this Amazon link.